Thursday, July 7, 2011

listen to what i mean, not necessarily what i say

so a while back i was complaining to the Lord (and probably anyone who would listen) about how i am really lacking a community here. the aftermath of some really painful stuff left me isolated and left out in my church community. thankfully, through His grace, there has been healing and there is a recuperation that is happening...most of all, there's just some plain ol' obedience. so i know it's gonna get better. but i had just been feeling sad, lonely...missing my sister friends from kansas and those that really KNOW me. you know?

and then i got some pretty sweet skyping.and random dinner invites. and then i started seeing opportunities spring up here, little blips of invitations to participate, to be part of this church community.

would you believe me if i told you i don't want to do any of it?? (except the skyping. that was good. and the dinners. those were delicious)

i know. i KNOW. i can't quite figure it out. but then i thought of Moses. Moses was pretty awesome, breaking up fights and defending his fellow men. and in the middle of this, the Israelites are complaining hardcore because of their bondage. So God came down and in a really outlandish way got Moses' attention, trying to place him as a leader. He even gave him a snakey stick and a leprosy trick and some bloody river water flair to help him 'prove' his 'real-dealness' to the people. to the community he would be entering. but Moses was still like, nah, i can't. so God got pretty mad and then He placed Aaron as his mouth. because in the end, Moses said, Your will be done. 'Please, Lord, now send the message by whomever You will.'

as i have these new chances to be back in my community, i feel resistance. but in the end, i want to say yes to Him. i think i've just gotten comfortable in my little hidey-hole that i carved out in my soul over these past months and i don't really want to come out. too risky, too unknown. and i feel like i can't. like Moses.

i don't expect He'll send me a mouthpiece like Moses (besides, my brother is in kansas and i'm in nicaragua) but i know He'll equip me.

so instead of being anxious and resistant, i'll say yes. i'll get out there, wet my feet a bit. will i mess up? most likely. will i feel uncomfortable? yep. but will it be worth it?

i can only hope so.

what are the difficulties you've encountered in community? how did you overcome?

1 comment:

R.W. Shipshape said...

After my friend moved to Alaska in an attempt to avoid more relational pain, I judgmentally thought, "He doesn't get it. You just gotta hang in there. No man's an island. Don't be a lone ranger."

But then something painful happened in my life and I had the urge to move to Alaska right along with him.

Sometimes life with people is just so dang hard. Sometimes believing (or trying to believe) it's good is the only thing that makes me stick around.