anthem

a starved imagination

2012-02-11T22:05:00.002-06:00

God has a way of weaving oswald chambers words' into my everyday circumstances...just fit right in there. this morning i was reading these last few days entries in my utmost for his highest...and this line just stopped me.
"The starvation of the imagination is one of the most fruitful sources of exhaustion and sapping in a worker's life..."

he spends several days discussiing this, how the Israelites starved their imagination looking into the faces of idols, taking isaiah 40 as his base.

and i'm sliced through, seeing how these everyday demands keep my eyes down here, instead of pondering His face. how i look at my own hands and panic, instead of taking joy in the strength in His. how i cringe as my heart empties out once again, forgetting that His love is continually flowing, always just a spark away.

i've been so worn-out. and yet chambers again doesn't find this impressive...we are expected to be poured out, broken as an offering. this is what we are called to. the issue comes when we don't let that pouring out come from the source, but from our pitiful broken cisterns.

it's a matter of will, not emotion. it's a choice, to look up, to activate, to remember.

and as simple as that, there's a spark of color, a flash of light. a joy bubbling up. a peace. a perfect moment in a sunny corner, hearing your husband share the GLORY of Jesus with a young man on the street. a rolling in that deep place as i explore new music (to me hah). an easing into restfulness, though busy.

i love how He loves me. how He reminds me, beckons me, asks me to come again and again. how lovely and merciful is He!

may i reflect THIS. His love, His mercy, His plans..."This abandon to the love of Christ is the one thing that bears fruit in the life, and it will always leave the impression of the holiness and of the power of God, never of our personal holiness." Chambers. may it be so.

2012

2012-01-29T18:40:00.002-06:00

hello. just stepped out of the time black hole that is end of the school year, vacations (prepping for new year) and beginning of a new school year. is it really almost february?

some highlights:

-growing elementary school...more responsibility, more blessing.
-sewing project off and running...still learning a lot.
-driving! a stick shift! in managua!! (this is nothing short of a miracle)
-slow mending within broken relationships. slow going, but evident.
-deepening friendships.
-accepted into Grad school...offered a grant...but not enough to cover all costs. not going to study right now. at peace with this decision. a wise decision.
-HACIA only 38 days away...will we be ready???
-experiencing homesickness, four years in. odd and hard to define at times.
-seeing the beginning of an end and not sure how i feel about that.
-making some serious habit changes...a slow road but i know it will be worth it at all.

where have you all been these last three months?

TGIO

2011-10-08T09:39:00.002-05:00

thank God it's October...because that means September is OVER. what a month.

a move, a new project, bi-weekly meetings, patriotic festivals, reading festival, multiplication competition, reading competition, 100s of papers graded, finish of a block, teacher meetings and workshops...

i'm worn down. and when i was at my most tired point, i heard this message...about coming to Him to find rest.

so simple. something i already knew. but wasn't actually practicing. i go to food, to the office, to a book, to music, to whatever else....because i can see it, i can feel it...and in my mind, it was the automatic answer...ah yes, what i need is to sleep and watch the office and drink Dr Pepper and eat chips and cream cheese + salsa...that will totally make me feel rested. Anyone surprised that i felt more tired after all that??

because what's really going on, even beyond the physical exhaustion of being so busy, is a soul weariness...for all the deeper things that have been transpiring. and i can't say i've really taken time to look into that...cus i don't want to. it's more fun to laugh at dwight and slurp soda. but it's not effective.

so, little by little, i'm coming. i'm going to Him first, not after all the other junk. i'm trusting that He will give me rest...even though it seems impossible.

and you know what? He has :)little by little i'm seeing that promise take root in my life...and i want to see it grow.

in other news, i'm going to participate in a 5K next Sunday for cancer research...just found out about it, and no i have not been training. the winner of the race gets a free trip to the US!! I was so motivated when i set out to run today, oh yea, i'm totally going to win this with my WILLPOWER...that lasted about 2 laps around the soccer field. well. probably won't win. and probably won't run the whole way. but i'll participate!

now i'm off to clean, wash laundry and find some rest. happy october people.

dawdling

2011-09-05T13:30:00.002-05:00

i could blame this lack of a post on the dead battery/charger for my dell laptop. which does have a certain weight, but the reality is that i´ve been avoiding this post for a while. because it´s uncomfortable. and i´m not sure how to do it. so i´ve been dawdling.

but i´ve found that just dealing with the truth as soon as you can is much more effective than letting it hide.

how do you talk about leaving a church and why you left it WITHOUT saying things that will inevitably be harmful to the people inside the church? doesn´t matter that they don´t even read my blog nor do they speak English...but for integrity´s sake.

i kind of think that you can´t. and it´s what makes this all so much more awful...because he believes that i would do that. not in a blog necessarily, but that i would go around running my mouth to harm and bring him down. *sigh*

how do you be a part of a church where your race is what defines you (not by choice but by others´perception) and not who you are as a daughter of the King? how do you walk in your abilities and in community if they do not appreciate or trust those abilities, based on false pretexts? What do you do when if you stay, you die spiritually and if you go, you are shunned? how do you face the reality that what you believed to be an intimate, trusting, respectful friendship is actually not that at all?

how do you react in love and forgiveness when someone smears your character in front of everyone?

