thread 001: gray dawn PANTONE14-4106 TCX

Recently, I’ve found myself tentatively exploring liminal space: the moments between Moments, the sound between breath and heartbeat, the tiny crevices of the day in which there is no demand, no duty, no words, just the end of one slipping into the beginning of another. 

Had you asked me even a month ago, I would have told you these spaces are inconsequential at best and wasted at worst. Today I am finding them full of possibility. These are the spaces in which you can actually hear what your body is telling you. Moments in which you can connect the dots across the day to finally understand something. Snatches of boyish grins and eyes full of delight. How much have I missed by insisting these everyday moments be maximized, stuffed beyond reason or simply rushed through?

For so long, I have lived my life as if I were mere steps from a Life Well Lived (TM). Indeed, I have even spent many an hour lamenting how this or that derailed me from my journey. Yet I am discovering that a LWL is not an end point on some cosmic map, but a humming invitation in this very moment to pay attention. To observe and accept what is in front of me without judgement or dismissal. Many moments of life are Dawn Gray - inconspicuous, tonal so as to not be completely invisible or ignored, yet infused with beauty the more you take it in. 

Each of us is weaving a technicolor tapestry, and this is mine.

taking stock

sometime at the end of 2021, i took a scalpel to the things that took up my time. i sliced away my social media accounts, snipped off the news reports, cut through anything that interfered with the things i most desired - connection, presence.

it produced the results i had hoped for, a drawing down into everyday life, a narrowing of my field of vision, an invitation to stop believing the myth that i can do all the things, all the time. 

it did not, however, make everything all perfect and light. (obviously.)

if anything, it freed up more of myself to recognize the weight and preciousness of the everyday moments in front of me: the heft of a preschooler's gaze on you as you play with him. the gravity of a lucid conversation with your grandmother whose memory is quickly slipping. the brilliance of a family dinner, laughter clinking around the plates. 

it has also made me aware of the emotional and mental limits i carry with me, and those not nearly as expansive as i once thought. i am also realizing that the output in each of the aforementioned moments is higher than i originally assumed.

so here i am, asking myself, how do we keep our emotional and mental tanks filled, while not skimping on the love, care and connection we pour out? how do we make space for what we need, while not neglecting all that we have in front of us? i had assumed the work done at the beginning of this season was sufficient to provide me with the margins i needed...i am finding that is only partially true.

reading kate bowler's new book, 'Good Enough´, i found myself struck by this one particular quote she shares in reference to steven pressfield's book, ´Turning Pro´: "the key, says pressfield, is to ask yourself what your life is trying to point to. that's a wonderful and horrible thing to think about."

what does my life point to? what are the pillars of this existence i'm building? are they all pillars i want to be founding my day to day upon? 

one pillar that i know has been missing lately is writing. i am a writer. i enjoy writing, and i have lots of ideas and thoughts that are satisfying to express on the written page. most of my work involves creating new content, writing and editing and revising in such a way to connect with my future users. 

so i´m blowing the dust off this rickety corner of the internet, seeing what comes. i do not have a particular purpose or audience just yet, but i do know i need to write. i'm approaching this almost as an experiment, a new thing to do regularly for the sake of doing it, a rhythm that meets a need and (hopefully) has a positive outcome. it will be interesting to see what blossoms and grows in this space.

Exploring that inner Self

Read. Bake. Run. Write. Draw.

These are the ways I reset, unfold stiff places, work out knots and just generally process through the things life throws my way.  So why on earth do I spend so little time doing them, or even worse, avoid them?

The past two years have been a process of deconstructing this outer self I had created over the first six years of my time here in Nicaragua. The idealistic, hopeful, silk skinned advocate that came bouncing off the plane  in 2008 has seen and heard worlds of hurt and suffering that threatened to swallow her whole. Experienced the sharp cut of betrayal and bewildering sense of being lost when your character is smeared and on display for all to critique. Endured splits and divisions and loss within all her community circles: friends, family, work, church. Became whatever it took to be whatever the person in front of her needed, only to find she no longer felt known or understood as herself. Slowly, day by day, without even fully understanding what she was doing, the scaffolding teetered up and around her inner self as she constructed shields around those vulnerable places and locked up anything not able to handle a good knock or two; like a mother collecting all her glass figurines, precious memories and delicate porcelain decorations before her newborn ever becomes mobile. And she shuts them away for years, because honestly, what business do those tiny, superfluous creations have in a house with a small one? That, of course, is common sense when speaking of something material, but that logic does not transfer to the intangible, the inner soft spots that often shine the very best of us but are also the most vulnerable. When you shut those up, away so that they may not be broken or damaged, you also shut out your best connection to the people you love the most. And suddenly you find yourself hard, barren, sterile - disconnected.

