organic

it was amidst black dog coffee cups and squares of light that i found it. rather, it found me.

there's been this pushing and pulling within myself lately...a listlessness, a restlessness, an alienation within myself. it's irritated all sorts of things and made me feel very out of it. i was talking about some of these things tonight when the curtain fell away. the voices telling me that i was off track, that i was lazy, that i was missing the boat, that i was a mess just faded as if someone had twisted off the volume. and there, in front of me, was the realization that this is what He has been working. that controlling girl inside me, the one that lives white-knuckled, afraid and efficient was exposed, not as the towering force i have believed her to be, but a frail little girl. i've allowed myself to be so driven and directed by this part of myself. and here i was, the woman He has created and raised up, seeing her as she was for the first time, and at peace with the reality that He is now the one leading me. i do not have to fight tooth and nail to live....i do not have an agenda to set or a bar to raise....nor face a panel of faceless people to assert my worth. i can just be who He has made me to be...i do not have to be in control and manipulating every aspect of my life. while the general consensus for the past month or so has been that i am running off a cliff with all of this, i saw tonight that it is actually a lovely trail, dipping and curving into the distance...the invitation to journey.

i can't fully explain what is happening here. but trust me when i say that i will never be the same.

She who reconciles the ill-matched threads
of her life, and weaves them gratefully
into a single cloth-
it's she who drives the loudmouths from the hall
and clears it for a different celebration.

where the one guest is you.
in the softness of the evening,
it's you she receives.

you are the partner of her loneliness,
the unspeaking center of her monologues.
with each disclosure you encompass more
and she stretches beyond what limits her,
to hold you.

rilke, I,17

stat

-first day of work at House of Hope (www.houseofhopekc.org) :: t-minus 1 hr 43 minutes
-number of stairs to create leg pain from Saturday's workout :: 1
-number of books i am currently attempting to read :: 6
-cd on repeat :: sufjan stevens' seven swans
-days left til nicaragua :: 88

some of the random things occupying my mind at the time. i'm kind of resistant to starting this job, not because i don't wish to work there or because i don't think it will be good, but rather it is the last job/task i will have here in the states. and with that comes a flood of all the little fears and uncertainties that having been creeping behind my consciousness. like, who will walk this journey with me here in the states when i am so far away? how will i keep those people i love so much near to my heart? how will i allow change without losing touch with those parts of me that i wish to remain? and then there are the ones that loom in the distant...the ones surrounding my return.

all of these things, i know, are not anything i can or need to control, nor worry about. however, my heart is having a little trouble trusting. so i end up crying over how good ice cream is...good thing i have good gal pals who find this normal and don't think i am crazy person.

i guess this is just part of the journey...here we go!

art of language

I'm too alone in the world, yet not alone enough
to make each hour holy.
I'm too small in the world, yet no small enough
to be simply in your presence, like a thing -
just as it is.

I want to know my own will
and to move with it.
And I want, in the hushed moments
when the nameless draws near,
to be among the wise ones -
or alone.

I want to mirror your immensity.
I want never to be too weak or too old
to bear the heavy, lurching image of you.

I want to unfold.
Let no place in me hold itself closed,
for where I am closed, there I am false.
I want to stay clear in your sight.

I, 13 - The Book of Hours, Rainier Maria Rilke

la paz

warm waves
woven through the sharp
edges
splashing silently
among the crimson curves
against a freckle, beside a honey strand
whispering
//////intently
stirring
/////most gently
awake

awake
dawn breaks and darkness hides
and
all that remains
are hollows
of His love

without a name

this feeling, the burrowing of His Spirit into yours, the sudden realization of beauty in the simple thing, the perfect combination of a melody and lyric, etc. it's been ebbing upon my heart all afternoon and i think i'm ready to receive it. so good.

i love when the book you are reading is breathed on by His spirit and just hits through and through. here's some tidbits:

"It really doesn't matter what the particular group bargain is - doctrinal adherence, moral living, or some sort of spiritual experience- the desire is the same: taming God in order to tame life. Never mind those deep yearnings of the soul; never mind the nagging awareness that God isn't cooperating."