11 Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. 12 Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you. [Matthew 5: 11 - 12]

i feel like i´m exaggerating to put that up there...like what i´m passing through is anything like the persecution He experienced. but it reminds me, that if in a tiny teeny little way this is happening, i am blessed. and i have no reason to get all caught up in it, to get hurt and brought down...why give more fuel to something i stepped out of??? why let it continue to affect me at all??

so we move forward. we give thanks for the little things...the little congregation that has received us, the little moments of acceptance to be who He has made me to be, the little freedoms to walk in what i feel He has called me to walk.

so rejoice with me friends...pray with me for healing, for kindness, for repentance, for reconcilliation.

let us TRUST Him to do the work.

snap crackle pop

2011-08-09T23:35:00.002-05:00

i feel like doing a little list to share with you all, as i find that sometimes they communicate what i'm thinking just a little bit better.

- i LOVE teacher workshops - that is, i love giving them. i had the opportunity to lead a teacher workshop on developing a biblically integrated computer curriculum and it was so vibrant to see these teachers meld their ideas together to create one common goal, to see them work diligently together and change their ideas. LOVE it. and got invited back for the 30th, so i guess to some degree they loved it too :).

- i don't particularly like being in teacher workshops because they tend to be tedious and sometimes irrelevant...like today's. BUT it did allow me some space, some time to enjoy my lunch (only ONE parent interruption)with some quality people.

- my life is exhausting. and yet i'm grateful for what i'm doing. win-win?

- yes, i'm baking cookies that i will consume today, even though it's 10:40 pm, BECAUSE i have tomorrow off (thanks Saint Domingo) and i've got Harry Potter 4 in Spanish and the Office season 2 waiting to entertain me.

- i am really enjoying these growing tendrils of community: two couples that we make dinners with, a new bible study, a girl next door. so glad.

- sometimes the most beautiful thing we can do is be compassionate with someone...take that moment to really hear them, to speak into their lives, to just love them where they are at...i want to be this all the time, and not just in blips here and there.

- no GREAT things, only small things with GREAT love....mother teresa.

- umm, if you have the capability you should totally go to this...and you should look for her and her...HOW I WISH I COULD GO! should be just amazing.

- let's go lower and lower and lower and weaker and weaker and weaker so HE may be LIFTED UP and show His STRENGTH...amen.

- totally miss my walking buddies. and the KSU gym. and the energy/time to keep up with beachbody insanity.

- wish i could have permanent vacation....if only i didn't love my job so much!

- sometimes i forget i'm an introvert...and after 11 hours of PEOPLE and all that entails, i just want to hide. but praise God for always giving enough. (wouldn't do to be cranky with parents, teachers, students, etc)

- did you know that I love you? that i think of you and pray for you and bless you? that i'm deeply interested in what you are doing and going through? it's true. remember that :)

Ya no la quiero, es cierto, pero tal vez la quiero.
Es tan corto el amor, y es tan largo el olvido.

Porque en noches como ésta la tuve entre mis brazos,
mi alma no se contenta con haberla perdido.

Aunque éste sea el último dolor que ella me causa,
y éstos sean los últimos versos que yo le escribo.

[Pablo Neruda, Poema 20]shared by one of my students on facebook, followed by his 'ori-genial' poem...LOVE that i get to be a part of this creative blossoming.

winding

2011-07-23T18:02:00.003-05:00

"man was God ever smart to not let us be in control.

as i'm passing through this pressing that i described, i have experienced this up and down and all around thought train that leaves me dizzy. one minute, i feel completely confident in my actions and my stance and the next i am POSITIVE that i am the cause of all this, that i am the one who is completely off her rocker.

it makes it difficult to know if one is doing the right thing."

this was written about a week ago and left hanging. but i want to share with you a Word that particularly gave me freedom and peace...i have bolded those that particularly reached my raw heart.

Psalm 31[a]

For the director of music. A psalm of David.
1 In you, LORD, I have taken refuge;
let me never be put to shame;
deliver me in your righteousness.
2 Turn your ear to me,
come quickly to my rescue;
be my rock of refuge,
a strong fortress to save me.
3 Since you are my rock and my fortress,
for the sake of your name lead and guide me.
4 Keep me free from the trap that is set for me,
for you are my refuge.
5 Into your hands I commit my spirit;
deliver me, LORD, my faithful God.

6 I hate those who cling to worthless idols;
as for me, I trust in the LORD.
7 I will be glad and rejoice in your love,
for you saw my affliction
and knew the anguish of my soul.
8 You have not given me into the hands of the enemy
but have set my feet in a spacious place.

9 Be merciful to me, LORD, for I am in distress;
my eyes grow weak with sorrow,
my soul and body with grief.
10 My life is consumed by anguish
and my years by groaning;
my strength fails because of my affliction,[b]
and my bones grow weak.
11 Because of all my enemies,
I am the utter contempt of my neighbors
and an object of dread to my closest friends—
those who see me on the street flee from me.
12 I am forgotten as though I were dead;
I have become like broken pottery.
13 For I hear many whispering,
“Terror on every side!”
They conspire against me
and plot to take my life.

14 But I trust in you, LORD;
I say, “You are my God.”
15 My times are in your hands;
deliver me from the hands of my enemies,
from those who pursue me.
16 Let your face shine on your servant;
save me in your unfailing love.
17 Let me not be put to shame, LORD,
for I have cried out to you;
but let the wicked be put to shame
and be silent in the realm of the dead.
18 Let their lying lips be silenced,
for with pride and contempt
they speak arrogantly against the righteous.

19 How abundant are the good things
that you have stored up for those who fear you,
that you bestow in the sight of all,
on those who take refuge in you.
20 In the shelter of your presence you hide them
from all human intrigues;
you keep them safe in your dwelling
from accusing tongues.