That´s where I found myself at the beginning of 2015, hidden away behind sinewy layers of protection, emotions truncated and feelings stuffed, connections completely severed or hanging on by a thread.

Through a lot of walking, talking, praying, reading, listening and talking some more, through music and laughter and intentional tiny steps, I broke that structure down, one defense mechanism at a time. I felt the Architect guide me through each step, gently persisting when I wanted to leave a panel up (it´s really not that bad, see? It´s actually kind of nice??) and now I´m here, uncovered and mostly unafraid, but it feels a bit like when you get a cast off. You don´t recognize this limp, pale limb protruding from your body; you don´t quite have control of it´s motor function and it feels a bit disconcerting how different it is. It may recover completely, maybe even  become stronger than before...but the scar that runs along the ridge will never go away. A daily reminder of what was broken and what it took to become whole again.

And just like when I spiral snapped my left hand bone all those years ago, how gingerly I used it for months after it was fully healed, how I still, even now, am careful to not grab or sustain anything with just my middle finger...I find myself doing the same thing with my newly restored self. To read, to run, to bake, to write, or to draw...they mean connecting this self with something new, to let emotions be experienced and to create something out of nothing. Reading and baking are fairly low risk, running can be as long as I don´t think about it too much...but writing and drawing? Those feel...too open, too vulnerable.

While I was home this Christmas, I saw echoes of my art all around me...my old portfolios, a portrait I had done for a friend calling to me from her child´s dresser, essays and articles I had written so passionately years before...when an old friend asked me if I still did as much art as I did back then, I wanted to cry...because I had forgotten how integral that was to who I had been. I wondered if she was still in here somewhere, or if she´d been lost in the process of the last several years.

This growing, becoming that we do as humans...it´s an incredibly raw and alive experience. Somewhere along the way I believed I had “arrived”, become who “Sarah” is and that this was who I would be forever and ever. How shortsighted that is! The Word tells me that He who began a good work will bring it to completion...how would that ever indicate that I would stay the same? I realize now that so much of my shutting up and shutting down was for fear of losing myself or getting hurt/damaged. But now I realize that these experiences are universal, and we become more beautiful/stronger for it. We were promised trouble and suffering in this world, but we were also promised that He would be with us; the Author and perfecter of my faith, my Maker, is with me...and able to turn whatever comes my way into a tool in the hands of a master Artist, shaping me into a fuller, truer self.

So instead of ignoring those things that beckon, the blooming of an idea, the whisper of a design, I´ll take a step out into this shaky place, trusting that just as my hand grew stronger and got restored through deliberate use, so my soul will round out those withered places by creating.

“Be brave, and do not pray for the hard thing to go away, but pray for a bravery that is bigger than the hard thing.” - The Broken Way, Ann Voskamp.

she ate and ate until she got sick on the floor.

- 8 * 8 = 64...she 8 and 8 until she got 6 on the 4. That´s how I learned that multiplication fact. first thing that came to mind when i thought of 8 things.
- two monumental elections have passed and while in both situations there are disgruntled people, feel grateful those of you stateside that the most violent you will see those who are unhappy with the results is a snarky fb post or underbreath coffee break comment. here people in the northern and western parts of the country had to deal with fighting, riots, violence and even a few deaths. it makes me grateful to be from a nation where, even though our politics vary, we try to stand together. and even more so, as Christians we can say, my kingdom is not this kingdom...it´s a kingdom that cannot be shaken.
- so close and yet so far away from vacations...i am so ready.
- did i mention i hate thursdays? i feel like an old worn out rag on thursdays...blech.
- have to start interviewing for new teachers this week...it´s overwhelming. how do i know how to ask all the things that are important to doing this job well? how can i tell if they will really fit here and make it their place, or if they´ll buckle under this completely other thing that we do? may God give me wisdom and discernment.
- HACIA practice has been excellent so far...i´m so pleased with how prepared and enthusiastic the kids are...i have a feeling this year will be so much better than last.
- have started talking to my husband only in english in the evenings...we´ll see how this immersion course goes :)
- because in december, we´re going to colorado! for 2 and a half weeks! not sure about all our plans yet, but we will spend the majority of our time with patty´s family, the main lady for our sewing project. will keep you posted on kansas travel plans. :)

two cool for school

- yesterday was a spectacular day. all around amazing. capped off with italian dinner for two and a movie...love my hubby.
- today, in honor of all who have passed, we have no school. and monday, in honor of the craziness that will ensue when sandinistas take over the majority of mayor positions in country , we also have no class.

