dawdling

i could blame this lack of a post on the dead battery/charger for my dell laptop. which does have a certain weight, but the reality is that i´ve been avoiding this post for a while. because it´s uncomfortable. and i´m not sure how to do it. so i´ve been dawdling.

but i´ve found that just dealing with the truth as soon as you can is much more effective than letting it hide.

how do you talk about leaving a church and why you left it WITHOUT saying things that will inevitably be harmful to the people inside the church? doesn´t matter that they don´t even read my blog nor do they speak English...but for integrity´s sake.

i kind of think that you can´t. and it´s what makes this all so much more awful...because he believes that i would do that. not in a blog necessarily, but that i would go around running my mouth to harm and bring him down. *sigh*

how do you be a part of a church where your race is what defines you (not by choice but by others´perception) and not who you are as a daughter of the King? how do you walk in your abilities and in community if they do not appreciate or trust those abilities, based on false pretexts? What do you do when if you stay, you die spiritually and if you go, you are shunned? how do you face the reality that what you believed to be an intimate, trusting, respectful friendship is actually not that at all?

how do you react in love and forgiveness when someone smears your character in front of everyone?

11 Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. 12 Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you. [Matthew 5: 11 - 12]

i feel like i´m exaggerating to put that up there...like what i´m passing through is anything like the persecution He experienced. but it reminds me, that if in a tiny teeny little way this is happening, i am blessed. and i have no reason to get all caught up in it, to get hurt and brought down...why give more fuel to something i stepped out of??? why let it continue to affect me at all??


so we move forward. we give thanks for the little things...the little congregation that has received us, the little moments of acceptance to be who He has made me to be, the little freedoms to walk in what i feel He has called me to walk.

so rejoice with me friends...pray with me for healing, for kindness, for repentance, for reconcilliation.

let us TRUST Him to do the work.