a rant(ito)

i have many thoughts and opinions that have sprouted up from being in the unique position of living in a foreign country and acculturating(think salad bowl ESL metaphor) into that foreign country but being witness to my native country`s deeds within said foreign country.and i have something to say.

i think its important to ask why and how a person comes into an impoverished country. many people have already formed this answer and often have the general how answered as well. and it usually sounds really good, polished and able to bring in donations. most of the time it is well thought out and usually focused on the people..but i have a few more questions i`d like to ask, specifically for the missionaries in, or coming to, Nicaragua.

am i positive that my mission or project i am coming to complete is not already being done by local people that i might support instead?

how can i hope to meet needs of people i cant communicate with nor understand where they come from?

why, knowing that the country i work in has high unemployment, would i not include several salaries for native people in my budget?

why do i choose to enforce my cultural norms and ideals upon the people i work with rather than try to learn and understand and work within theirs?

do i really think i have all the ability to make a difference, and that i don`t need and cherish the input and support of my native counterparts?

am i doing this project honestly and for the people`s benefit, or because it makes me look good with my various groups at home?

are my motives pure in the application of my project? is it something the people really need and want and will support?

can this project survive without me? and if the answer is no, how will i change that?

is the underlying attitude and nuances of every action Love?

i`m realizing as i write this out, im a bit bitter. i am frustrated by the uncomfortable situation we find ourselves in when good people want to do a good thing...but haven`t thought it out completely. im tired of getting angry over culture clashes and attitudes about money and work ethic and education, and im sad at seeing all the loose ends and not knowing how to fix them. im burdened by the lack of vibrant Christian local men and women ready to serve and bearing the burden with the few that do and are always called on to do all of the service/projects/quehaceres. im curious about my own culture, and how we let it so easily shape our Christianity into something that isn`t necessarily Truth.

i certainly do not have all the answers, and recognize that many of those aforementioned questions are uncomfortable and slightly accusing (hence the first person form, its always better to ask yourself the tough questions first before you go slinging them at someone else). Being of my own culture, I understand it and can imagine every angle of defense one might have in response...and I just say, we have to be Christians (little Christs), not American or Nicaraguan or Republican or Socialist or Rich or Poor or Good or Bad....He is the only thing that defines us, being that in His image and for His good purpose we were made, and I can`t make excuses for not living as He calls...not for my culture, nor my economic status, nor my project goals and objectives.

disclaimer: this is a GENERAL rant, and not directed at a specific group or person...just a stream of thought gathered from being part of and observing many different ministries here in Nicaragua...most of which are making a positive impact.

jumbled

i come stateside/home? in 10 days. i have not really begun to think about it for lack of time, but its kind of freaking me out. its hard to convey why, but it is.

i was hoping to draw out some threads of thoughts through blogging, because it often prompts a lucid moment or two, but the skipping between the two languages this evening through work has left me blank, so i`ll leave it at this.

i`m thankful that no matter how tightly wound and knotted life seems to get or my emotions or the powers that be, He is always there, ever patient and available to help me out.

its like the kid in maniac magee that undoes that huge crusty knot and wins a pizza or something. and the best thing is that Jesus shares, even when I didn`t earn it.

form

i realized yesterday what it is exactly that draws me to teaching, that gives it such weight and importance. no, it didnt come from seeing chubby fingers grip a broken crayon to scrawl their name, nor a flashy smile from the ornery 4th grader, nor the pleasure of listening to a child forging reading skills not only in spanish but in english (though those are some highlights)...it came from a late night conversation with some of the clinic team members, who include my husband, my brother-in-law and pastor and a friend. it happened rather impromptu, just a quick chat after feeding their four kiddos homemade pizza and jello...as we discussed some happenings from the week, there rose again our vision, the vision to form and heal integrally, to raise up and teach. and there it is. teaching is not just a set of questions or themes to learn, nor a curriculum you have to finish. it is the opportunity and responsibility to help form people. its the reality that the way i react to a child`s misbehavior has a direct impact on their values, formation and understanding of how the world works. that everytime i explain to G. in kinder that he may not hit his classmates because it hurts them, and that is not what Jesus wants from us, nor what we were made to do, im planting seeds of peace and kindness where neglect and busyness have allowed the weeds of sadness and loneliness to cover his heart. that when i smile and talk with a student about their accomplishments, how God has given them talents and has a plan for those talents, there`s the opportunity to support a beautiful work beginning. that when poverty, the heavyhanded teacher, leaves a child ungrateful and sour, I can look for grace and patience to redirect this student, to teach her gratitude and the goodness of the Lord.and this applies to adults, teens and children, all of my fellow brothers and sisters. to teach obedience and love and respect...because if they aren`t able to respect and obey and love me, whom they see, how will they learn to obey and respect and love Him, whom they don`t?

it`s a terrifying and thrillingly satisfying realization all at the same time.

8 days, 5 exams, 1 conference, 3 graduations, 8 send-off letters, and many many moments until the end of my first full year of teaching, in Nicaragua Christian Academy. What a ride.

rewind

for some fun...because i felt a bit disoriented today...I started looking back through some old posts. and its just odd. its me, of course, but a different me, and it makes me wonder if i lost her or she didn´t learn Spanish or she`s just curled up in the back of the Nica survival kit, but it just feels weird reading that stuff, remembering the ways I saw and thought and processed. And the type of stress I lived under...its just very different now.

life here, well...my life submerged in the academy, clinic, marriage...is just barer.

bit nervous about that.

im looking forward to coming home in December and sharing that life there with Moi..and getting some seriously quality books and conversations.

i know this is not a bad thing...just realizing this work He started in me is not as...plush...as I had once imagined.

morning

i can`t explain how much i love mornings without demands...at least the illusion that there are no demands. we came back from La Batea last night, visiting the family as we will be stateside come Christmas, and I got to sleep in as the hot sun pierced through the palm leaves onto my pillow. I like this time because I can pretend that I have free time and that I have the space to think and dream and evaluate and consider and be thankful. Some thoughts from this morning.
-there is nothing sweeter than His presence. nothing.