FOUR DAY WEEKEND!!

bliss. :)

estas son las mañanitas..

just ONE thing to say today...

it´s my 28th birthday. : D

And it has been so wonderful so far...before i even got to work i had been sang to three times:)

thank you Jesus for so many blessings, near and far...people who love and appreciate me. such joy.

thank you to all who have blessed me with kind words, gifts and love. i am so rich!

happy halloween!

-or as the first graders think, happy birthday satan...?
- let´s just let that sink in...
- here in nicaragua its a HUGE no no to celebrate halloween...that if you do, you are sinning and worshipping the devil and participating in pagan rituals.
- it´s just hard for me to swallow that.
- and to me, not that important to argue about
- so no caramel apples, pumpkins or sugar overloads for me...never mind that a lot of what you all enjoy in celebration there is not available here
- it makes me feel like it´s not really october 31st....for me, this day was always grey and wet but exciting, full of parties and silliness and candy (how i love candy) and basically an amp up to my birthday...
- so i feel out of place where it´s sunny, HOT and not a costume or party in sight.
- but it´s alright...because it really isn´t recommendable to eat as much sugar as i normally would on halloween (or in the entire month and a half that its on sale....LOVE me some reese´s pumpkins) and i´m too old for costumes...and i already dress up for the many silly activities my school does.
- so i´m good. even better when i remember where i´m at with my kids in high school...
- we read charles dickens´david copperfield. and we are currently watching the bbc version (to which they exclaim harry potter! how cute!!)
- we were watching the scene between agnes and david just as they were becoming youth, and david tells agnes she is his dearest sister...in response to that, they all sigh and more than 2 students simultaneously declared, with the conviction of the most profoundest truths, FRIENDZONE.
- thanks to cable, i actually know what this is (only about 2 weeks ago hah!) and i just had to laugh at how they use their everyday context to fully grasp this victorian england classic.
- it made me love dickens even more.
- i think i need to expose them to some jane austen. or john steinbeck. or any number of great classics.
- alas, i can only do 4 books in a year...both because of budget and time. and i already have my three year course marked out...but man, i wish i had a library for them. or just more hours.
- makes me wonder how i will feel next year not teaching them.
- it´s exhausting and overwhelming but i LOVE it...and am not quite sure i want to give it up...
- maybe having a psychologist and nurse next year will save me some time...
- we´ll see where i end up :)
- today in hacia i am going to walk them through the OAS letter and human rights declarations...and then teach them what is guantanamo bay. we´ll see how they react.
- i admire those who write a daily blog...it´s tough! half because of time and the other half because who knows what you´re going to say!
- i´m trying to pick up the discipline again, not caring if its messy or unfinished or not pleasing. just trusting that it is worthwhile to create.
- i think i´m worrying my fellow teachers...i abandoned the uniforms this week and have been coming in dressier clothes...a dress, a pencil skirt/tank combo, a skirt and blazer...and they all marvel and say where are you going? where´s the party?
- truth is, it´s my way of faking it til i make it...cus i am SO ready for vacation!
- yesterday was my bff´s birthday...and as i chatted with her online briefly it made me think of all these friendships that i dearly miss and yet have drifted farther and farther away from.
- i want to reconnect...to reinvolve myself in their lives and them in mine...let´s hope there´s still that possibility!
- picked back up with insanity and power walking...i think the power walk left me sorer than shaun t!
- tomorrow i turn 28. i remember as a kid and youth i always said 28 was my favorite number.
- not really sure why, it was just pleasing to me, balanced and full and calm.
- i´m hoping that those things are the base for my 28th year...a year in which i hope to experience new stages of life, opening of doors and closing of others, of digging in deep where it really matters.
- its a year of hope, of refreshment, of enjoyment...and tomorrow, i´ll only have one thing to post...:)

