you know the feeling when you realize you're lost? the sickening waves of slight panic that rise up and the semi-weightless feeling in your stomach like when you descend a rollercoaster...the inexplicable untamed fear that threatens to destroy all peace. it has become my companion for a week now and today i realized, i'm a sheep.
that sheep that Jesus said He would leave to other 99 to find. the one that decided to find its own path and got stuck in the briars, bleating in a terrified voice. the stubborn one that tries to run away when He comes near, trying to bring her back into the fold. i'm that sheep.
charles spurgeon [http://www.spurgeongems.org/vols16-18/chs925.pdf] has a good deal to say about the sheep going astray...and i must confess i fit the lot. i NEED a care above myself, yet i pretend and expect that i should do it on my own. i frantically plan and search and push, trying to make it fit. i have been doing this every moment since i found out what i thought i knew about peace corps was incorrect.
the office of medical services should not have told me i would be leaving in February should i make med clearance by december 21st. because it wasn't true. i don't know where i am going to live. i don't know where i am going to work. i don't even know for sure what city i will be in. every time i make a move, it shakes and i'm unsure.
so here i am, bleating away, trying to figure out a plan and a purpose and feeling hopelessly snagged. the imagery of Hosea fills my mind...the hemming in of His beloved.
no i don't have an answer. but i do have this promise: He is with me and He will lead me by His Spirit.
"ten thousand angels will light your pathway until the day breaks from in the east. and they will surround you and make your way straight, cus Love has come, Love has come, for you." -Caedmon's Call Ten Thousand Angels
Father, be merciful to me! open my eyes, allow me the patience and grace to wait upon You. to trust and believe beyond all this reality attempts to erode. praise to You, lover of my soul. i WILL wait.