21 Praise be to the LORD,
for he showed me the wonders of his love
when I was in a city under siege.
22 In my alarm I said,
“I am cut off from your sight!”
Yet you heard my cry for mercy
when I called to you for help.

23 Love the LORD, all his faithful people!
The LORD preserves those who are true to him,
but the proud he pays back in full.
24 Be strong and take heart,
all you who hope in the LORD.

Thank you Lord.

i left my church today. the church that has been my home since i came to El Crucero.

it's heartwrenching and sad, and yet hopeful...because He has saved me, called me out into something bigger.

please pray for this transition, for the church i'm leaving behind and the church I'm joining. for lying lips to be silenced, for odious spirits to be tied up and sent away. let there be freedom and reconciliation.

i can't even begin to express how good it feels to be able to BREATHE.

pressed but not crushed

2011-07-19T14:37:00.002-05:00

i enjoy a good crisp white wine with supper. i adore that Jesus busted out the best wine at the end of a wedding feast. and i love the idea of wine being crushed or pressed out of grapes. it reminds me of the hope that something rich and good can come out of a hard and painful process.

there isn't a way to simply express the heaviness, the weight of this pressing like the wine press that slowly threshes the juice from yielding skins. i feel that weight, and like those grapes i feel like my very essence is dripping away. it's exhausting. to think that i really believed in change, that i really trusted that they too were taking the journey of forgiveness and humility. that we were really walking towards restoration. that the wine press had been put away.

and yet here we are. suddenly i find myself squeezed again, right back where i was before and surprised, because it's not what i expected.

before, wine was made by crushing the grapes with harvest dances. as wine making advanced, they began to make presses to improve sanitary conditions but also to improve the overall quality of the wine. it becomes richer, lasts longer and even reduces the need for the winemaker to use preservatives. pressed, and not crushed leads to a better final product.

did you catch that? richer. longer. less preservatives. better final product. sounds like how i'd want to describe my journey, my spiritual life.

so i stop letting this latest press freak me out. i stop struggling against it, as if i could stop it or change it. instead, i yield, trusting the Winemaker to take the sorrow and hurt and longing that is poured out and turn it into something that blesses.

flabbergasted

2011-07-11T09:58:00.003-05:00

i'm always blown away by the Lord. meaning my vision of Him is always way smaller than who He is...which keeps me humble. :)

i have two stories i want to share, and they're both sharing the same idea: that God is in control, that God is able, that God has an intricate and beautiful plan...or in general, i need to TRUST the Lord.

the first one involves some Mexicans, a wheelchair and a warm night. anyone want to take a stab at that one??

randomly my husband got called to take a girl to managua and randomly i decided to tag along. then randomly, i didn't want air conditioning so we rolled down the windows. randomly the man in the jeep next to us asked how to get to Costa Rica (a common question in the middle of managua's highways). they start to follow us and my husband decides randomly to talk with them so they don't freak out when they see us winding up the mountain and there are no lights. so we randomly stop at a gas station and realize they are taking a donation from Mexico to Costa Rica to a parapalegic kid and oh yea, they only have a half tank of gas and not one peso (mexican or nicaraguan). so we randomly have 30 cords we can use to pay for their parking at the gas station so they can stay overnight and wait for a money order.

o sea. randomly? i don't think so. as we drove up the hill towards home i just laughed. how is it possible that i can see these intricate weavings in others' lives, and point out how the Lord is totally working it out for them and yet I worry and doubt in my own life? more grace is needed.

and then there's this whole confronting the lies, opening the doors, stepping out thing that i'm doing and i'm just left without words. in the few days after i posted about why i haven't been sharing, i have been invited to speak at three different events. THREE. i haven't taught outside the English classroom since I came to Nicaragua. and all of sudden there are all these new opportunities. there is movement and discussion and it's like a huge wall fell down and i'm exposed.

and it terrifies me...my gut reaction is to hide, to pretend that i don't have time, pretend that i can't because i'm too busy. but that would make me an OBVIOUS hypocrite, which i try to avoid being as much as possible.

so here's to being dazzled, awed, and just plain stunned by my Father who is "able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us."

glory.

listen to what i mean, not necessarily what i say

2011-07-07T21:14:00.005-05:00

so a while back i was complaining to the Lord (and probably anyone who would listen) about how i am really lacking a community here. the aftermath of some really painful stuff left me isolated and left out in my church community. thankfully, through His grace, there has been healing and there is a recuperation that is happening...most of all, there's just some plain ol' obedience. so i know it's gonna get better. but i had just been feeling sad, lonely...missing my sister friends from kansas and those that really KNOW me. you know?

and then i got some pretty sweet skyping.and random dinner invites. and then i started seeing opportunities spring up here, little blips of invitations to participate, to be part of this church community.

would you believe me if i told you i don't want to do any of it?? (except the skyping. that was good. and the dinners. those were delicious)

i know. i KNOW. i can't quite figure it out. but then i thought of Moses. Moses was pretty awesome, breaking up fights and defending his fellow men. and in the middle of this, the Israelites are complaining hardcore because of their bondage. So God came down and in a really outlandish way got Moses' attention, trying to place him as a leader. He even gave him a snakey stick and a leprosy trick and some bloody river water flair to help him 'prove' his 'real-dealness' to the people. to the community he would be entering. but Moses was still like, nah, i can't. so God got pretty mad and then He placed Aaron as his mouth. because in the end, Moses said, Your will be done. 'Please, Lord, now send the message by whomever You will.'

as i have these new chances to be back in my community, i feel resistance. but in the end, i want to say yes to Him. i think i've just gotten comfortable in my little hidey-hole that i carved out in my soul over these past months and i don't really want to come out. too risky, too unknown. and i feel like i can't. like Moses.

i don't expect He'll send me a mouthpiece like Moses (besides, my brother is in kansas and i'm in nicaragua) but i know He'll equip me.

so instead of being anxious and resistant, i'll say yes. i'll get out there, wet my feet a bit. will i mess up? most likely. will i feel uncomfortable? yep. but will it be worth it?

i can only hope so.

what are the difficulties you've encountered in community? how did you overcome?

just saying...