26(ish) bits

- spent 5 hours analyzing student data...and in each case, wanting to expound on why the tools we were using were not relevant...
- so we took turns on expounding, so as to not wear ourselves out
- horrified at the reality many of my students face
- wanting to ignore it, not really able to do anything about it...
- and yet it´s my responsibility to deal with it.
- spontaneous girls night out turned into a relaxing evening, tasty supper...
- and greeting all my students that were at the same place :)
- my love is far away...sleeping on a porch in hammocks with his male relatives. so glad i stayed home :).
- family members moving tomorrow, will miss having the little munchkins over for saturday breakfast.
- bruno (our pitbull) has one ear that sticks up and one that flops down...permanently inquisitive.
- sold my dell, looking to invest in an ipad...i used to swear i´d never be a mac girl...guess things change.
- getting ready to enter the last month of school...thank the Lord!
- looking for something fun to do with my kids after exams...a fun song maybe...any suggestions?
- started the day with a chai...reminded me of student teaching days...fridays were chai and cinnamon sugar bagel days
- finished it with a pitahya and limoncello gelato mix. refreshing.
- so many things to get done this weekend...
- but a huge desire to do nothing...
- we´ll see where i end up sunday.
- 18 out of 26 and sleep is creeping in.
- guess i´ll just owe you some
- imperfect prose.

25 things

- what is it about not getting things done that suffocate me? is it the feeling of failure? of irresponsibility? of being stuck and not moving forward?
- how do you deal with not getting things done?
- i dislike very strongly lying, exaggerating children. they make my life so much more complicated.
- thursday is my least favorite day. i´m the most tired, the most apt to be less than enthusiastic about the day, and just generally cranky because i know i still have one more day to do but nothing left to give.
- i miss fall
- husband going to the countryside...today or tomorrow. part of me is glad for some solitude, another is not happy about not getting to have the weekend with him.
- sometimes i dislike being an introvert.
- how do you really care for yourself as an introvert when your world demands that you be an extrovert?
- fries with cheese are #1 on my care list...don´t know if that´s really appropriate.
- i miss soft pretzels with cheese...no matter how many recipes i try here, nothing even comes close to the pretzel maker.
- what would it look like to get a franchise of pretzel maker down here?
- cinnabon made it down...why not auntie annes? anyone interested in making this happen? i´d give you a place to stay...
-i feel like the school is huffing and puffing through its last weeks...the kids, the teachers, the parents...everyone is worn down. and i wonder, how could we prevent this?
- my birthday is in 1 week. i´m not sure what i want to do.
- i do know i want it to involve papa john´s pizza. and maybe a ceasar salad.
- i am woefully disappointed in my lack of important things to say.
- next year represents a new season...growing to 400 students, 2 sections all throughout elementary school...and around 6 teachers leaving. i can only pray and trust that He knows what He´s doing.
- my thesis for post grad school is about the impact of the family environment on academic stats. the goal is to make a statement about parental responsiblity, partnership between school and family, offer practical solutions...but in the end, i know some just need redemption. and not a single strategy will function without that. not truly, anyway.
- looking to buy an ipad at the end of this year...trying one out tomorrow to see if i like it.
- struggling, surprisingly, to switch to all digital...my time here has made me more of a paper girl again and i find myself wrestling with my impulse to write stuff on paper when i know i´ll just have to type it in the database later.
- communication is the most vital and easiest to screw up component of our lives...i see this DAILY. and i find that the root of most of our problems (be it work, school, friends, family) is due to this. how can we become better communicators?
- makes me wonder...was it really necessary to scramble languages?
- ...of course it was...we are too natively arrogant to depend on God by ourselves.
- depend on Him. rely on Him. walk WITH Him...why is this so hard to learn and practice?
- i miss my park in kc...that i can´t even name right now! dear Lord.

first 24 things...

