wtf

so for those of you who did summer staff with me or happen to go to Christ Church might recall this little quote

"irrational fear: bugs crawling all over me....it's part of the reason i didn't join peace corps!"

here i am several months later, having decided that a phobia was not enough reason to miss out on an amazing opportunity...and really, how many critters could there be?

lots. tarantulas. scorpions. 1.5 inch cockroaches. *expletive*.

i mean, it's not enough to keep me from going obviously, but i get disturbed with every new horror story i come across in my nica blog perusals. does anyone think that packing a two year supply of raid is silly???

[and these are only the bugs on the outside. the number of parasites i may encounter in my pcv experience are innumerable. awesome.]

sexy

"You can't be connected with God until you're at peace with who you are. If you're still upset that God gave you this body or this life or this family or these circumstances, you will never be able to connect with God in a healthy, thriving, sustainable sort of way. You'll be at odds with your maker. And if you can't come to terms with who you are and the life you've been given, you'll never be able to accept others and how they were made and the lives they've been given. And until you're at peace with God and those around you, you will continue to struggle with your role on the planet, your part to play in the ongoing creation of the universe. You will continue to struggle and resist and fail to connect."

[Rob Bell, 'Sex God']

This passage really challenges me. I love this idea of sexuality being rooted in a desire to connect...a counter to our current state, which is disconnect - from God, ourselves, others, the earth, etc. We feel it and see it and hear it. We know that things are not as they should be. C.S. Lewis talks about people having a sense of right and wrong, the universal understanding that it is not ok to harm others, or to deceive others - even though we all do. It's the understanding that this is how things should be, but this is how they are. Disconnect.

So it is in connecting to others and to God and to our surroundings that helps us feel alive, to feel purpose, to feel "right". That things become more like they "should be". If this is what I'm going for, how then can I be implicitly disconnected with myself because I can't accept this or that? When I divorce a part of myself from myself out of repulsion or dislike, I split that which was meant to be whole, to be cohesive. This will inevitably alter how I relate to others. How many people have issues opening up and connecting with people because of an insecurity (nonacceptance) within themselves, leading to dissension, jealousy, fear, anger and a general breakdown of relating? I know I can attest to that.

Rob Bell then goes on to tell a story about his son asking what sexy meant....his wife replied that sexy is when it feels good to be in your own skin...when you love being you.

The full acceptance of yourself. The ability to then accept others as they are. Now THAT is attractive.

Here's to bringing sexy back.

shout out

so i'm checking out peacecorpsjournals.com to see what i can glean from fellow nica volunteers, and what do i find?

my blog. listed from january 9th. what the...?

welcome to government employment. :)

so buenas noches to any of my future family in nica...can't wait to meet you all and do this pc thing!

ps: got fitted in my osprey pack today, and found it online for 50 bucks cheaper, no tax and free shipping. stellar. that being said...if anyone needs a new red rolling luggage set, hit me up. i've got a pair i need to sell you!

70 days...not 43 like i so miscounted the other day. whew.

absorb

as i wandered through blue moon winter ale and decaf cinnamon cafe au lait, i realized that manhattan has become a place of restful enjoyment. not just in beverage. or surroundings. or company. rather, it's like picking up that lopsided water pitcher you formed and filling it with the coldest sweet tea, refreshing on the hottest days. it's realizing that the time spent to bring forth this space, this place of a certain self and its actualization, was utterly worth it. and behind my own grasping hands were the hands of someone much more skilled than me. so now that i am looking back at that pitcher, i see not the cracks or wobbly handle, but a vessel of unique beauty and function. and it makes me so thankful i got to walk through that. all the hell and wonder, the waiting and receiving, the giving and taking.

it gives me hope as i am fashioning this part of my life. i don't know what i am making or really what each move might make in the end, but i have learned to appreciate the process. and trust that no matter what the final product is, it is lovely and not without specific purpose. there is great artistic freedom in this realization.

maybe you don't think you are an artist. you don't paint or play an instrument or dance en pointe. but trust me when i say, that you are an artist...the image of the Artist is graven in your very DNA. do it. say "i am an artist". and then figure out some way to do that...be it pencil sketches, scrapbooks, piano arpeggios or african dance. or organizing desk drawers. or creating starburst wrapper chains. create! put that energy into something creative. it doesn't matter if it's overtly attractive or "looks like art". just put something of yourself into an express form. and walk in the joy of knowing you have the privilege to create.

"how can you be so calm when the truth is sometimes we live in the eye of the storm?" [jack johnson, 'same girl']

rest

has become a thing of great desire lately. not just sleep or lack of things to do, but true, refreshing, releasing rest. Jesus said come. away. to rest. for a while. never before has that sounded so sweet to my ears.

after this weekend, i need that rest. the best part though? that His word and His promises are becoming richer and sturdier to me as i walk this out...not because they were lacking before, but my soul is finally grasping and longing for what it truly is. and it is nothing short of replenishing.

organic. ripen. roots. these are words that keep coming up within me and around me. i'm not an agriculturally savvy person, but i like this imagery that God gives us to understand our journey. it has been the small shifts i have made in response to this new thing that has allowed me to endure. like writing in a simple spiral. braiding instead of straightening. embracing rather than controlling. and every intricate facet fits perfectly together, both the painful and pleasant.



i found this at salt mine...fabulous read so far.

panqueques

so today IHOP gave away free shortstacks. this meant i got to take my girls from House of Hope on a fun midweek trip to eat said shortstacks. while we were there, a server refilled my water glass, like any other server would. the second he walked away, all three girls were staring at me with these incredulous eyes.

