it had been a long time since i had felt that squeezing that comes with loneliness, panic and lost footing. and when i found myself in the middle of it once more, it was rather stunning. and scary.
i don't think there's anyone in this world who is immune to this...no matter your level of faith or church attendance or whatever. and for those who feel the need to fling verses at me to tell me the contrary...just hold it for a moment. i think about Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane and i just KNOW that He knows what I am talking about. This life, this world is just full of things that will sweep you off your feet. and the emotions and thoughts that spring forth from those things can be paralyzing. and yet we can choose to say not mine, but Yours be done. and that makes all the difference.
so i'm thinking all of this in the wake of this overwhelming sense of 'what the... are we doing..." there are certain realities that we have to face, certain plans we want to make but that just aren't possible right now and things like where we will be in 5 years and when we are going to have a kid that demand answers...which i just can't find right now. all that, in the midst of just some dry community time, brought on that suffocation that knocked me down and threatened me with despair.
but life goes on. i didn't fade away into blackness or lose my mind. i just got up, wiped my eyes and kept going. if nothing else, it reminded me of my need of His Spirit to keep me going, to help me endure...to count it all joy. and in the end, to remember, this is a race we are running...and many of things that wanted to steal my peace are things that are far off in the horizon...nothing is in the here and now.
so we keep going. we keep hoping. we choose to be surprised, to be grateful. we choose to love, to serve. and we choose to wait.
so here's to making good choices, even if they seem to be the same ones over and over again, even if it seems we are in the same place we were yesterday. to say once again...not mine, but Yours be done Jesus.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Friday, April 1, 2011
happy dance
it's finally here....after three weeks of waiting, the annual women's retreat is here...my first time to go, but i am beyond thrilled to spend three days in Montelimar beach!!!!
with all the things that i've been seeing, i'm just so glad to be able to take a time-out...to get away, be with my Papa and rest. thank you Jesus.
"Come to me, those who are weary and heavy-ladened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matt 11:28-30
with all the things that i've been seeing, i'm just so glad to be able to take a time-out...to get away, be with my Papa and rest. thank you Jesus.
"Come to me, those who are weary and heavy-ladened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matt 11:28-30
Friday, March 25, 2011
at the beginning of this season, i thought the world was really just going bad. that in some exaggerated way, the human race was just sliding down, down, down. but i realize that is not the case, rather i am just seeing a bit deeper into our reality, the reality we've all lived in since that pesky snake convinced our oldest grandmother.
when jeremiah claims the heart is the most deceitful thing, he's absolutely right. we are capable of such malice and evil and manipulation, all in the name of our own glory and control. i have seen things recently from people whom I trusted and respected that horrify me...and then i realize, that could be me. in the middle of my criticism and anger, i realize that its not that particular person, its all of us! any one of us is susceptible to the slippery slope of personal gain, glory, pride, control, power. because in the end, that's the core of the issue...do i do what i want? or will i submit to what He wants?
every day we make choices that go one of those two ways. many people live quite comfortably choosing their way. i've certainly enjoyed my way. but in the end, my way will always end up crashing into someone else's way...and then we have a problem. and most of the time one or both are injured, hurt and betrayed.
but there is the beauty. we can choose His way. we can choose to obey Him...we were even made to walk in His way, being made in His image and likeness. but we were left with a choice...and many of us are poor decision makers.
i've been tempted to despair, to leave, to throw a fit in front of all these nasty things. but i am reminded that my fight is not against my fellow flesh and blood, but powers and principalities...that in the end, have already lost.
so we keep going, we keep hoping, we keep choosing and asking for guideance. and more importantly, we keep loving and we keep forgiving.
i want to tell you about E. he is a student that has come through a lot of family difficulties. he is so very angry, a boiling pot just waiting to overflow...at any moment, the actions or words of those around him echo the hateful things he hears at home and he reacts. we've been talking a lot about self-control, how we are reminded that He has given us a spirit of power, love and self-control...that He has given E this ability, but that he has to choose.
a couple days ago, i'm heating up my lunch when he comes flying into the doorway, sobbing. 'please let me call my mom, i'm leaving,' he screeched. 'i came to find you, i didn't hit, i didn't yell, i came to find you like you said, please let me call my mom.' of course, i wasn't about to let him call his mother, but i got him a chair and got him to take a moment. he promised to take a moment to calm himself down, and i gulped down my lunch hurriedly.
when i come back, he's calm and no longer crying. he tells me what has happened, and the amazing thing was we were able to go and talk to his classmate and he forgave him. he talked about how he knew he was mad, that he needed to calm down...that he was going to leave the school grounds, but changed his mind and came to find me.