got this idea from elora nicole´s website...and it inspired me in that it is simple and without frills...just a pouring out. i like that. so here goes, 24 things (because todays the 24th).
 - balancing stress is like walking a tightrope...and my body has become ultrasensitive about it...the slightest rise in stress and my body freaks out.
 - i love painting my nails in jewel tones...its this new thing i´m reclaiming.
 - i feel like my to-do list at work is a charm of hummingbirds flitting around and i just want to stick them all in their agenda cage!
 - yes i just looked that up and was pleasantly surprised by what a group of hummingbirds is called.
 - speaking of bird group names, you should read...crap. i don´t remember what book it was that has for titles different bird group names. anyone know?
 - fighting for your personal spiritual freedom can be exhausting. and exhilarating. and easily forgotten.
 - kind of ready for this election stuff to be over. i feel like everyone´s got on their red or blue glasses and no one, for the life of them, can even think about seeing purple or have asked themselves is seeing in blue or red is really the answer.
 - i´m guessing it´s not the answer...just sayin´.
 - so everyone here in nicaragua freaked out because they brought out the old rumor about the government enforcing chip implantment...if you could hashtag conversations here in nicaragua it would read #apocalipsis #findelmundo #eeuueseldiablo? and other fun end of the world chatter. good thing here no one really believes the news.
 - preparing birthday dinners are fun. and tiring.
 - hacia kids selected. feeling good about the options. on to fundraising for expenses...it´s in punta cana DR! - torn about not teaching next year. sanity wise, it will be so much better to just focus on administration. passion wise, i´m gonna miss it.
 - i kind of wish we only needed 5 hours of sleep a night to feel refreshed.
 - i don´t know where the post office is in managua, ergo i miss writing letters. and receiving letters.is it cheating to email and ask the other to mail me their response?
 - really...only 14 things i´ve written so far?
 - those f...un hummingbirds are buzzing around, bothering me about why am i not taming them yet!!
 - would love just some me time to ponder as long as i want about my silly list of thoughts.
 - missing vacation.
 - except i tend to work vacations...
 - do you ever just get tired of yourself? of your habits and patterns that you just can´t seem to change?
 - i know...God is the game changer. but just once, it´d be fun to switch off parts of yourself that aren´t pleasant.
 - anyone watched homeland? it´s kind of crazy. not sure how i feel about it.
 - reading a lot about human trafficking lately. really bothers me. makes me sick...how is it that God has not destroyed us yet?? i wonder if he regrets his promise to not destroy the human race again...i can only long for the day He returns...we are not going to be able to clean up this mess without him.
 - feeling heavy, thinking of my fellow women around the world (around the block) that are abused, beaten, mistreated, denied rights, used...Lord have mercy.

 well. this is why i don´t think too much. it gets heavy real fast. your thoughts?

vacation's all i ever wanted...

oh dear...i've been away so long the format here has changed? i can't for the life of me get this thing back on its feet. it's something i miss, something i wish i could engage in...but i just don't. does that happen to anyone else? it's like my battle with coke. try as i might to quit it, i somehow always end up drinking it. and LOVING it. so the first semester here is over and two weeks of vacation are here (it was three but i spent all last week working, so...) and i can't say it finished excellently. dragging myself to work each day after 7 months of nonstop working was the highlight. lots of sick teachers and kids, three fathers passed away within our collective body and just a general wear and tear. is this what it looks like to work in ministry? the stark thing i see missing is that inner joy, inner strength that gets renewed...as corinthians reminds us, we do not distress because though we are wasting away outwardly, inwardly we are being renewed everyday. that became my daily anthem the last month and a half of school...because it's a promise, even though i don't believe it and therefore don't experience it. let's be honest. obviously i want that to be true and i want to believe it. but can i really say, YES! i am being renewed inwardly even though i feel downright awful in the physical? mentally and spiritually drained? nope. my faith is teensy tiny in that aspect. and because if i am really honest, i just like doing it on my own strength. and i KNOW that's why i just get run into the ground. it's hard for me to understand what it really means to rest in Him, to rely on Him for my strength, to let the Spirit work through me and back me up. The few times He has done it, it's exhilirating and exciting, not overwhelming and exhausting. So how does your typical type A driven perfectionist learn to not lean on her own understanding? to really rest in His ability, His working in her? TO trust rather than worry? i don't really know. there are patterns of thought and habit that have to change. and in the end, all i really know is that i can't change myself (that'd kinda be defeating the whole point now wouldn't it?) but i do know that His word says ask and it shall be given, seek and it shall be found, knock and it will be opened to you. so i'm asking, seeking, knocking and trusting that He who started this work will see it out...and that, more than anything, is refreshing. all that to say, there's some decisions to be made...a fork in the road where i thought there was just a logical one way camino. but since it's presented itself, we have to evaluate, seek and wait. and you know how much i love waiting...and though nicaragua has definitely tempered my patience, it has not cured me of anxious heart syndrome. so your prayers as we feel our way out in this would be appreciated.

it´s official...

I´m going stateside for semana santa!!! Big shout out to Patty...infinite thanks :)

Into Wichita Monday April 2nd at 8:24, back to Nicaragua Monday April 9th at 9:05 pm.