"miss sarah...he was checking you out!!"

mind you, the guy was standing at the booth behind us. right.

the next 15 minutes consisted of them giggling and whispering loudly and staring at him, while he had to weave around our table and me attempting to get out to pay our check.

my face is still a bit red.

the funny part was how nervous it made me. i mean, this was nothing...a simple distraction for some girls that seriously miss the social world. i guess i didn't realize how not dating for the past five years might affect my social graces. i can only laugh at how awkward and uncomfortable i might become when that thing called love comes waltzing my way.

"embrace the awkward!" - lauren heidebrecht, her amazing social philosophy.

i heart igoogle

all of my online perusing in one handy package that ALSO reflects the outside sky of my locale? oh i am in LOVE.

present

tonight at the gathering, the 1-3 words describing my life was 'present'. not like a gift, but a being within the current moment. and it was so wonderful to realize that...to sit and drink in the richness of being present....things are brighter, fuller, more tangible and ultimately, more satisfying. i am so thankful.

i watched amy winehouse get out of rehab to perform 'rehab' on the grammys tonight, and then win record of the year. the word that i thought when i saw her reaction? humbled. luke 5:31

i've decided i really like sketching with people. so if we're friends and you sketch, we should definitely take an afternoon together. soon.

a 4 page notebook paper story of my life album and the album itself made me feel so very well taken care of. not necessarily by this person in particular, but by the One who unites me and all these people around me. every good gift comes down from the Father of lights.

old navy's new safari collection is going to send me to nicaragua in style. never before has fabric durability, cotton-ness and breathability mattered so much.

and i still don't know how to do links in my posts. annoying.

ps: my organic transformation has become a real thing of beauty. i like this path i get to be on.

" You gave your body to the lonely
They took your clothes
You gave up a wife and a family
You gave your goals

To be alone with me
To be alone with me
To be alone with me
You went up on a tree"

To Be Alone With Me Sufjan Stevens

"And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or fathers or mothers or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and inherit eternal life. " -Matt 19:29

super

blue moose wine night. obama pulling in 13 and counting states. potential snow day for all kids and teachers tomorrow. it really is a super tuesday.

four little letters

and for a lighter side to blogging....which myers briggs initials are you?

i used to think personality tests were bogus, just like online dating services and infomercial workout equipment. yet i was talking with my pal Lauren who was sharing how much freedom her myers briggs test gave her...it was like putting into words the things she herself knew for so long but no one else could seem to understand. and the coolest part? it has brought harmony and affection into her family relationships. that makes is very un-bogus, if you ask me.

so i took the test and found that i am an INFJ...an introvert who goes off intuitions and loves depth and organization. i caught myself laughing out loud at some of the descriptions like "experiences health problems when under a lot of stress", "champions of the oppressed and downtrodden" "knack for fluency in language", and "the INFJ under stress may fall prey to various forms of immediate gratification" because they are so true! thankfully, my immediate gratification usually only involves chocolate or ice cream at its extreme. it is fascinating to see how much of my path is directed in part by my personality.

that being said, i'm off to check my eharmony matches and bust out the thigh master. make sure you leave your myers briggs initials.

TWLOHA

pain is an interesting part of life.

i remember when donald miller wrote blue like jazz. the things he spoke of stirred up that isaiah 61 calling we all have if we follow Jesus. it was inspiring, the kind of thing that makes you feel like you are seeing things for the first time. then there was a group that took his words and put them into action [to write love on her arms]. the benefits go to helping battered teens who suffer with depression, anxiety, cutting, etc. it was one more way to be a part of "being in it". just like invisible children. just like the soup kitchen or the random hot coffee.

but then i started house of hope. it is hard to explain the reaction of a soul when it becomes face to face with sheer agony. pain that you are not responsible for nor can you heal, yet you are choosing to be a part of it...to step right in it with them. there is every urge to run, to stuff it, to rationalize it, to do whatever you can mentally to cope with the reality of this girl's situation.

and yet, i can't run. i can't ignore it. i can't hold it at arm's length. there is this compelling force in my heart that says stay. just walk with her. be the mirror that shows her how He sees her. it's like photo overlays...the one with her broken skin and rounded shoulders and weighted eyes, the bound up soul and hazy mind and then there's the one of her as she was meant to be....laughing and light and lovely. my job is to keep the latter before me and the truth anchoring my every word.

i mean, what does it look like to literally write love on her arms? it's not a benefit or a t-shirt or a banner...it's her bleeding wrists and hips, leading up to her chained heart. part of me is terrified. yet in it all i know that He is the one who heals and sets free. i have to let Him be who He is.

i am learning so many new things.