Saturday, March 22, 2008



i feel like i got a little lost last week. time has become a funny facet of my experience lately. the passing and preserving and pacing and racing of this measurement has seemed rather awkward lately. perhaps it is my inward wrestling with the countdown to nica.

44 days. in 14 days, it will be exactly one month away. this inevitably begs the question of how does one emerge from a life she has so fully thrown herself into here to dive into another extension of that life in a totally foreign environment? it's coming to that point of transition where i begin to dread the impending separation and start berating myself for having gotten so fully involved in the current life. especially this time around, as i KNEW it would be extraordinarily short. but then i stop myself. i am learning to wade knee deep. i am learning to be all of me in whatever place. i am learning that life is best lived when you are fully engaged, alive in your current moment. the overwhelming sense has been one of satiation, yet also a struggle between micro and macro lenses. i have immersed myself into a heart ministry with three, soon to be four teen girls. i have poured out and become vulnerable with a handful of amazing people. i have stayed with a community of brothers and sisters. and all of this makes it that much harder to leave.

but i am not dying. not wholly, anyways. sure, there are parts of me that will inevitably fall away in this next season. and i'm hoping tons more that will sprout up and grow strong. my fear is then returning to this place i am leaving, and finding that i no longer fit. but my hope is in knowing that some people are taking this journey with heart and spirit. and while we will both be different, i am so thankful to have travel companions across the miles.

in less philosophical news, i decided that i can only eat so much easter candy before i feel wretched. and that amount is much smaller than i anticipated. part of me is rejoicing, as this means less self-control is needed, but part of me is ill with the realization that the limit was reached two chocolate eggs ago and now i get to hang out with the stomach ache. time to hit up the vegetables...bunny eared bell pepper anyone?

happy easter my fellow bloggers. no matter your beliefs or position with God right now, my hope is that in some moment of today you will experience the love of Christ. that it would reach to the depths of your being and remind you of what you were created for. and that from there, a new branch may begin to spring up. that the man who died so many years ago would become real to you - not a story or a theology or an excuse or place to debate, but a real man that lived to do the will of His Father. and that this will was to die that you might live. to bring you home to the One who created you to know Him. maybe you won't make any life changing decisions today, but maybe you'll allow Him to tell you how He sees you. i have found that those moments impact me profoundly.


Sara said...

Living fully engaged in the current moment...hmm...seems to be a common theme floating around. Guess great minds think alike. ;)
p.s. If you want to just pretend like you aren't REALLY leaving that soon then I'm totally okay with that. Because I must confess that's exactly what I'm doing. It's either that or I'll be super-emotional every time I see you. And let me just say, I am not an attractive crier.
p.s.s. That comment does not reflect how seriously excited I am for you to embark on the PC adventure. Because I really, really am!!! (maaaaybe instead of bemoaning the fact that my B-F-F will be a ways away for a bit I should work on having more concise post scripts...)

lauren h. said...

"i am learning to be all of me in whatever place."
hooray!! i am cheering you on in this! your dream sounds interesting...i'm assuming that i'm not supposed to interpret it literally b/c giiirl..i can't sing. (unless i'm singing back up to alicia) :-)