Let me know if we can see each other!!!!!!!

marchin' on

leaving for panama in less than 48 hours. what began as faltering speeches and incoherent investigations has become 10 polished and poised students, armed with knowledge and comfortable in speaking their mind, defending their points. and the most beautiful thing? each and every one of them wants to do this well, this secular, politcial, intelligent thing, to honor the One who made them. to show, as one student said, that Christians do have knowledge and have something to offer.

i just hope that desire really is sincere and heartfelt, because if it is? what an honor to be their advisor, to support them in this experience. for those who don't know what HACIA is, you can check it out here. it really is a neat opportunity and i'm thrilled i've gotten to prepare these students to participate. plus i've never been to Panama, so this should be interesting.

i am a little uncertain of leaving my husband just two weeks after his brother's accident and death. there's been a vulnerability, a fragility to our house these days and i wish i could just stay here in the midst of that, accompany him. but we know we are never alone.

over and over and over again i'm hearing 'rest'. 'don't work so much'. 'invest in people not tasks'. i'm hearing it. i'm getting it... still trying to figure out how to make it actually happen. hoping that the return from Panama will allow this to happen.

and there's something very exciting on the horizon, something promising. not wanting to share it yet in case things fall through, but i'm excited. (NO I'M NOT PREGNANT. for reals.)

a starved imagination

God has a way of weaving oswald chambers words' into my everyday circumstances...just fit right in there. this morning i was reading these last few days entries in my utmost for his highest...and this line just stopped me.
"The starvation of the imagination is one of the most fruitful sources of exhaustion and sapping in a worker's life..."

he spends several days discussiing this, how the Israelites starved their imagination looking into the faces of idols, taking isaiah 40 as his base.

and i'm sliced through, seeing how these everyday demands keep my eyes down here, instead of pondering His face. how i look at my own hands and panic, instead of taking joy in the strength in His. how i cringe as my heart empties out once again, forgetting that His love is continually flowing, always just a spark away.

i've been so worn-out. and yet chambers again doesn't find this impressive...we are expected to be poured out, broken as an offering. this is what we are called to. the issue comes when we don't let that pouring out come from the source, but from our pitiful broken cisterns.

it's a matter of will, not emotion. it's a choice, to look up, to activate, to remember.

and as simple as that, there's a spark of color, a flash of light. a joy bubbling up. a peace. a perfect moment in a sunny corner, hearing your husband share the GLORY of Jesus with a young man on the street. a rolling in that deep place as i explore new music (to me hah). an easing into restfulness, though busy.

i love how He loves me. how He reminds me, beckons me, asks me to come again and again. how lovely and merciful is He!

may i reflect THIS. His love, His mercy, His plans..."This abandon to the love of Christ is the one thing that bears fruit in the life, and it will always leave the impression of the holiness and of the power of God, never of our personal holiness." Chambers. may it be so.

2012

hello. just stepped out of the time black hole that is end of the school year, vacations (prepping for new year) and beginning of a new school year. is it really almost february?

some highlights:

-growing elementary school...more responsibility, more blessing.
-sewing project off and running...still learning a lot.
-driving! a stick shift! in managua!! (this is nothing short of a miracle)
-slow mending within broken relationships. slow going, but evident.
-deepening friendships.
-accepted into Grad school...offered a grant...but not enough to cover all costs. not going to study right now. at peace with this decision. a wise decision.
-HACIA only 38 days away...will we be ready???
-experiencing homesickness, four years in. odd and hard to define at times.
-seeing the beginning of an end and not sure how i feel about that.
-making some serious habit changes...a slow road but i know it will be worth it at all.

where have you all been these last three months?

TGIO

thank God it's October...because that means September is OVER. what a month.

a move, a new project, bi-weekly meetings, patriotic festivals, reading festival, multiplication competition, reading competition, 100s of papers graded, finish of a block, teacher meetings and workshops...

i'm worn down. and when i was at my most tired point, i heard this message...about coming to Him to find rest.

so simple. something i already knew. but wasn't actually practicing. i go to food, to the office, to a book, to music, to whatever else....because i can see it, i can feel it...and in my mind, it was the automatic answer...ah yes, what i need is to sleep and watch the office and drink Dr Pepper and eat chips and cream cheese + salsa...that will totally make me feel rested. Anyone surprised that i felt more tired after all that??

because what's really going on, even beyond the physical exhaustion of being so busy, is a soul weariness...for all the deeper things that have been transpiring. and i can't say i've really taken time to look into that...cus i don't want to. it's more fun to laugh at dwight and slurp soda. but it's not effective.

so, little by little, i'm coming. i'm going to Him first, not after all the other junk. i'm trusting that He will give me rest...even though it seems impossible.

and you know what? He has :)little by little i'm seeing that promise take root in my life...and i want to see it grow.

in other news, i'm going to participate in a 5K next Sunday for cancer research...just found out about it, and no i have not been training. the winner of the race gets a free trip to the US!! I was so motivated when i set out to run today, oh yea, i'm totally going to win this with my WILLPOWER...that lasted about 2 laps around the soccer field. well. probably won't win. and probably won't run the whole way. but i'll participate!