2011-07-05T18:04:00.002-05:00

can i be really honest? i mean, like, beyond what most would be comfortable saying when they're being really sincere?

i don't write here...because i feel invisible. and that it's not worth putting it out there. that it doesn't matter. that what i'm living and doing isn't important.

yep. said it. all of its ugly glory. and those who would rush to say but that's not true! don't say it. it will just feed this ugly lie.

what is the truth? Lamentations says "The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "Therefore I have hope in Him." He is enough. He is what makes this worth it, any of it!

i guess we could call this a refining moment. the layers being peeled back to reveal just another crack in what i like to pretend is perfect. c'mon...everyone likes to think that they're right...we have difficulty saying i screwed up, i have flaws.

what i'm realizing is that this particular belief of mine may very well be silencing something God wants me to do...not because people will read it, not because it will make an impact, not any reason other than He wants me to do it...which means it will be for good.

so i'm gonna ask for more grace. grace upon grace He promises, so i'm gonna take Him at His word. and i'm gonna try to do this. because i feel deeply that its something i'm supposed to be doing...for whatever reason.

so here it goes.

2011-06-04T01:07:00.002-05:00

i'm wound tight, tight, tight. mind and body tensed and tired under this load...the work load,the physical load, the emotional load. even as i type this, my feet and fingers just tap tap tap. partly a break in coke restriction, in an effort to get all this paperwork done...and partly because i didn't run today...but mostly because its just all too much for me.

but not for Him. May sucked, from my perspective. debilitating illness, overly busy at work, death of a precious father, breaking, division, hurt, weariness.

you just want to scream, you know? to just say, enough! this is not good. i don't LIKE this. i don't WANT this.

but i don't even have to put what He says. just look at the cross. the journey to get there. His utter silence before accusers, His grittiness to endure. to keep going...and to do it, trusting in His Father and who He is and His ability to do what He says.

i forget. because all that other stuff kind of pushes its way to the forefront.

but then i'm reminded. by a sister. by that sweet Presence. by a moment, a word, a glance, a squeeze.

so i bend. i kneel. i break apart. because in the end, there's beauty in that brokenness, that offering. a renewal to move forward. and this wonderful awareness of others pain and suddenly just the right word, glance or squeeze that might be comfort to them when their month sucks.

it's worth it. we say yes.

hope that does not shame us

2011-04-30T14:08:00.002-05:00

we are on week two of No Water Experience. as if we signed up for this ;). there are two things that astound me. one, it is unbelieveable how much work and TIME it takes to just get the water a house of two needs...for the very basics, like washing dishes, flushing the toilet, bathing and washing the occasional sock and underwear. and two, its surprising how MUCH water it takes to do those very simple things. all by hand, all done with as much saving as possible...and still, a vast quantity. we come home from work, spend a couple hours getting water, another hour using that water and fall into bed exhausted (not mentioning the everyday responsibilities like dinner making, house cleaning, feeding puppies, cleaning puppies and grading). so today, as we got up at 530 to start it all again, in hopes of washing some clothes too, i just felt this love welling up, this gratefulness. for the fact that this is temporary. for the fact that we have the means to go and get water somewhere (a car to haul it in and various containers to hold it). for the fact i have a husband who works tirelessly alongside me to keep this thing called life going.

now, before you go and thing, wow so deep, she's really in tune with things there in Nicaragua....read Romans 5:4-5. oh yea. it's HIS spirit that pours our HIS love in our hearts...that leads us to inspired love and hope and gratefulness. not sarah. Jesus.

and i LOVE that. it gives us no room to claim anything, no pats on the back, just a simple, let's walk in this that He has given us. and its possible whereever you are, regardless of your circumstances, and it CHANGES your character, your perspective.

i'm off to accompany the kiddos from the orphanage and their 'mama' and some other workers to the beach...let's hope and pray that keeping 17 children under control near the water's edge proves to be easy. yay national workers day that gives us Monday off!!

those pesky stumbling stones

2011-04-19T12:55:00.004-05:00

it had been a long time since i had felt that squeezing that comes with loneliness, panic and lost footing. and when i found myself in the middle of it once more, it was rather stunning. and scary.

i don't think there's anyone in this world who is immune to this...no matter your level of faith or church attendance or whatever. and for those who feel the need to fling verses at me to tell me the contrary...just hold it for a moment. i think about Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane and i just KNOW that He knows what I am talking about. This life, this world is just full of things that will sweep you off your feet. and the emotions and thoughts that spring forth from those things can be paralyzing. and yet we can choose to say not mine, but Yours be done. and that makes all the difference.

so i'm thinking all of this in the wake of this overwhelming sense of 'what the... are we doing..." there are certain realities that we have to face, certain plans we want to make but that just aren't possible right now and things like where we will be in 5 years and when we are going to have a kid that demand answers...which i just can't find right now. all that, in the midst of just some dry community time, brought on that suffocation that knocked me down and threatened me with despair.

