Monday, January 14, 2008


what a fascinating topic. it seems that there are no limits to the discussion that can occur surrounding this idea, this vast ability, commitment, idea, desire....and sometimes this frustrates me. as a person that likes to figure things out, to understand something as important as this is highly desirable. and yet it is not attainable...not fully. and really, how can it be if God is love?

there is something i have been pondering about all of this though. there is this deep need to be known, accepted, truly LOVED. and i believe that this is found ultimately in Christ. yet there remains this aggravating ache that will not wane. this desire to be married, to have that person that walks through life with you, the only one who will come close to knowing you as intimately as the Lord. and i'm not saying this desire is wrong...i believe it to be good. yet it feels so out of control for me, this rogue part of me that i struggle to maintain self-control over. and i do not know why. i think the fact that i don't know why is more bothersome than the desire itself. if we are truly able to live by the spirit, to bring all things under Him, why does this part of my being fight so hard against it? maybe it is simply the nature of the desire and the depth of which it runs in us...God himself told eve that her desire would be for her husband. and yet what if it not His will for me to marry? would i be willing to accept that?

it seems so silly. rather, i feel silly in it, and maybe even ashamed at times. part of me feels like it is because love has been so cheapened, so trite, that the desire i feel for a much deeper and sacred thing feels like a flighty heart instead.

and yes, i have tried to fan that flame towards the Lord, to funnel all my love and desire for intimacy into my love for Him. but it feels separate, unable to really mix. like two different languages.

perhaps my faith is small and my understanding hindered. perhaps there is healing that needs to occur. perhaps i need to trust that the Lord is multi-lingual. in all of it, my question is simple: how does one engage these parts of the heart authentically and healthily?

hell, i'm only 23 and if the purpose in life is to love God and others, i can expect this will be a life-long lesson. but this one facet has been particularly grievous for me ever since i came to know Jesus my freshman year of high school. anyone in the same boat? thoughts? insight?

No comments: