sheepish

you know the feeling when you realize you're lost? the sickening waves of slight panic that rise up and the semi-weightless feeling in your stomach like when you descend a rollercoaster...the inexplicable untamed fear that threatens to destroy all peace. it has become my companion for a week now and today i realized, i'm a sheep.

that sheep that Jesus said He would leave to other 99 to find. the one that decided to find its own path and got stuck in the briars, bleating in a terrified voice. the stubborn one that tries to run away when He comes near, trying to bring her back into the fold. i'm that sheep.

charles spurgeon [http://www.spurgeongems.org/vols16-18/chs925.pdf] has a good deal to say about the sheep going astray...and i must confess i fit the lot. i NEED a care above myself, yet i pretend and expect that i should do it on my own. i frantically plan and search and push, trying to make it fit. i have been doing this every moment since i found out what i thought i knew about peace corps was incorrect.

the office of medical services should not have told me i would be leaving in February should i make med clearance by december 21st. because it wasn't true. i don't know where i am going to live. i don't know where i am going to work. i don't even know for sure what city i will be in. every time i make a move, it shakes and i'm unsure.

so here i am, bleating away, trying to figure out a plan and a purpose and feeling hopelessly snagged. the imagery of Hosea fills my mind...the hemming in of His beloved.

no i don't have an answer. but i do have this promise: He is with me and He will lead me by His Spirit.

"ten thousand angels will light your pathway until the day breaks from in the east. and they will surround you and make your way straight, cus Love has come, Love has come, for you." -Caedmon's Call Ten Thousand Angels

Father, be merciful to me! open my eyes, allow me the patience and grace to wait upon You. to trust and believe beyond all this reality attempts to erode. praise to You, lover of my soul. i WILL wait.

rested

went to bed at 9:30 last night. woke up today at 1:00 pm. i am feeling much better.

free week in wichita....i hope to spend a lot of time reading and studying before i leave.

if i leave. i still haven't heard from D.C. and it's coming upon the deadline for them to let me know. i'm still planning on it, but it makes me feel a bit nervous.

i'll be in kc the next two weekends (hopefully) and then manhattan after that. i cannot wait.

seattle pics and what-not to come.

ice cream?

as i pen this note to you, i'm eating cheesy potato soup in the memphis airport, jazzed up on two benadryl and awaiting my rescheduled 3:05 flight. all this to say, i'm delirious from only 1.5 hours of sleep thus far, one hour caught crammed between my sister and an armrail on a delayed 737 and the other half on a bench in the airport while my sister went outside to get her nicotine fix and stop her fit.

can i just take a moment to say i dislike strenuous travel? no, more specifically, strenuous travel with an extremely angry, tired and feening 18 year old.

i love my sister. i really do. but it is in these moments that everything bubbles to the surface, both in you and the people around you. on my first flight, leaving seattle at 10 pm, we had the pleasure of a stuffed plane, a chatty cathy and a coked out crazy man who made me more nervous than anyone should be on an aircraft. he kept getting up and down, talking loudly and touching strangers' faces. threats of arrest could not calm him down and he proceeded to ask me, could i believe those stewardesses? what, were they just going to shove him out of the airplane? gosh, they were getting mad at him for just sitting in his seat! imagine!

finally, i said well, it's midnight and you keep bothering people. they just want you to calm down. damn my forward and confrontational ways!

to this he replied, oh, well you can just shut up. what, is this your first time flying? can't deal with being around people? how about you fly to the midwest or something? to which i just laughed and said, umm, that's where i'm going. i live there?...

in the midst of all of this is my firecracker sister calling him every name in the book from two rows back and all of us are getting uncomfortable. a few more "discussions" with the flight attendants, and he finally shut up. all of this in the 2 hours in, with 2 hours left. sleep did not come to me on that flight.

arrive in blizzard-y detroit at 5:04 am their time, 2:04 my time, 4:04 wichita time. got on the connection...only to sit on it for TWO HOURS, because no one came to work because of the snow, so no one could load our bags or push us away from the terminal. and then there was the de-icer.

at 8:23 detroit time, 7:23 wichita time, 5:23 my time, i took two benadryl in hopes of sleeping once airborne. success! for at least an hour until we began to descend and i had to put myself into an upright and locked position.

arrive in memphis at 9:39 detroit time, missing our 9:20 flight home and waiting in line to be told that the next flight would be at 3:05 pm. i will arrive in wichita at 4:45 pm their time, 5:45 detroit time and 2:45 my body's time. and here i am.

there is something ridiculous about airplane travel. it never fails to make you feel out of joint and uncomfortable. maybe its the odd bonds you make with complete strangers as you watch them sleep or discuss their lives during the awkward taxiing stage. or maybe you are just very aware of the emotional and mental states of those around you, which can be rather draining at such close proximities.