but life goes on. i didn't fade away into blackness or lose my mind. i just got up, wiped my eyes and kept going. if nothing else, it reminded me of my need of His Spirit to keep me going, to help me endure...to count it all joy. and in the end, to remember, this is a race we are running...and many of things that wanted to steal my peace are things that are far off in the horizon...nothing is in the here and now.

so we keep going. we keep hoping. we choose to be surprised, to be grateful. we choose to love, to serve. and we choose to wait.

so here's to making good choices, even if they seem to be the same ones over and over again, even if it seems we are in the same place we were yesterday. to say once again...not mine, but Yours be done Jesus.

happy dance

2011-04-01T08:54:00.002-05:00

it's finally here....after three weeks of waiting, the annual women's retreat is here...my first time to go, but i am beyond thrilled to spend three days in Montelimar beach!!!!

with all the things that i've been seeing, i'm just so glad to be able to take a time-out...to get away, be with my Papa and rest. thank you Jesus.

"Come to me, those who are weary and heavy-ladened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matt 11:28-30

2011-03-25T20:46:00.003-05:00

at the beginning of this season, i thought the world was really just going bad. that in some exaggerated way, the human race was just sliding down, down, down. but i realize that is not the case, rather i am just seeing a bit deeper into our reality, the reality we've all lived in since that pesky snake convinced our oldest grandmother.

when jeremiah claims the heart is the most deceitful thing, he's absolutely right. we are capable of such malice and evil and manipulation, all in the name of our own glory and control. i have seen things recently from people whom I trusted and respected that horrify me...and then i realize, that could be me. in the middle of my criticism and anger, i realize that its not that particular person, its all of us! any one of us is susceptible to the slippery slope of personal gain, glory, pride, control, power. because in the end, that's the core of the issue...do i do what i want? or will i submit to what He wants?

every day we make choices that go one of those two ways. many people live quite comfortably choosing their way. i've certainly enjoyed my way. but in the end, my way will always end up crashing into someone else's way...and then we have a problem. and most of the time one or both are injured, hurt and betrayed.

but there is the beauty. we can choose His way. we can choose to obey Him...we were even made to walk in His way, being made in His image and likeness. but we were left with a choice...and many of us are poor decision makers.

i've been tempted to despair, to leave, to throw a fit in front of all these nasty things. but i am reminded that my fight is not against my fellow flesh and blood, but powers and principalities...that in the end, have already lost.

so we keep going, we keep hoping, we keep choosing and asking for guideance. and more importantly, we keep loving and we keep forgiving.

i want to tell you about E. he is a student that has come through a lot of family difficulties. he is so very angry, a boiling pot just waiting to overflow...at any moment, the actions or words of those around him echo the hateful things he hears at home and he reacts. we've been talking a lot about self-control, how we are reminded that He has given us a spirit of power, love and self-control...that He has given E this ability, but that he has to choose.

a couple days ago, i'm heating up my lunch when he comes flying into the doorway, sobbing. 'please let me call my mom, i'm leaving,' he screeched. 'i came to find you, i didn't hit, i didn't yell, i came to find you like you said, please let me call my mom.' of course, i wasn't about to let him call his mother, but i got him a chair and got him to take a moment. he promised to take a moment to calm himself down, and i gulped down my lunch hurriedly.

when i come back, he's calm and no longer crying. he tells me what has happened, and the amazing thing was we were able to go and talk to his classmate and he forgave him. he talked about how he knew he was mad, that he needed to calm down...that he was going to leave the school grounds, but changed his mind and came to find me.

i was just floored. His grace, coupled with our obedience, changes us...when we say yes to Him, when we choose to try to go His way, He just takes us all the way. E. is a work in progress...he will continue to have moments like this, and will continue to learn how to control himself. but there it is, reclaiming who he was made to be and not the person he is being persuaded to become. the courage of that 4th grader helps me remember that its possible.

saura

2011-03-13T14:44:00.002-05:00

i've kind of let this thing die...not because i really want to, but because i'm just not sure what to do with it anymore. it's not that i don't have things to share, nor because i absolutely don't have the time to do it...i guess i just don't have a clear purpose for it anymore. doesn't mean it will always be this way, but we're kind of on a break for now.

what can i tell you? i'm now the vice principal of elementary school at NCA Nejapa. it's really a perfect fit, in so many ways. i feel humbled and grateful for this opportunity, something that doesn't necessarily come around that often. what does this mean? well, i'm here in nica at least until 2013, but probably beyond that. i know i'll return stateside for a time at some moment, but i don't have that date in mind yet.

i'm learning to focus on what matters and let the other stuff slip away....why let the negativity of others sink me? we've experienced some difficult things lately, relationships have been damaged and trust has been lost...but in the end, i know that He is in control, and He alone is good, able to restore. so i trust in that.

i feel like this time in many ways is a molding of my character...shaping and teaching and cleaning and restoring...its a slow but forward process, and i'm thankful that the work He has begun He will also finish.

lots of promises on the horizon....reminds me just how much mercy and grace He gives.

looking into a visit stateside in june/july...but those ticket prices just keep rising. we'll see. remember, any of you all is welcome here always ;)

snippets

2010-12-14T15:02:00.003-06:00

i found this in an old sketchbook as i was cleaning yesterday.
dated january 7th, 2007.
"I am always at home in Jesus. always. if i feel outside or alone or NOT at home, it's because somewhere along the line i chose to walk out the door. turn on the oven, open the curtains, i'm coming home. i'm here to stay and i wanna bring whoever i can home with me."
it's good to be reminded.

about my last post: the thing that is hitting about these women's lives is NOT the work they are doing, although that's what i thought at first, but their HEARTS. "there are no great things, only small things with great love." -mother theresa.

i want to memorize psalm 103 in spanish...there's a resonance with what its saying and this time i'm in.

an old poem:
a love that silences
turmoil
despair
insanity
a sweetness few perceive
bitter on the tongue of selfish men
yet richest of fare to the gutter's friend
which am i? do we choose?
may i don the beggar's cloth
if it be the way
to the divine love feast.

what are some things that are resonating in you today?

