hospitality

the cycle of giving and receiving is something i have always been interested in, how it works, how one end affects the other, how expectations and circumstances can warp it...etc. i am a person that enjoys giving, from small to big, in all variety of forms. be it actual gifts, or sharing of resources, or giving of time or money or compassion...there is something in me that God has called out to give...because i believe that the things i have, that anyone has, are simply God's things, and He just chose to give you whatever portion you have so you can manage it. The fun part is seeing how when you use what He's given to bless and support and encourage you find all sorts of delights pouring back in.

living in Nicaragua has changed this a bit. not the desire, but the form in which i express it. and it has taught me how to receive, and graciously. (this i believe to be very important...its extremely uncomfortable to give to someone unwilling to receive). at first, it was embarrassing...humbling, actually, in the midst of a humbling time. and it made me take a look into my reservations about receiving.

in the end, it's this: we all need to receive. and we all need to give. and my husband and i have learned to trust the Lord's provision, always knowing He will meet our needs and obeying when we feel we are to be a part of meeting another's needs.

but this receiving became a deeper thing for me on our trip to the states. the hospitality, generosity and giving in general was a salve to places i didn't know were raw. we were received into a home where the family is struggling through a time of illness, and yet we felt like celebrated guests, made comfortable by each member of the family, all when they could have shut their doors and said, right now we just don't have anything to give.we entered into my home and received there like we had never left, like my husband had always been a son, complete with good talks and great food and precious prayer. we had numerous people invite us to eat a meal, covering the expenses because it was more important to them that we enjoy our time together in sharing life than worry about a few extra dollars. we were received in many a home with hugs and delighted smiles and accepting hearts. we were welcomed into a diverse church and a home, all because we are family in Him. we were carted around Chicago by various people and welcomed into an acquaintance's home, only to leave as friends and truly bound as brothers and sisters. we were given space and invitation into a community, allowing us to see how they strive to live out the gospel together, in all its drafty, messy, interesting and diverse glory. we were given monetary gifts like you wouldn't believe...not because of their quantiy but how they were always quietly given at just the right moment.

what i see in all this is the immense love of my Papa for two of His kids...and how He works through His body to do it. do you ever stop and wonder how your giving (in any shape or form) allows Him to meet His beloved's needs? or how if you don't, that it might hinder? certainly God always finds a way, remember the lilies and sparrows, but wouldn't you like to be a part of that holy giving? i know i do.

i want to thank you, brothers and sisters, who made us feel so welcome, loved, cherished and cared for in our time stateside. your support and prayers and time mean so much to us, and on a very personal note, i so appreciate how you all made my husband feel. i can't thank you enough.

He is always good.

let it snow!

there is just nothing as cool as seeing my husband marvel at snow for the first time…nor is there anything as aggravating as when he sneaks inside and locks me out to be funny. grr.

a rant(ito)

i have many thoughts and opinions that have sprouted up from being in the unique position of living in a foreign country and acculturating(think salad bowl ESL metaphor) into that foreign country but being witness to my native country`s deeds within said foreign country.and i have something to say.

i think its important to ask why and how a person comes into an impoverished country. many people have already formed this answer and often have the general how answered as well. and it usually sounds really good, polished and able to bring in donations. most of the time it is well thought out and usually focused on the people..but i have a few more questions i`d like to ask, specifically for the missionaries in, or coming to, Nicaragua.

am i positive that my mission or project i am coming to complete is not already being done by local people that i might support instead?

how can i hope to meet needs of people i cant communicate with nor understand where they come from?

why, knowing that the country i work in has high unemployment, would i not include several salaries for native people in my budget?

why do i choose to enforce my cultural norms and ideals upon the people i work with rather than try to learn and understand and work within theirs?

do i really think i have all the ability to make a difference, and that i don`t need and cherish the input and support of my native counterparts?

am i doing this project honestly and for the people`s benefit, or because it makes me look good with my various groups at home?

are my motives pure in the application of my project? is it something the people really need and want and will support?

can this project survive without me? and if the answer is no, how will i change that?

is the underlying attitude and nuances of every action Love?

i`m realizing as i write this out, im a bit bitter. i am frustrated by the uncomfortable situation we find ourselves in when good people want to do a good thing...but haven`t thought it out completely. im tired of getting angry over culture clashes and attitudes about money and work ethic and education, and im sad at seeing all the loose ends and not knowing how to fix them. im burdened by the lack of vibrant Christian local men and women ready to serve and bearing the burden with the few that do and are always called on to do all of the service/projects/quehaceres. im curious about my own culture, and how we let it so easily shape our Christianity into something that isn`t necessarily Truth.