i was just floored. His grace, coupled with our obedience, changes us...when we say yes to Him, when we choose to try to go His way, He just takes us all the way. E. is a work in progress...he will continue to have moments like this, and will continue to learn how to control himself. but there it is, reclaiming who he was made to be and not the person he is being persuaded to become. the courage of that 4th grader helps me remember that its possible.
when jeremiah claims the heart is the most deceitful thing, he's absolutely right. we are capable of such malice and evil and manipulation, all in the name of our own glory and control. i have seen things recently from people whom I trusted and respected that horrify me...and then i realize, that could be me. in the middle of my criticism and anger, i realize that its not that particular person, its all of us! any one of us is susceptible to the slippery slope of personal gain, glory, pride, control, power. because in the end, that's the core of the issue...do i do what i want? or will i submit to what He wants?
every day we make choices that go one of those two ways. many people live quite comfortably choosing their way. i've certainly enjoyed my way. but in the end, my way will always end up crashing into someone else's way...and then we have a problem. and most of the time one or both are injured, hurt and betrayed.
but there is the beauty. we can choose His way. we can choose to obey Him...we were even made to walk in His way, being made in His image and likeness. but we were left with a choice...and many of us are poor decision makers.
i've been tempted to despair, to leave, to throw a fit in front of all these nasty things. but i am reminded that my fight is not against my fellow flesh and blood, but powers and principalities...that in the end, have already lost.
so we keep going, we keep hoping, we keep choosing and asking for guideance. and more importantly, we keep loving and we keep forgiving.
i want to tell you about E. he is a student that has come through a lot of family difficulties. he is so very angry, a boiling pot just waiting to overflow...at any moment, the actions or words of those around him echo the hateful things he hears at home and he reacts. we've been talking a lot about self-control, how we are reminded that He has given us a spirit of power, love and self-control...that He has given E this ability, but that he has to choose.
a couple days ago, i'm heating up my lunch when he comes flying into the doorway, sobbing. 'please let me call my mom, i'm leaving,' he screeched. 'i came to find you, i didn't hit, i didn't yell, i came to find you like you said, please let me call my mom.' of course, i wasn't about to let him call his mother, but i got him a chair and got him to take a moment. he promised to take a moment to calm himself down, and i gulped down my lunch hurriedly.
when i come back, he's calm and no longer crying. he tells me what has happened, and the amazing thing was we were able to go and talk to his classmate and he forgave him. he talked about how he knew he was mad, that he needed to calm down...that he was going to leave the school grounds, but changed his mind and came to find me.
i was just floored. His grace, coupled with our obedience, changes us...when we say yes to Him, when we choose to try to go His way, He just takes us all the way. E. is a work in progress...he will continue to have moments like this, and will continue to learn how to control himself. but there it is, reclaiming who he was made to be and not the person he is being persuaded to become. the courage of that 4th grader helps me remember that its possible.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
saura
i've kind of let this thing die...not because i really want to, but because i'm just not sure what to do with it anymore. it's not that i don't have things to share, nor because i absolutely don't have the time to do it...i guess i just don't have a clear purpose for it anymore. doesn't mean it will always be this way, but we're kind of on a break for now.
what can i tell you? i'm now the vice principal of elementary school at NCA Nejapa. it's really a perfect fit, in so many ways. i feel humbled and grateful for this opportunity, something that doesn't necessarily come around that often. what does this mean? well, i'm here in nica at least until 2013, but probably beyond that. i know i'll return stateside for a time at some moment, but i don't have that date in mind yet.
i'm learning to focus on what matters and let the other stuff slip away....why let the negativity of others sink me? we've experienced some difficult things lately, relationships have been damaged and trust has been lost...but in the end, i know that He is in control, and He alone is good, able to restore. so i trust in that.
i feel like this time in many ways is a molding of my character...shaping and teaching and cleaning and restoring...its a slow but forward process, and i'm thankful that the work He has begun He will also finish.
lots of promises on the horizon....reminds me just how much mercy and grace He gives.
looking into a visit stateside in june/july...but those ticket prices just keep rising. we'll see. remember, any of you all is welcome here always ;)
what can i tell you? i'm now the vice principal of elementary school at NCA Nejapa. it's really a perfect fit, in so many ways. i feel humbled and grateful for this opportunity, something that doesn't necessarily come around that often. what does this mean? well, i'm here in nica at least until 2013, but probably beyond that. i know i'll return stateside for a time at some moment, but i don't have that date in mind yet.
i'm learning to focus on what matters and let the other stuff slip away....why let the negativity of others sink me? we've experienced some difficult things lately, relationships have been damaged and trust has been lost...but in the end, i know that He is in control, and He alone is good, able to restore. so i trust in that.
i feel like this time in many ways is a molding of my character...shaping and teaching and cleaning and restoring...its a slow but forward process, and i'm thankful that the work He has begun He will also finish.
lots of promises on the horizon....reminds me just how much mercy and grace He gives.
looking into a visit stateside in june/july...but those ticket prices just keep rising. we'll see. remember, any of you all is welcome here always ;)
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
snippets
i found this in an old sketchbook as i was cleaning yesterday.
dated january 7th, 2007.
