she ate and ate until she got sick on the floor.

- 8 * 8 = 64...she 8 and 8 until she got 6 on the 4. That´s how I learned that multiplication fact. first thing that came to mind when i thought of 8 things.
- two monumental elections have passed and while in both situations there are disgruntled people, feel grateful those of you stateside that the most violent you will see those who are unhappy with the results is a snarky fb post or underbreath coffee break comment. here people in the northern and western parts of the country had to deal with fighting, riots, violence and even a few deaths. it makes me grateful to be from a nation where, even though our politics vary, we try to stand together. and even more so, as Christians we can say, my kingdom is not this kingdom...it´s a kingdom that cannot be shaken.
- so close and yet so far away from vacations...i am so ready.
- did i mention i hate thursdays? i feel like an old worn out rag on thursdays...blech.
- have to start interviewing for new teachers this week...it´s overwhelming. how do i know how to ask all the things that are important to doing this job well? how can i tell if they will really fit here and make it their place, or if they´ll buckle under this completely other thing that we do? may God give me wisdom and discernment.
- HACIA practice has been excellent so far...i´m so pleased with how prepared and enthusiastic the kids are...i have a feeling this year will be so much better than last.
- have started talking to my husband only in english in the evenings...we´ll see how this immersion course goes :)
- because in december, we´re going to colorado! for 2 and a half weeks! not sure about all our plans yet, but we will spend the majority of our time with patty´s family, the main lady for our sewing project. will keep you posted on kansas travel plans. :)

two cool for school

- yesterday was a spectacular day. all around amazing. capped off with italian dinner for two and a movie...love my hubby.
- today, in honor of all who have passed, we have no school. and monday, in honor of the craziness that will ensue when sandinistas take over the majority of mayor positions in country , we also have no class.

FOUR DAY WEEKEND!!

bliss. :)

estas son las mañanitas..

just ONE thing to say today...

it´s my 28th birthday. : D

And it has been so wonderful so far...before i even got to work i had been sang to three times:)

thank you Jesus for so many blessings, near and far...people who love and appreciate me. such joy.

thank you to all who have blessed me with kind words, gifts and love. i am so rich!

happy halloween!

-or as the first graders think, happy birthday satan...?
- let´s just let that sink in...
- here in nicaragua its a HUGE no no to celebrate halloween...that if you do, you are sinning and worshipping the devil and participating in pagan rituals.
- it´s just hard for me to swallow that.
- and to me, not that important to argue about
- so no caramel apples, pumpkins or sugar overloads for me...never mind that a lot of what you all enjoy in celebration there is not available here
- it makes me feel like it´s not really october 31st....for me, this day was always grey and wet but exciting, full of parties and silliness and candy (how i love candy) and basically an amp up to my birthday...
- so i feel out of place where it´s sunny, HOT and not a costume or party in sight.
- but it´s alright...because it really isn´t recommendable to eat as much sugar as i normally would on halloween (or in the entire month and a half that its on sale....LOVE me some reese´s pumpkins) and i´m too old for costumes...and i already dress up for the many silly activities my school does.
- so i´m good. even better when i remember where i´m at with my kids in high school...
- we read charles dickens´david copperfield. and we are currently watching the bbc version (to which they exclaim harry potter! how cute!!)
- we were watching the scene between agnes and david just as they were becoming youth, and david tells agnes she is his dearest sister...in response to that, they all sigh and more than 2 students simultaneously declared, with the conviction of the most profoundest truths, FRIENDZONE.
- thanks to cable, i actually know what this is (only about 2 weeks ago hah!) and i just had to laugh at how they use their everyday context to fully grasp this victorian england classic.
- it made me love dickens even more.
- i think i need to expose them to some jane austen. or john steinbeck. or any number of great classics.
- alas, i can only do 4 books in a year...both because of budget and time. and i already have my three year course marked out...but man, i wish i had a library for them. or just more hours.
- makes me wonder how i will feel next year not teaching them.
- it´s exhausting and overwhelming but i LOVE it...and am not quite sure i want to give it up...
- maybe having a psychologist and nurse next year will save me some time...
- we´ll see where i end up :)
- today in hacia i am going to walk them through the OAS letter and human rights declarations...and then teach them what is guantanamo bay. we´ll see how they react.
- i admire those who write a daily blog...it´s tough! half because of time and the other half because who knows what you´re going to say!
- i´m trying to pick up the discipline again, not caring if its messy or unfinished or not pleasing. just trusting that it is worthwhile to create.
- i think i´m worrying my fellow teachers...i abandoned the uniforms this week and have been coming in dressier clothes...a dress, a pencil skirt/tank combo, a skirt and blazer...and they all marvel and say where are you going? where´s the party?
- truth is, it´s my way of faking it til i make it...cus i am SO ready for vacation!
- yesterday was my bff´s birthday...and as i chatted with her online briefly it made me think of all these friendships that i dearly miss and yet have drifted farther and farther away from.
- i want to reconnect...to reinvolve myself in their lives and them in mine...let´s hope there´s still that possibility!
- picked back up with insanity and power walking...i think the power walk left me sorer than shaun t!
- tomorrow i turn 28. i remember as a kid and youth i always said 28 was my favorite number.
- not really sure why, it was just pleasing to me, balanced and full and calm.
- i´m hoping that those things are the base for my 28th year...a year in which i hope to experience new stages of life, opening of doors and closing of others, of digging in deep where it really matters.
- its a year of hope, of refreshment, of enjoyment...and tomorrow, i´ll only have one thing to post...:)

