i sat beside you and became myself

i saw it before i actually touched it. the rich textures and glossy cover. the soft, weathered leather stitched in perfectly arranged patchwork. supple thickness and just the right line width. the invitation to travel and accompany one another through the upcoming season. and then there was this pause, as if i was wondering whether i could justify the purchase of this lovely journal without the peace corps. i really had to stop, because the immediate answer [no] was what bothered me. what? like life isn't going to be worth recording or living if i don't do peace corps? not worth reflecting on or wrestling through? not worth telling? you and i both know such is not the case. yet here i was, pretending like it was. i think this was a particularly interesting vein of thought because a seed has taken root in my heart...a seed of desire to remain, while the rest wishes to go. i've been avoiding that seed, refusing to water it but also refraining from digging it up...because i honestly have no clue where i'm SUPPOSED to be next year. and i'm not really certain that i should know. all i'm asking is that He would speak and that i would listen. because only then can i really be confident in the path...and i'm beginning to find that regardless of path i choose, He remains with me. it's not like path A is the only one that He is in....that presence comes from abiding in Him, from His grace and love...all of which have little to do with location or vocation.

....it's a bit like claustrophobia. it's gonna have to be really clear if i'm supposed to stay. and it's gonna have to be really clear if i'm supposed to go. and it can't be driven by fear. or false hope.

trust seems to be the only option. and no, i didn't yet buy that journal...as it cost about 45 bucks. but at least i can say confidently that it was out of financial not faith lack.

"el amor no es un sentimiento. es un habilidad" -marty, dan in real life.