"I am always at home in Jesus. always. if i feel outside or alone or NOT at home, it's because somewhere along the line i chose to walk out the door. turn on the oven, open the curtains, i'm coming home. i'm here to stay and i wanna bring whoever i can home with me."
it's good to be reminded.
about my last post: the thing that is hitting about these women's lives is NOT the work they are doing, although that's what i thought at first, but their HEARTS. "there are no great things, only small things with great love." -mother theresa.
i want to memorize psalm 103 in spanish...there's a resonance with what its saying and this time i'm in.
an old poem:
a love that silences
turmoil
despair
insanity
a sweetness few perceive
bitter on the tongue of selfish men
yet richest of fare to the gutter's friend
which am i? do we choose?
may i don the beggar's cloth
if it be the way
to the divine love feast.
what are some things that are resonating in you today?
dated january 7th, 2007.
"I am always at home in Jesus. always. if i feel outside or alone or NOT at home, it's because somewhere along the line i chose to walk out the door. turn on the oven, open the curtains, i'm coming home. i'm here to stay and i wanna bring whoever i can home with me."
it's good to be reminded.
about my last post: the thing that is hitting about these women's lives is NOT the work they are doing, although that's what i thought at first, but their HEARTS. "there are no great things, only small things with great love." -mother theresa.
i want to memorize psalm 103 in spanish...there's a resonance with what its saying and this time i'm in.
an old poem:
a love that silences
turmoil
despair
insanity
a sweetness few perceive
bitter on the tongue of selfish men
yet richest of fare to the gutter's friend
which am i? do we choose?
may i don the beggar's cloth
if it be the way
to the divine love feast.
what are some things that are resonating in you today?
Monday, December 13, 2010
this sister, or more correctly, the Jesus reflected in her life, is rocking my world. completely.
so is this draw to be taking care of those sweet ones in the MQV orphanage. and Amy Carmichael's story.
the same story that was washing over me 7 years ago is coming back, stronger and plainer and bigger.
and i feel like i'm just observing, just waiting. what am i supposed to do with all this?
i guess we'll just have to wait and see.
so is this draw to be taking care of those sweet ones in the MQV orphanage. and Amy Carmichael's story.
the same story that was washing over me 7 years ago is coming back, stronger and plainer and bigger.
and i feel like i'm just observing, just waiting. what am i supposed to do with all this?
i guess we'll just have to wait and see.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
a reminder
He who loves his father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me; and he who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me. And he who does not take his cross and follow after Me is not worthy of Me. - Matthew 10:37-38
And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sister or father or mother or children or farms for My Name's sake, will receive many times as much, and will inhereit eternal life. - Matt 19:29
And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect. - Romans 12:2
The preciseness and sheer exactness of His will and His plan continues to blow me away. Lots of shifting and changing happening, staggering in the starkness of positive and negatives. And I wait in the middle of it all, grasping for the way, the path, His will. there is so much of me that wants to figure it out for myself, make a plan, write it down, put it into my manageable box. and yet in the same moment afraid to make a wrong step. And then as I'm thrashing around, He just smiles and reminds me of what He had already shown me. As if there was any question or doubt. And there comes the peace.
More concrete details on this will be coming soon...thank you to those who have been praying.
And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sister or father or mother or children or farms for My Name's sake, will receive many times as much, and will inhereit eternal life. - Matt 19:29
And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect. - Romans 12:2
The preciseness and sheer exactness of His will and His plan continues to blow me away. Lots of shifting and changing happening, staggering in the starkness of positive and negatives. And I wait in the middle of it all, grasping for the way, the path, His will. there is so much of me that wants to figure it out for myself, make a plan, write it down, put it into my manageable box. and yet in the same moment afraid to make a wrong step. And then as I'm thrashing around, He just smiles and reminds me of what He had already shown me. As if there was any question or doubt. And there comes the peace.
More concrete details on this will be coming soon...thank you to those who have been praying.
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