2010-12-13T14:38:00.002-06:00

this sister, or more correctly, the Jesus reflected in her life, is rocking my world. completely.

so is this draw to be taking care of those sweet ones in the MQV orphanage. and Amy Carmichael's story.

the same story that was washing over me 7 years ago is coming back, stronger and plainer and bigger.

and i feel like i'm just observing, just waiting. what am i supposed to do with all this?

i guess we'll just have to wait and see.

a reminder

2010-12-08T18:09:00.003-06:00

He who loves his father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me; and he who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me. And he who does not take his cross and follow after Me is not worthy of Me. - Matthew 10:37-38

And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sister or father or mother or children or farms for My Name's sake, will receive many times as much, and will inhereit eternal life. - Matt 19:29

And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect. - Romans 12:2

The preciseness and sheer exactness of His will and His plan continues to blow me away. Lots of shifting and changing happening, staggering in the starkness of positive and negatives. And I wait in the middle of it all, grasping for the way, the path, His will. there is so much of me that wants to figure it out for myself, make a plan, write it down, put it into my manageable box. and yet in the same moment afraid to make a wrong step. And then as I'm thrashing around, He just smiles and reminds me of what He had already shown me. As if there was any question or doubt. And there comes the peace.

More concrete details on this will be coming soon...thank you to those who have been praying.

fruits of a Labor

2010-12-02T09:37:00.006-06:00

do you remember when I talked about being transplanted into a foreign land, and the promises He gives with that?

i am seeing the fruit of that Labor, this work He began and promises to finish. it's overwhelming when you marvel at His greatnes, utter magnitude, true goodness. and never ending faithfulness.

i write this as i ponder the faces of my fellow teachers, all of us just two days away from vacation. for me, it is simple unbelieveable that i have a place here, that these people are my friends, my support, my brothers and sisters. and together we work to change the future of a country. simple amazing.

for me, reflecting on this past year is going to take all of December. and I feel ready and eager to do so. the second year of teaching is SO different than the first and the third year of living in a this country promises to change me forever. there are certain qualities, perceptions and attitudes that are being forged, that are good and life-giving, that could never have been formed in my former path. just a snapshot:

infinitely more patient and loving, in a deep and base level way. i can't explain how it happens but there is something in the very core of me that is just different.

a whole new understanding of respect and rights.

a simpler, streamlined self

a person focused, not task focused mind...this is huge for me.

able to make hard decisions and trust that obedience is way better than 'sacrifice'

a fuller gratitude, for everything.

appreciation for simple things: time to rest, a beautiful song, lovely weather, particular harvests, hospitality, generosity, solidarity. this, at least, the government has correct - promoting and applauding solidarity. the nicaraguan people embody this trait.

photo credit

have you voted yet?

2010-11-02T13:18:00.002-05:00

ok. before i get started i must clarify a few points.
- my political party/leanings are not important for what i'm going to say.
- i'm not trying to get you to vote for X or Y candidate.
just in case someone was already huffy about the title and not willing to read further. :)

so, a dear sister posted about voting. and i really appreciated what she said. and i wanted to add my two cents, because hey, that's what blogs are for right?

i just want to remind my fellow brothers and sisters in the USA to take advantage of a working democracy...so many people are living in non-democratic countries or worse, a dictatorship parroting a democracy. here, you can go vote, but there is little faith that your vote will actually end up where it counts, and even if it does, there is so much corruption that it is highly unlikely you will have a fair and democratic election in which the people's voice is heard. dead people get to vote, thousands of votes go "missing" and just plain old lying makes sure that the people in power stay in power. they've already done it once and are in the process of changing laws to make it possible for the current "president" to continue his term.

as i was talking with my students in a summit about the Holocaust and Anne Frank, it burdened me to see the lack of faith and hope they have in their own voices. we were talking about how similar pre-Holocaust Germany was to the Nica of today...and how can they, the youth of Nica, make sure something like that doesn't have any place to grow here...one said they could take action in politics, to vote, to be informed. but the majority say, why should i vote or have anything to do with it when i know that if i don't vote for them (FSLN), it won't count. if the people, the youth, don't stand up and use their voice because it isn't heard, then all you have is a shrinking population trenched in poverty that submits to a dictatorship because hey, what are ya gonna do? it's infuriating, to see a people lay down and let the powers that be do as they please because they think they have no say. that is not democracy.

but YOU, you get to be a part of a government that caters to your opinion, that allows groups and rallies and invites you to get involved, on one side or the other. and whether you are happy with the things are or not, its your RESPONSIBILITY to keep the democratic system working and vote. no, it's certainly not perfect. nor is it the answer to all our problems. and yes, it is frighteningly polarized.

but it's definitely a democracy, and we the people should make sure we appreciate that and participate.

*stepping off soapbox*

bienvenidos mateo...because what else are you gonna do?