now i'm off to clean, wash laundry and find some rest. happy october people.

dawdling

i could blame this lack of a post on the dead battery/charger for my dell laptop. which does have a certain weight, but the reality is that i´ve been avoiding this post for a while. because it´s uncomfortable. and i´m not sure how to do it. so i´ve been dawdling.

but i´ve found that just dealing with the truth as soon as you can is much more effective than letting it hide.

how do you talk about leaving a church and why you left it WITHOUT saying things that will inevitably be harmful to the people inside the church? doesn´t matter that they don´t even read my blog nor do they speak English...but for integrity´s sake.

i kind of think that you can´t. and it´s what makes this all so much more awful...because he believes that i would do that. not in a blog necessarily, but that i would go around running my mouth to harm and bring him down. *sigh*

how do you be a part of a church where your race is what defines you (not by choice but by others´perception) and not who you are as a daughter of the King? how do you walk in your abilities and in community if they do not appreciate or trust those abilities, based on false pretexts? What do you do when if you stay, you die spiritually and if you go, you are shunned? how do you face the reality that what you believed to be an intimate, trusting, respectful friendship is actually not that at all?

how do you react in love and forgiveness when someone smears your character in front of everyone?

11 Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. 12 Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you. [Matthew 5: 11 - 12]

i feel like i´m exaggerating to put that up there...like what i´m passing through is anything like the persecution He experienced. but it reminds me, that if in a tiny teeny little way this is happening, i am blessed. and i have no reason to get all caught up in it, to get hurt and brought down...why give more fuel to something i stepped out of??? why let it continue to affect me at all??


so we move forward. we give thanks for the little things...the little congregation that has received us, the little moments of acceptance to be who He has made me to be, the little freedoms to walk in what i feel He has called me to walk.

so rejoice with me friends...pray with me for healing, for kindness, for repentance, for reconcilliation.

let us TRUST Him to do the work.

snap crackle pop

i feel like doing a little list to share with you all, as i find that sometimes they communicate what i'm thinking just a little bit better.

- i LOVE teacher workshops - that is, i love giving them. i had the opportunity to lead a teacher workshop on developing a biblically integrated computer curriculum and it was so vibrant to see these teachers meld their ideas together to create one common goal, to see them work diligently together and change their ideas. LOVE it. and got invited back for the 30th, so i guess to some degree they loved it too :).

- i don't particularly like being in teacher workshops because they tend to be tedious and sometimes irrelevant...like today's. BUT it did allow me some space, some time to enjoy my lunch (only ONE parent interruption)with some quality people.

- my life is exhausting. and yet i'm grateful for what i'm doing. win-win?

- yes, i'm baking cookies that i will consume today, even though it's 10:40 pm, BECAUSE i have tomorrow off (thanks Saint Domingo) and i've got Harry Potter 4 in Spanish and the Office season 2 waiting to entertain me.

- i am really enjoying these growing tendrils of community: two couples that we make dinners with, a new bible study, a girl next door. so glad.

- sometimes the most beautiful thing we can do is be compassionate with someone...take that moment to really hear them, to speak into their lives, to just love them where they are at...i want to be this all the time, and not just in blips here and there.

- no GREAT things, only small things with GREAT love....mother teresa.

- umm, if you have the capability you should totally go to this...and you should look for her and her...HOW I WISH I COULD GO! should be just amazing.

- let's go lower and lower and lower and weaker and weaker and weaker so HE may be LIFTED UP and show His STRENGTH...amen.

- totally miss my walking buddies. and the KSU gym. and the energy/time to keep up with beachbody insanity.

- wish i could have permanent vacation....if only i didn't love my job so much!

- sometimes i forget i'm an introvert...and after 11 hours of PEOPLE and all that entails, i just want to hide. but praise God for always giving enough. (wouldn't do to be cranky with parents, teachers, students, etc)

- did you know that I love you? that i think of you and pray for you and bless you? that i'm deeply interested in what you are doing and going through? it's true. remember that :)


Ya no la quiero, es cierto, pero tal vez la quiero.
Es tan corto el amor, y es tan largo el olvido.

Porque en noches como ésta la tuve entre mis brazos,
mi alma no se contenta con haberla perdido.

Aunque éste sea el último dolor que ella me causa,
y éstos sean los últimos versos que yo le escribo.