"...God's fierce intentions to use both crippling and blessing to redeem us from our self-redemptive and purgatorial stories."

Acts 17:26-28

"Trust Him though you cannot see Him and He has no silver hand to hold. Trust Him though you have no name to call Him by, though out of the black night He leaps like a stranger to cripple and bless. -Buechner Son of Laughter"

"This is, in fact, how many professing Christians end up living: as practical agnostics. Perhaps God will come through, perhaps he won't, so I'll be hanged if I'll live as though he had to come through. I'll hedge my bets and if he does show up, so much the better. The simple word for this is godlessness."

-All excerpts from The Sacred Romance by Eldredge/Curtis

Man, it's just so good!! This book is just cruising through my doubts and fears and hiding places and beckoning me to step on out. And there He is, stirring it all up, drawing me out...

sustain

i honestly don't know what i would do without dove dark chocolate. or coke classic.

my friend lauren gave me this book the artist's way for this part on attention. there have been some painful things in my family lately and it's been tempting to be overwhelmed. but this passage was utterly beautiful....that the way we make it through these trying times, from past to future, is to be exceedingly present. i know this is a topic touched on by many, but there is this one line that made me stop. "She stood it by standing knee-deep in the flow of life and paying close attention." yes. this is a paramount lesson for me to learn. it's startling how different my minutes have been weighed and perceived as i take this mindset. sometimes even just stopping, breathing deeply and remembering His nearness is all the refreshment i could need.

i started re-reading the sacred romance by john eldredge and brent curtis. it really speaks to some of the things i've been pondering lately...does it make you smile how He weaves your path?

l.o.v.e.

what a fascinating topic. it seems that there are no limits to the discussion that can occur surrounding this idea, this vast ability, commitment, idea, desire....and sometimes this frustrates me. as a person that likes to figure things out, to understand something as important as this is highly desirable. and yet it is not attainable...not fully. and really, how can it be if God is love?

there is something i have been pondering about all of this though. there is this deep need to be known, accepted, truly LOVED. and i believe that this is found ultimately in Christ. yet there remains this aggravating ache that will not wane. this desire to be married, to have that person that walks through life with you, the only one who will come close to knowing you as intimately as the Lord. and i'm not saying this desire is wrong...i believe it to be good. yet it feels so out of control for me, this rogue part of me that i struggle to maintain self-control over. and i do not know why. i think the fact that i don't know why is more bothersome than the desire itself. if we are truly able to live by the spirit, to bring all things under Him, why does this part of my being fight so hard against it? maybe it is simply the nature of the desire and the depth of which it runs in us...God himself told eve that her desire would be for her husband. and yet what if it not His will for me to marry? would i be willing to accept that?

it seems so silly. rather, i feel silly in it, and maybe even ashamed at times. part of me feels like it is because love has been so cheapened, so trite, that the desire i feel for a much deeper and sacred thing feels like a flighty heart instead.

and yes, i have tried to fan that flame towards the Lord, to funnel all my love and desire for intimacy into my love for Him. but it feels separate, unable to really mix. like two different languages.

perhaps my faith is small and my understanding hindered. perhaps there is healing that needs to occur. perhaps i need to trust that the Lord is multi-lingual. in all of it, my question is simple: how does one engage these parts of the heart authentically and healthily?

hell, i'm only 23 and if the purpose in life is to love God and others, i can expect this will be a life-long lesson. but this one facet has been particularly grievous for me ever since i came to know Jesus my freshman year of high school. anyone in the same boat? thoughts? insight?

because i love books...

One book that changed your life:

The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning

One book that you read more than once:

Searching For God Knows What by Donald Miller. & HP

One book that you would want on a desert island:

This one is too hard...