2010-09-26T09:02:00.007-05:00

as a kansas girl, i've always loved storms. i have tons of fond memories involving them...like the time my dad ran into the garage wall in our minivan because he was rushing to get us home in a tornado. or the gorgeous purple and blue light show i watched with my grandparents at the sedgewick county park, a night storm slowly unfolding. and then there was the time our basement flooded and my beloved aunt robin, at that time a college student, helped us move around our play things and haul 3 inches of water out of the basement. and i can't forget the time we all had to huddle under the mesh play crib to protect ourselves from any incoming glass as the wind whipped around the house. (that was also the year i got brave enough to explore further in the storage room where we hid and found all the Christmas presents. i still remember the horror i felt "i am SO on the naughty list right now!!!")

there was this thrill of something exciting, something unpredictable, something out of the routine. and a little scary, but i never doubted my parents ability to take care of me(obviously this was before my realization that man, before nature, has little control).

but now, here in nicaragua, storms are a bit...different. i have seen water just rise and rise and rise until it becomes a whirlpool in what used to be our cafeteria. i've seen it grow our lake like something out of a horror movie, taking down houses as it goes. it's taken lives, destroyed homes, ruined electrical systems, and basically wreaked havoc. it hasn't been until Nicaragua that i've felt truly fearful.whereas the rainfall used to help me sleep, it now keeps me awake.

like a night this week. the lightening was overwhelming, ripping the sky open and immediately crashing it back together again. the following school day was punctuated by screams as the children jumped with every lightening bolt, the power fleeing and the water slowly rising. every teacher kept their eye on it, willing it to pass as quickly as it could. and all this was before Matthew.

The good news, in all of this, is that it's been pretty calm for us. (I live in the orange strip,close to the edge of the red strip...the tiny lake you see there is Lake Managua, the house-eating one.)

Just constant rain and cool temperatures (sweater and sock weather if you can believe it). Luckily we are pretty high up in El Crucero and on steady ground. but the residents on the northern and atlantic coast part of the country are in danger. and the poverty in those areas is unreal. plastic and stick houses, very high unemployment, survival depending on crops...that are now being flooded. it's hard to feel that long-ago pleasure for something i now find so destructive. i'm sure survivors of Katrina and other natural disasters know what i'm talking about.

it just makes me wonder. when faced with one small element in a huge universe of unknowns like storms, why do we think we have so much control? isn't more logical that we don't? that we need someone to take care of us? that we need a little guidance? just wondering.

disconnected but there

2010-09-19T21:41:00.002-05:00

it's a little disconcerting for me how hard it is to write these days. don't really know why, but it becomes increasingly difficult to form something coherent. let's see what we can find.

i miss free time. i have free time, obviously, but it is usually suffocated by the ever-present list of things to do. isn't there a mute button somewhere on that annoying soundtrack?

why is it that when you CAN sleep in and have a good time to rest, you don't sleep well? it's like there's this rebellion in my body that refuses to rest...i don't know if it's stubborness, a martyr complex or some bizarre health issue. what i do know is that it's frustrating.

things i've enjoyed lately: riding out to the farm on a limitless sunny day with my husband, chocolate supplies, a slowly growing ability to put space between me and my job, time alone with my husband, reading....a lot, glee, sunny saturdays so my laundry dries, the book of samuel, toasted buns with butter, working with my students towards their success, perfect fitting calvin kleins that cost me 7 dollars, being ok with me.

only 8 weeks of class left, then exams, then the end of my 2nd year at NCA Nejapa. time is speedy here. still learning so much.

for the sake of consistency

2010-09-05T23:31:00.002-05:00

after weeks of division, a coming together.

hours of running to be met by a moment of rest.

agitation turned into peace.

answers found. energies recuperated. trust restored.

above all - reconciliation.

today was a good day.

rhythm

2010-08-29T16:04:00.003-05:00

if my life were a EKG or lie detector test, there would be wicked leaps and drops, nothing really steady and certainly few things that remained in constant.

i'm wanting to add some rhythm, some constancy to my life, where i can. many of the things that make it so topsy-turvy are completely out of my hands, but i have a tiny bit of control over some things and am really needing to find a rhythm in all of it.

some efforts i've tried so far: daily bible reading, daily prayer with my husband, preparing my lunch to take everyday to school, writing to my husband weekly, afternoon rest moments, looking at the positive side of things. and now i want to add weekly blogging. (i have to admit i am really bad at getting this rhythm down, so forgive me ahead of time.)

so often i have a lot i'd like to write, but i don't for one of the following reasons: it's too harsh, it's too messy, it's too personal. but as i've been teaching my advanced kids about story, and how it is important to tell a story, one you believe in, one that makes you feel positive and reaches others, i've realized i need to tell these stories. not all of them will be world-shaking or even very interesting. but there is something in telling that allows us to recognize new sides of the thing we are experiencing.

so in the midst of all the things from this weekend: no city water, constant rain, blackouts, my nephew's dad in jail for an accident, debts they will have to pay, a continually flooding school, allergies, weariness, irresponsibility, and the sticky stain of corruption on this country, i want to tell you a story.

a good story. i hope.

it was friday afternoon, and all were anxiously awaiting the news that the new pump had finally been installed and we would have water again. i had just woken up from a fabulous nap under the watchful eye of the brewing storm, the applause among the plantain trees the perfect lullaby. my husband and i went to check the water situation only to find out it would be another 2 weeks before the water would be back. like many things here, the new pump did not work and they would have to wait to buy another.