[Pablo Neruda, Poema 20]shared by one of my students on facebook, followed by his 'ori-genial' poem...LOVE that i get to be a part of this creative blossoming.

winding

"man was God ever smart to not let us be in control.

as i'm passing through this pressing that i described, i have experienced this up and down and all around thought train that leaves me dizzy. one minute, i feel completely confident in my actions and my stance and the next i am POSITIVE that i am the cause of all this, that i am the one who is completely off her rocker.

it makes it difficult to know if one is doing the right thing."

this was written about a week ago and left hanging. but i want to share with you a Word that particularly gave me freedom and peace...i have bolded those that particularly reached my raw heart.

Psalm 31[a]

For the director of music. A psalm of David.
1 In you, LORD, I have taken refuge;
let me never be put to shame;
deliver me in your righteousness.
2 Turn your ear to me,
come quickly to my rescue;
be my rock of refuge,
a strong fortress to save me.
3 Since you are my rock and my fortress,
for the sake of your name lead and guide me.
4 Keep me free from the trap that is set for me,
for you are my refuge.
5 Into your hands I commit my spirit;
deliver me, LORD, my faithful God.

6 I hate those who cling to worthless idols;
as for me, I trust in the LORD.
7 I will be glad and rejoice in your love,
for you saw my affliction
and knew the anguish of my soul.
8 You have not given me into the hands of the enemy
but have set my feet in a spacious place.

9 Be merciful to me, LORD, for I am in distress;
my eyes grow weak with sorrow,
my soul and body with grief.
10 My life is consumed by anguish
and my years by groaning;
my strength fails because of my affliction,[b]
and my bones grow weak.
11 Because of all my enemies,
I am the utter contempt of my neighbors
and an object of dread to my closest friends—
those who see me on the street flee from me.
12 I am forgotten as though I were dead;
I have become like broken pottery.
13 For I hear many whispering,
“Terror on every side!”
They conspire against me
and plot to take my life.

14 But I trust in you, LORD;
I say, “You are my God.”
15 My times are in your hands;
deliver me from the hands of my enemies,
from those who pursue me.
16 Let your face shine on your servant;
save me in your unfailing love.
17 Let me not be put to shame, LORD,
for I have cried out to you;
but let the wicked be put to shame
and be silent in the realm of the dead.
18 Let their lying lips be silenced,
for with pride and contempt
they speak arrogantly against the righteous.

19 How abundant are the good things
that you have stored up for those who fear you,
that you bestow in the sight of all,
on those who take refuge in you.
20 In the shelter of your presence you hide them
from all human intrigues;
you keep them safe in your dwelling
from accusing tongues.

21 Praise be to the LORD,
for he showed me the wonders of his love
when I was in a city under siege.
22 In my alarm I said,
“I am cut off from your sight!”
Yet you heard my cry for mercy
when I called to you for help.

23 Love the LORD, all his faithful people!
The LORD preserves those who are true to him,
but the proud he pays back in full.
24 Be strong and take heart,
all you who hope in the LORD.

Thank you Lord.

i left my church today. the church that has been my home since i came to El Crucero.

it's heartwrenching and sad, and yet hopeful...because He has saved me, called me out into something bigger.

please pray for this transition, for the church i'm leaving behind and the church I'm joining. for lying lips to be silenced, for odious spirits to be tied up and sent away. let there be freedom and reconciliation.

i can't even begin to express how good it feels to be able to BREATHE.

pressed but not crushed

i enjoy a good crisp white wine with supper. i adore that Jesus busted out the best wine at the end of a wedding feast. and i love the idea of wine being crushed or pressed out of grapes. it reminds me of the hope that something rich and good can come out of a hard and painful process.

there isn't a way to simply express the heaviness, the weight of this pressing like the wine press that slowly threshes the juice from yielding skins. i feel that weight, and like those grapes i feel like my very essence is dripping away. it's exhausting. to think that i really believed in change, that i really trusted that they too were taking the journey of forgiveness and humility. that we were really walking towards restoration. that the wine press had been put away.

and yet here we are. suddenly i find myself squeezed again, right back where i was before and surprised, because it's not what i expected.

before, wine was made by crushing the grapes with harvest dances. as wine making advanced, they began to make presses to improve sanitary conditions but also to improve the overall quality of the wine. it becomes richer, lasts longer and even reduces the need for the winemaker to use preservatives. pressed, and not crushed leads to a better final product.

did you catch that? richer. longer. less preservatives. better final product. sounds like how i'd want to describe my journey, my spiritual life.

so i stop letting this latest press freak me out. i stop struggling against it, as if i could stop it or change it. instead, i yield, trusting the Winemaker to take the sorrow and hurt and longing that is poured out and turn it into something that blesses.