26(ish) bits

- spent 5 hours analyzing student data...and in each case, wanting to expound on why the tools we were using were not relevant...
- so we took turns on expounding, so as to not wear ourselves out
- horrified at the reality many of my students face
- wanting to ignore it, not really able to do anything about it...
- and yet it´s my responsibility to deal with it.
- spontaneous girls night out turned into a relaxing evening, tasty supper...
- and greeting all my students that were at the same place :)
- my love is far away...sleeping on a porch in hammocks with his male relatives. so glad i stayed home :).
- family members moving tomorrow, will miss having the little munchkins over for saturday breakfast.
- bruno (our pitbull) has one ear that sticks up and one that flops down...permanently inquisitive.
- sold my dell, looking to invest in an ipad...i used to swear i´d never be a mac girl...guess things change.
- getting ready to enter the last month of school...thank the Lord!
- looking for something fun to do with my kids after exams...a fun song maybe...any suggestions?
- started the day with a chai...reminded me of student teaching days...fridays were chai and cinnamon sugar bagel days
- finished it with a pitahya and limoncello gelato mix. refreshing.
- so many things to get done this weekend...
- but a huge desire to do nothing...
- we´ll see where i end up sunday.
- 18 out of 26 and sleep is creeping in.
- guess i´ll just owe you some
- imperfect prose.

25 things

- what is it about not getting things done that suffocate me? is it the feeling of failure? of irresponsibility? of being stuck and not moving forward?
- how do you deal with not getting things done?
- i dislike very strongly lying, exaggerating children. they make my life so much more complicated.
- thursday is my least favorite day. i´m the most tired, the most apt to be less than enthusiastic about the day, and just generally cranky because i know i still have one more day to do but nothing left to give.
- i miss fall
- husband going to the countryside...today or tomorrow. part of me is glad for some solitude, another is not happy about not getting to have the weekend with him.
- sometimes i dislike being an introvert.
- how do you really care for yourself as an introvert when your world demands that you be an extrovert?
- fries with cheese are #1 on my care list...don´t know if that´s really appropriate.
- i miss soft pretzels with cheese...no matter how many recipes i try here, nothing even comes close to the pretzel maker.
- what would it look like to get a franchise of pretzel maker down here?
- cinnabon made it down...why not auntie annes? anyone interested in making this happen? i´d give you a place to stay...
-i feel like the school is huffing and puffing through its last weeks...the kids, the teachers, the parents...everyone is worn down. and i wonder, how could we prevent this?
- my birthday is in 1 week. i´m not sure what i want to do.
- i do know i want it to involve papa john´s pizza. and maybe a ceasar salad.
- i am woefully disappointed in my lack of important things to say.
- next year represents a new season...growing to 400 students, 2 sections all throughout elementary school...and around 6 teachers leaving. i can only pray and trust that He knows what He´s doing.
- my thesis for post grad school is about the impact of the family environment on academic stats. the goal is to make a statement about parental responsiblity, partnership between school and family, offer practical solutions...but in the end, i know some just need redemption. and not a single strategy will function without that. not truly, anyway.
- looking to buy an ipad at the end of this year...trying one out tomorrow to see if i like it.
- struggling, surprisingly, to switch to all digital...my time here has made me more of a paper girl again and i find myself wrestling with my impulse to write stuff on paper when i know i´ll just have to type it in the database later.
- communication is the most vital and easiest to screw up component of our lives...i see this DAILY. and i find that the root of most of our problems (be it work, school, friends, family) is due to this. how can we become better communicators?
- makes me wonder...was it really necessary to scramble languages?
- ...of course it was...we are too natively arrogant to depend on God by ourselves.
- depend on Him. rely on Him. walk WITH Him...why is this so hard to learn and practice?
- i miss my park in kc...that i can´t even name right now! dear Lord.