and bless you if you even read that far. hey, at least this 8 dollar bowl of soup is free because NWA is "sincerely apologetic" for the inconveniences i have experienced today and thus gave me a $10 voucher. to be used one time only, with no change. life is good.

ps: please forgive this gruffer and more sarcastic version of myself...sleep and a shower will wash away this crust soon, i promise.

pps: this story is only made more entertaining if you know my airplane story last december with NWA. here's a hint....my ticket this time was free because of last year. here's to road trippin'.

love love

i see

tomorrow is the beginning of a fun seattle adventure...provided we can fly out despite the forecasted inch of ice shrouding all surfaces. as of right now, our flight is canceled and shifted to a 5:25pm flight...but i'm doubting that one being able to leave also. chalk it up to reason number 72 that i am excited to live in south america.

it's funny how quickly your surroundings and circumstances can shape and change your experience. one week ago, i was up at 5, drinking coffee and lesson planning, laughing with sixth graders and crying over their pain, and teaching math in spanish. this week i wore pjs until 1 as i drove my carless brother around, ate leftover soup twice, spoke in baby talk to my adorable niece as we surfed the net together and walked around with no makeup and a blanket all day. bizarre. i miss my kc life. this life feels overwhelming and unpredictable and emotionally explosive. and in all of it, i found layers and layers of more desire to control, more need to change the things around me, to "fix" it. psalm 55:22. matt 7.

the best part in all of it, is that as i lose it, as i unravel even more than i already have, i find myself growing in the awareness that He has me firmly in His loving grip. that He has me, is right there with me, and will always be. above all else, He desires mercy and not sacrifice...what would it look like for my life to reflect that kind of heart posture? i'm still seeking it out.

so stay warm people...drink hot chocolate or yerba mate and snuggle up with that fleece sweatshirt and downy blanket. i'm praying that He provides warmth and protection for all those being turned away from shelters across the city.

"ah crap"

i can't tell you how many times i've uttered that this evening. try baking 82 star sugar cookies, writing 18 thank you cards, buying 1 calla lily, moving out of 1 bedroom/bathroom/kitchen and grading 22 cell city projects/reading assessments. yep. i didn't get it all done. thankfully, the only thing remaining is the grading...which can be done tomorrow. yep...procrastinating even beyond college.

graduation saturday. party sunday. unpack monday. fly to seattle tuesday. breathe (maybe) wednesday. it's all been about letting go, so let's see if i pass the test.

in the midst of it all are some really lovely people....sara, who has been my sidekick all semester and especially these last two days just helping me with whatever...decorating cookies, buying veggies, carrying yaffa blocks through the snow...has been a particularly bright light in all of this. tony comes by too, and helps me move out at 900 tonight only to go to work right after. lauren who helped me relax as we traipsed down on the plaza. my mama who called me choked up to wish me well on my last day of "college". and then there He is. so patient and kind and quiet, even though He and I both know its been months since we've really spent quality time together. i just can't explain that kinda grace.

"just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly" - anonymous on the rockin' card sara got me

PS: all paperwork has cleared through P.C....just waiting on that postal system.

"...and at the core, there is this gut wrenching sob that says i don't wanna go!"

illuminated

i love how the light makes these stone structures appear inconsequential. as if their girth was melted away by the luminescence of the bulbs.

i'm intrigued by how light 'lightens', both in weight and darkness. i find much weight in the darkness i see in my life...be it sin or wounds or grief or whatever. yet i think about the great divorce by C.S. Lewis, how the 'realness' of the grass in eternity hurt the feet of mortal souls...this idea that the reality of His kingdom is much more substantial than anything i'll find here. is it really true, that the light is more powerful, more real, more consequential, than the dark? YES. but do i believe it? maybe.

i'm waiting for this truth to soak into the soil of my faith with my family...why is it i can believe something about God in one situation yet doubt that very same attribute in another? my belief in His goodness has shriveled when it comes to my family....and it makes my heart ache.

without hope in His light, His goodness, His love....my home is dark. my prayer for december is that i would see His light shine in the darkness and lo, it is not overcome! i do not want to give in to despair or doubt...i want to see Him illuminate the dark places, breaking the chains that have rusted shut over my family's hearts.

tonight was lovely....cinnamon coffee from scooter's, plaza lights in the brisk but comfortable night air, snapshots of other's journeys read on the floor of b&n, and a dear friend. for a couple hours, i slipped away from all the lists and demands that come with closing a chapter of your life...and it was good. i am going miss kc.

three days until i'm finished...honestly, i'm not looking forward to friday. it is going to be hard to leave rosehill, and to leave kc. do you ever feel that yearning, like if you just had a little more time...if you could just stay. if you could just wait...one more minute...then it would somehow be satisfied. but. i will go and i will trust. and i am EXCITED to go to south america....just waiting on that "official" letter. i hope it comes sooner than later. [or latter, if my students were trying to be fancy incorrectly...since latter is "how rich people say later"]

welp. here we go.

ROSEHILL SIXTH GRADERS