i certainly do not have all the answers, and recognize that many of those aforementioned questions are uncomfortable and slightly accusing (hence the first person form, its always better to ask yourself the tough questions first before you go slinging them at someone else). Being of my own culture, I understand it and can imagine every angle of defense one might have in response...and I just say, we have to be Christians (little Christs), not American or Nicaraguan or Republican or Socialist or Rich or Poor or Good or Bad....He is the only thing that defines us, being that in His image and for His good purpose we were made, and I can`t make excuses for not living as He calls...not for my culture, nor my economic status, nor my project goals and objectives.

disclaimer: this is a GENERAL rant, and not directed at a specific group or person...just a stream of thought gathered from being part of and observing many different ministries here in Nicaragua...most of which are making a positive impact.

jumbled

i come stateside/home? in 10 days. i have not really begun to think about it for lack of time, but its kind of freaking me out. its hard to convey why, but it is.

i was hoping to draw out some threads of thoughts through blogging, because it often prompts a lucid moment or two, but the skipping between the two languages this evening through work has left me blank, so i`ll leave it at this.

i`m thankful that no matter how tightly wound and knotted life seems to get or my emotions or the powers that be, He is always there, ever patient and available to help me out.

its like the kid in maniac magee that undoes that huge crusty knot and wins a pizza or something. and the best thing is that Jesus shares, even when I didn`t earn it.

form

i realized yesterday what it is exactly that draws me to teaching, that gives it such weight and importance. no, it didnt come from seeing chubby fingers grip a broken crayon to scrawl their name, nor a flashy smile from the ornery 4th grader, nor the pleasure of listening to a child forging reading skills not only in spanish but in english (though those are some highlights)...it came from a late night conversation with some of the clinic team members, who include my husband, my brother-in-law and pastor and a friend. it happened rather impromptu, just a quick chat after feeding their four kiddos homemade pizza and jello...as we discussed some happenings from the week, there rose again our vision, the vision to form and heal integrally, to raise up and teach. and there it is. teaching is not just a set of questions or themes to learn, nor a curriculum you have to finish. it is the opportunity and responsibility to help form people. its the reality that the way i react to a child`s misbehavior has a direct impact on their values, formation and understanding of how the world works. that everytime i explain to G. in kinder that he may not hit his classmates because it hurts them, and that is not what Jesus wants from us, nor what we were made to do, im planting seeds of peace and kindness where neglect and busyness have allowed the weeds of sadness and loneliness to cover his heart. that when i smile and talk with a student about their accomplishments, how God has given them talents and has a plan for those talents, there`s the opportunity to support a beautiful work beginning. that when poverty, the heavyhanded teacher, leaves a child ungrateful and sour, I can look for grace and patience to redirect this student, to teach her gratitude and the goodness of the Lord.and this applies to adults, teens and children, all of my fellow brothers and sisters. to teach obedience and love and respect...because if they aren`t able to respect and obey and love me, whom they see, how will they learn to obey and respect and love Him, whom they don`t?

it`s a terrifying and thrillingly satisfying realization all at the same time.

8 days, 5 exams, 1 conference, 3 graduations, 8 send-off letters, and many many moments until the end of my first full year of teaching, in Nicaragua Christian Academy. What a ride.

rewind

for some fun...because i felt a bit disoriented today...I started looking back through some old posts. and its just odd. its me, of course, but a different me, and it makes me wonder if i lost her or she didn´t learn Spanish or she`s just curled up in the back of the Nica survival kit, but it just feels weird reading that stuff, remembering the ways I saw and thought and processed. And the type of stress I lived under...its just very different now.

life here, well...my life submerged in the academy, clinic, marriage...is just barer.

bit nervous about that.

im looking forward to coming home in December and sharing that life there with Moi..and getting some seriously quality books and conversations.

i know this is not a bad thing...just realizing this work He started in me is not as...plush...as I had once imagined.

morning

i can`t explain how much i love mornings without demands...at least the illusion that there are no demands. we came back from La Batea last night, visiting the family as we will be stateside come Christmas, and I got to sleep in as the hot sun pierced through the palm leaves onto my pillow. I like this time because I can pretend that I have free time and that I have the space to think and dream and evaluate and consider and be thankful. Some thoughts from this morning.
-there is nothing sweeter than His presence. nothing.

-family is a precious thing that makes your eyes water and heart clench when you have to leave them, yet i am thankful for those emotions and the fact that i have those people that make me feel this way, now in two countries.

-a lack of vision is a sad thing to behold...so many tiny towns here in nicaragua are awash with alcoholism, drugs, laziness and lack of hope, due to many factors, but mostly lack of Christ and His Spirit.

-i miss good conversations in english. in spanish, they are good, but i miss the fluidity that i have in english.

-i love reading, and desperately need new books...the ones i have i am beginning to think of as friends, and i am not certain that is a good thing :)

-sugar coated cereal is the best way to wake up...even if its unhealthy (sorry Steph) (this is not entirely true, as i really enjoy scrambled eggs with bell pepper and onions and cheese and toast and lots of fruit with coffee, but the reality is there`s usually no time for that, so cereal becomes the best.)