first 24 things...

got this idea from elora nicole´s website...and it inspired me in that it is simple and without frills...just a pouring out. i like that. so here goes, 24 things (because todays the 24th).
 - balancing stress is like walking a tightrope...and my body has become ultrasensitive about it...the slightest rise in stress and my body freaks out.
 - i love painting my nails in jewel tones...its this new thing i´m reclaiming.
 - i feel like my to-do list at work is a charm of hummingbirds flitting around and i just want to stick them all in their agenda cage!
 - yes i just looked that up and was pleasantly surprised by what a group of hummingbirds is called.
 - speaking of bird group names, you should read...crap. i don´t remember what book it was that has for titles different bird group names. anyone know?
 - fighting for your personal spiritual freedom can be exhausting. and exhilarating. and easily forgotten.
 - kind of ready for this election stuff to be over. i feel like everyone´s got on their red or blue glasses and no one, for the life of them, can even think about seeing purple or have asked themselves is seeing in blue or red is really the answer.
 - i´m guessing it´s not the answer...just sayin´.
 - so everyone here in nicaragua freaked out because they brought out the old rumor about the government enforcing chip implantment...if you could hashtag conversations here in nicaragua it would read #apocalipsis #findelmundo #eeuueseldiablo? and other fun end of the world chatter. good thing here no one really believes the news.
 - preparing birthday dinners are fun. and tiring.
 - hacia kids selected. feeling good about the options. on to fundraising for expenses...it´s in punta cana DR! - torn about not teaching next year. sanity wise, it will be so much better to just focus on administration. passion wise, i´m gonna miss it.
 - i kind of wish we only needed 5 hours of sleep a night to feel refreshed.
 - i don´t know where the post office is in managua, ergo i miss writing letters. and receiving letters.is it cheating to email and ask the other to mail me their response?
 - really...only 14 things i´ve written so far?
 - those f...un hummingbirds are buzzing around, bothering me about why am i not taming them yet!!
 - would love just some me time to ponder as long as i want about my silly list of thoughts.
 - missing vacation.
 - except i tend to work vacations...
 - do you ever just get tired of yourself? of your habits and patterns that you just can´t seem to change?
 - i know...God is the game changer. but just once, it´d be fun to switch off parts of yourself that aren´t pleasant.
 - anyone watched homeland? it´s kind of crazy. not sure how i feel about it.
 - reading a lot about human trafficking lately. really bothers me. makes me sick...how is it that God has not destroyed us yet?? i wonder if he regrets his promise to not destroy the human race again...i can only long for the day He returns...we are not going to be able to clean up this mess without him.
 - feeling heavy, thinking of my fellow women around the world (around the block) that are abused, beaten, mistreated, denied rights, used...Lord have mercy.

 well. this is why i don´t think too much. it gets heavy real fast. your thoughts?

vacation's all i ever wanted...

oh dear...i've been away so long the format here has changed? i can't for the life of me get this thing back on its feet. it's something i miss, something i wish i could engage in...but i just don't. does that happen to anyone else? it's like my battle with coke. try as i might to quit it, i somehow always end up drinking it. and LOVING it. so the first semester here is over and two weeks of vacation are here (it was three but i spent all last week working, so...) and i can't say it finished excellently. dragging myself to work each day after 7 months of nonstop working was the highlight. lots of sick teachers and kids, three fathers passed away within our collective body and just a general wear and tear. is this what it looks like to work in ministry? the stark thing i see missing is that inner joy, inner strength that gets renewed...as corinthians reminds us, we do not distress because though we are wasting away outwardly, inwardly we are being renewed everyday. that became my daily anthem the last month and a half of school...because it's a promise, even though i don't believe it and therefore don't experience it. let's be honest. obviously i want that to be true and i want to believe it. but can i really say, YES! i am being renewed inwardly even though i feel downright awful in the physical? mentally and spiritually drained? nope. my faith is teensy tiny in that aspect. and because if i am really honest, i just like doing it on my own strength. and i KNOW that's why i just get run into the ground. it's hard for me to understand what it really means to rest in Him, to rely on Him for my strength, to let the Spirit work through me and back me up. The few times He has done it, it's exhilirating and exciting, not overwhelming and exhausting. So how does your typical type A driven perfectionist learn to not lean on her own understanding? to really rest in His ability, His working in her? TO trust rather than worry? i don't really know. there are patterns of thought and habit that have to change. and in the end, all i really know is that i can't change myself (that'd kinda be defeating the whole point now wouldn't it?) but i do know that His word says ask and it shall be given, seek and it shall be found, knock and it will be opened to you. so i'm asking, seeking, knocking and trusting that He who started this work will see it out...and that, more than anything, is refreshing. all that to say, there's some decisions to be made...a fork in the road where i thought there was just a logical one way camino. but since it's presented itself, we have to evaluate, seek and wait. and you know how much i love waiting...and though nicaragua has definitely tempered my patience, it has not cured me of anxious heart syndrome. so your prayers as we feel our way out in this would be appreciated.