-family is a precious thing that makes your eyes water and heart clench when you have to leave them, yet i am thankful for those emotions and the fact that i have those people that make me feel this way, now in two countries.

-a lack of vision is a sad thing to behold...so many tiny towns here in nicaragua are awash with alcoholism, drugs, laziness and lack of hope, due to many factors, but mostly lack of Christ and His Spirit.

-i miss good conversations in english. in spanish, they are good, but i miss the fluidity that i have in english.

-i love reading, and desperately need new books...the ones i have i am beginning to think of as friends, and i am not certain that is a good thing :)

-sugar coated cereal is the best way to wake up...even if its unhealthy (sorry Steph) (this is not entirely true, as i really enjoy scrambled eggs with bell pepper and onions and cheese and toast and lots of fruit with coffee, but the reality is there`s usually no time for that, so cereal becomes the best.)

...

my blogging muscles are rather withered and not audience ready, but it`s just been too long to keep waiting. so here i am. i feel more and more embarrassed to start writing each time it has been this long. i dont really know why.

there is obviously a lot that has happened. many minutes have ticked by, many minor things have been undone and redone and overdone, etc, many meals and conversations and projects and ups and downs to be had. including a wedding, beloved visitors, a finish of one semester, a move, a new winter settling in.

but i just can`t do all those tiny moments justice by clumping them into a quick pasted together story. nor do i want to. so i`ll just share the following story that has stuck with me as i travel in the cramped bus down the misty hill and in my quiet moments in the mornings.

the sun poked out every once in a while as i sat at my pollo asado post, waiting for 2 o clock to come, when I could abandon my duty of putting together plates and chasing away starving dogs. i had a date for the evening with my husband and i was tired of just sitting, sitting, sitting at our church`s bazaar. the kids that kept begging a coin were beginning to get restless and all the good used clothes had been sold off. Moises toiled over the last two measly chicken breasts, hawking them off on all the passerbyers, 2 for 30 cords! he proclaimed, winking over at them, inviting them to come and enjoy the obviously great deal. I meandered through my mind, the memories and sensations of the day lolling upon me. It was then that my attention was diverted. A local drunk and possibly crazy man had wandered over to our bazaar. He is a man that everyone knows and yet doesn`t know. He is well-known for being passed out on sidewalks or begging money or just talking to himself, but as far as his family, his favorite color, or the endless wonderings of why, are unknown...at least to me. He was hunched over, slowly making his way to the barb wire fence we were using as a display rack for hats. He gently fingered the cloth of one, turned the bill of another, finally decisively pulling off a blue one. I stayed still, curious as to his next step. He then reached into the depth of his worn pockets and pulled out several 1 cord coins, counting them carefully in the weathered palm. Then he circled carefully up around my station and into the back of the area, where Lester was receiving money. He placed those 10 shiny coins into Lester`s hand, only to be surprised with the five that were returned, winking up at him. He then stood beneath the playful sun, adjusting his new possession until it fit just so over his ears. away he shuffled, down the lane and back to the street.

as we went to managua for our date that night, i asked moises if he knew the name of this man...which of course he did and said, ¨i was going to let him take it if he took it. but look how quick he is. no one told him the price or where to pay or anything. he`s not as crazy as many think.¨ and he switched the radio channel.

good ol' usa

what a fun time it has been. i have slipped back into my country and find it quite pleasing. it's a bit shocking how clean and comfortable and neat everything is...I'm worried about driving back through Managua...but I also realize I am smack dab in the middle of high end Coloradan suburbia, and not having to work, so it's rather fairy tale like. some things i have noticed:

-i feel awkward and shy in my first language...don't know if that's just me being introverted or what, but i don't feel that way rattling away in Spanish...but as a rule, I am quieter in Spanish.

-i feel overwhelmed by places like target...i never was a huge shopper, but i felt like i needed 5 hours to make it through that store...i just wanted to look and touch and smell.

-my need to be pleasing to those around me, to draw attention and approval was faintly roused in the middle of all these events, but it was good to realize it is no longer a driving force in my life. that feels real good.

-appreciation is something best learned in absence...the real reason for fasting, i think.

-it is wonderful for me to see these people who have so much wanting to be a part of what we do...not in a lets throw money at it and fix it but more lets be a part of, lets share, lets support.

-one of the ladies i met at the event said to me, don't worry honey, God will bring that material blessing soon, you just see...you're just in a missionary stage of your life...and i found myself not wishing for that at all. i mean, its really nice a lot of it, but i dont want to desire all that stuff again or have it managing my life. no way. and i won't go into what i thought about that missionary stage comment...just that i don't agree. but she was very sweet and well-intentioned all the same.

-it is so important to see these people doing what they do here...sometimes it just doesn't break through to what we do in nicaragua and the people there lose heart...it was amazing to have Pastor Luis see that there is a huge number of people here working to support what he does.

-getting to see my Papa for two days...really just such a blessing, being on the other side of healing.

-in the midst of it all, just missing my nica home and family. excited to go back and share it with them.

Those of you coming to the wedding will be thrilled to know that the clinic team is coming down the same week as you all, so there will be tons of opportunities to see first hand what we have been up to and the people here stateside that have been working alongside us...i'm so excited!