One book that made you laugh:

Educating Esme by Esme Codell

One book that made you cry:

Again, too many...but a few: HP #6, Mark of the Lion Series by Francine Rivers, Heaven's Wager by Ted Dekker, The Least of These, The Sacred Romance by John Eldredge, etc, etc.

One book you wish you had written:

Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller or Ruthless Trust by Brennan Manning

One book you are currently reading:

Simply Christian by N.T. Wright

One book you have been meaning to read:

Hearing God by Dallas Willard.

That took way longer than it should have. I am terrible at ONE. Just one favorite or one of this . I don't know why.

Anyone know anything about the movie coming out called Feitgeist? I am intrigued and yet unsure as to what I will end up thinking about it.

Comanche principal called today to set up an interview....I hope it goes well!

I went back and visited my students at Rosehill today. Gosh, I miss them. There is something about spending hours upon hours around and with students, teaching them that creates this bond. I look at them and I have multiple questions about and for each, wondering how they are doing in the times facts or if their writing has improved or if they are sleeping better at night or if their parents have stopped fighting yet. I feel so privileged to get to be a teacher. Unbelievable.

annnnd i tag: kim, shalinn, and rachel....realizing that rachel has already been tagged. i have to get more blog friends. :)

heavy

check out love146.org...it's an initiative to end child sex slavery and exploitation. watch the video and hear the story.

He will bring justice to the poor of the people; He will save the children of the needy, and will break in pieces the oppressor. Psalm 72:4

kiss kiss

Can someone please answer this nagging question for me: is it lovey dovey or laffy taffy? My sixth graders insisted that t-pain was talking about that sticky candy with silly jokes.

It's official. I just got done reading through a couple hundred pages of welcome book and VAD and all sorts of other acronymns, which I'm finding that PC loves. Everything they have given me has a glossary! As an educator who has lots of acronym files from college alone, it makes me giggle.

I will jump off the cliff May 5 as a PCT (peace corps trainee), meeting my other trainees for a couple days, then off to Nicaragua for eleven weeks of intense training, where I'll work on my Spanish and ESL skills, learn how to not get robbed or assaulted and run through mounds of paperwork and vaccines (only 3 I think for me). That's when, if I pass, I become a PCV (peace corps volunteer). Then it's off to a still unknown small to medium size city where I will live with a family for at least six weeks and begin integrating and building confianza (trust) with the community and my colleagues. I'll work alongside high school English teachers, create materials and training programs and set-up any number of English learning opportunities. I just can't convey the rush I feel in my belly when I start thinking about it. I have so much I want to do to prepare and I know this time before I leave will be precious.

Which will be spent in KC...I am so stoked. I LOVE KC and the people I have gotten to meet and hang around with. I'm so thankful to have three more months with them. I still don't have a job lined up officially, but I am surprisingly peaceful about this...it seems having your feet knocked out from under you will teach you to trust Him. I'll keep you posted.

My papa is doing better...I fully believe that Jesus healed and protected him. There is no evidence or residual from his episode...their best guess is a seizure caused by stress. No heart attack, no stroke, no disease. Clean EEG, CT Scan and MRI. I went down there early Friday morning and he got to come home Friday evening. I left him yesterday, feeling good if not just a little sleepy. Thank you for all who prayed and encouraged me in it.

Praise to Him who works all things according to our good, that He is always sovereign, always in control. No matter how out of control I feel.

Off to run and get those passport photos.

mercy

today:
i found my lost running shoes (+)
got the call that my dad is in the ER with unknown neurological problems in a catatonic state (-)
got my peace corps invite to nicaragua teaching english leaving may 5 (+)

i don't know what that adds up to. in the end i feel numb. and desperate for His mercy, on my family and for my dad's healing. i drove to wichita from manhattan tonight and was going to drive straight through to OKC but ICU closes at 9 so we will leave early tomorrow.

He is good...and i know He is in this and working through it. just pray. ask Him to be merciful, to make Himself known, to light up the dark places.