it´s official...

I´m going stateside for semana santa!!! Big shout out to Patty...infinite thanks :)

Into Wichita Monday April 2nd at 8:24, back to Nicaragua Monday April 9th at 9:05 pm.

Let me know if we can see each other!!!!!!!

marchin' on

leaving for panama in less than 48 hours. what began as faltering speeches and incoherent investigations has become 10 polished and poised students, armed with knowledge and comfortable in speaking their mind, defending their points. and the most beautiful thing? each and every one of them wants to do this well, this secular, politcial, intelligent thing, to honor the One who made them. to show, as one student said, that Christians do have knowledge and have something to offer.

i just hope that desire really is sincere and heartfelt, because if it is? what an honor to be their advisor, to support them in this experience. for those who don't know what HACIA is, you can check it out here. it really is a neat opportunity and i'm thrilled i've gotten to prepare these students to participate. plus i've never been to Panama, so this should be interesting.

i am a little uncertain of leaving my husband just two weeks after his brother's accident and death. there's been a vulnerability, a fragility to our house these days and i wish i could just stay here in the midst of that, accompany him. but we know we are never alone.

over and over and over again i'm hearing 'rest'. 'don't work so much'. 'invest in people not tasks'. i'm hearing it. i'm getting it... still trying to figure out how to make it actually happen. hoping that the return from Panama will allow this to happen.

and there's something very exciting on the horizon, something promising. not wanting to share it yet in case things fall through, but i'm excited. (NO I'M NOT PREGNANT. for reals.)

a starved imagination

God has a way of weaving oswald chambers words' into my everyday circumstances...just fit right in there. this morning i was reading these last few days entries in my utmost for his highest...and this line just stopped me.
"The starvation of the imagination is one of the most fruitful sources of exhaustion and sapping in a worker's life..."

he spends several days discussiing this, how the Israelites starved their imagination looking into the faces of idols, taking isaiah 40 as his base.

and i'm sliced through, seeing how these everyday demands keep my eyes down here, instead of pondering His face. how i look at my own hands and panic, instead of taking joy in the strength in His. how i cringe as my heart empties out once again, forgetting that His love is continually flowing, always just a spark away.

i've been so worn-out. and yet chambers again doesn't find this impressive...we are expected to be poured out, broken as an offering. this is what we are called to. the issue comes when we don't let that pouring out come from the source, but from our pitiful broken cisterns.

it's a matter of will, not emotion. it's a choice, to look up, to activate, to remember.

and as simple as that, there's a spark of color, a flash of light. a joy bubbling up. a peace. a perfect moment in a sunny corner, hearing your husband share the GLORY of Jesus with a young man on the street. a rolling in that deep place as i explore new music (to me hah). an easing into restfulness, though busy.

i love how He loves me. how He reminds me, beckons me, asks me to come again and again. how lovely and merciful is He!

may i reflect THIS. His love, His mercy, His plans..."This abandon to the love of Christ is the one thing that bears fruit in the life, and it will always leave the impression of the holiness and of the power of God, never of our personal holiness." Chambers. may it be so.

2012

hello. just stepped out of the time black hole that is end of the school year, vacations (prepping for new year) and beginning of a new school year. is it really almost february?

some highlights:

-growing elementary school...more responsibility, more blessing.
-sewing project off and running...still learning a lot.
-driving! a stick shift! in managua!! (this is nothing short of a miracle)
-slow mending within broken relationships. slow going, but evident.
-deepening friendships.
-accepted into Grad school...offered a grant...but not enough to cover all costs. not going to study right now. at peace with this decision. a wise decision.
-HACIA only 38 days away...will we be ready???
-experiencing homesickness, four years in. odd and hard to define at times.
-seeing the beginning of an end and not sure how i feel about that.
-making some serious habit changes...a slow road but i know it will be worth it at all.

where have you all been these last three months?