organic

it was amidst black dog coffee cups and squares of light that i found it. rather, it found me.

there's been this pushing and pulling within myself lately...a listlessness, a restlessness, an alienation within myself. it's irritated all sorts of things and made me feel very out of it. i was talking about some of these things tonight when the curtain fell away. the voices telling me that i was off track, that i was lazy, that i was missing the boat, that i was a mess just faded as if someone had twisted off the volume. and there, in front of me, was the realization that this is what He has been working. that controlling girl inside me, the one that lives white-knuckled, afraid and efficient was exposed, not as the towering force i have believed her to be, but a frail little girl. i've allowed myself to be so driven and directed by this part of myself. and here i was, the woman He has created and raised up, seeing her as she was for the first time, and at peace with the reality that He is now the one leading me. i do not have to fight tooth and nail to live....i do not have an agenda to set or a bar to raise....nor face a panel of faceless people to assert my worth. i can just be who He has made me to be...i do not have to be in control and manipulating every aspect of my life. while the general consensus for the past month or so has been that i am running off a cliff with all of this, i saw tonight that it is actually a lovely trail, dipping and curving into the distance...the invitation to journey.

i can't fully explain what is happening here. but trust me when i say that i will never be the same.

She who reconciles the ill-matched threads
of her life, and weaves them gratefully
into a single cloth-
it's she who drives the loudmouths from the hall
and clears it for a different celebration.

where the one guest is you.
in the softness of the evening,
it's you she receives.

you are the partner of her loneliness,
the unspeaking center of her monologues.
with each disclosure you encompass more
and she stretches beyond what limits her,
to hold you.

rilke, I,17