so we got to thinking. and planning. and shoving. not each other that is, but old pvc piping. alongside my husband, nephews, brother-in-law,and church members on the soaked ground, we came up with a device to catch rainwater and direct it into our water tank. it made me smile to see us all there, muddy and wet but laughing as we wrestled with various pipes and glue to make this contraption that stretched 8 feet from the roof to the opening of the tank. there was this triumph evident in their eyes, excited that they found a way to beat our circumstances.

since it had rained pretty hard, i had a full barrel of water and i could finally wash some clothes. my nephew started hauling water from one tank to where i was washing clothes, one after the other. my husband bounced around from one project(a soccer ball stuck in the gutters causing a flood) to another (fixing the piping we didn't use). as i scrubbed out the week's dirt and let my thoughts swirl around in the lather, i felt grateful. in the midst of not very fun circumstances, i had seen how we had come together, how each one gave what they could to make it work, to live. there is so much need here. so much that we don't have. and without this kind of unity and support, we drown. we dry up and get beaten down. and it was refreshing to see it work, to find that it just came together. with the sun peeking out apologetically, i hung those clothes up with satisfaction. who cares if it's not fixed? we have what it takes to make it through...and i see this apply to hunger, poverty, corruption, fear, betrayal, lack, emptiness.

maybe we can't 'fix' nicaragua. but we can be the best versions of ourselves, together, without letting our surroundings weigh us down.*

(*this is often so very hard to do. case in point: brother-in-law in jail for an accident in which neither has insurance and the kids on the motorcycle were injured, lots of debt from that, waiting around in the dim police station trying to negotiate and all of a sudden, a thief has gotten into a bus in the police station parking lot and stolen the radio. and they send the youngest girl member of the force to run after him, slipping and sliding in the mud.obviously she didn't catch him.

it makes me want to scream...inexplicably difficult for me to be the best version of myself or for us to overcome with unity. pressed down. but not crushed.)

rain pounded on the zinc overhead...

2010-08-21T20:23:00.004-05:00

and i half-shouted over the giggling 5th graders to help them finish their project. They colored and cut and glued and glittered, as i glanced at the rising water collecting from the heavy rain.

the final bell rang and we shouted a prayer to keep us safe, as the kids shifted their backpacks and fiddled with their white shirts, untucking them a stretch at a time. as we left the classroom, they all chattered excitedly over the situation, but i was remembering the last time this occurred: the steadily growing tide that consumed the office and the high school,a wake of recess snack bags and sludge cluttering the normally shiny surfaces, and the resulting wave of illness from the wet clothes and disgusting liquid squishing in our shoes. i put them to study math as i waited impatiently to know how we were going to resolve this one.

at 3:12, the stragglers crossed the soggy soccer field with me and a couple of other teachers, only to find the cafeteria a swirling pool of sticks, trash and a foot and a half of water. We huddled in the remaining sprinkles of the rain and i went to check on the office situation. there i found my other teachers with the director, now past the nervous stage and on to the witty stage, a skill we have from living in a continually negative and unstable world. if only we had known what that slithering pool around our feet was doing just a kilometer away...

now, i don't know about you all, but i tend to shy away from things i KNOW i'm not good at...like volleyball. and overwhelming crowds of people. and resisting chocolate temptation. and grief. maybe there isn't anyone whose really good at grief, but i feel especially unequipped at it. being a very sensitive person whose emotions swell and spiral and suffocate, i become very delicate and...different. and i just don't like it.

so you can imagine how much i was dreading yesterday, as i had to face my co-workers and students after the drowning of a dear 10th grader. that water that changed our afternoon as it twisted by our school changed anita's life as she tried to get home.she was trying to pass an unpassable turn that was running with the current, while my fellow teachers and i were up to our ankles in that same filthy water, laughing from some quip about the photocopier that was teetering on the table. it's sobering to think about just how NOT in control we are, for all we'd like to pretend and imagine.

i felt like a zombie as i walked through the day, pasting on a smile in front of the primary school kids as they had normal classes, tucking that grief away in the roof of my mouth, speaking with care so as to not dislodge it. but when i found myself with those i could be open about my grief with, i swallowed it, stone-faced and cut off. and all i could keep thinking was, how is one supposed to deal with grief? sure there are a ton of books and strategies and 'tools' that can be accessed, but i think it's like marriage and childcare and 'life crises'...they are just things that happen to you in life, things that you enter and depending on who you are and, i would say, how you relate to God, will affect how you deal with it.

as i listened to isaac sing 'alaba' and watched the students maintain vigilance over anita throughout the service, i rested in that pain. i let it be there and allowed myself to acknowledge it, to experience it. to cry and to laugh and to let it drip through my fingers.

i think my reaction, and that of many, is to hurry it up, to get it over and done with and to not let it take up too much space or time. but then i think of the truth that His power is made perfect in our weakness. and though i don't understand it, that it's ok to let that be true, to believe it, to apply it to my life. and not just with grief, but disappointment, fear, pain, loss, anxiety, worry, waiting, trials, tests, growth, change...whatever.

let it take the space it needs. but remember that the One who is in control, is the One who overcomes and brings us out of it. and Who will use it for His glory, which in turn always means good for us.

may His peace and provision cover her family and friends and may His presence be a balm on the rawness of this grief.

we belong here.

2010-07-07T19:34:00.002-05:00

tiny hands and dripping paint and muddy flipflops might seem like an atrocious mess but God, was it beautiful. these little members of my community, the ones that smile at you with their eyes and offer up love like there's no end to it, were there in their squiggly lines, enjoying the various crafts that our beloved Colorado team brought down. I got to be a part of the hand-printing mural and for me it was so so powerful...not because I'm super-psyched about painting hands, but because it was incredibly overwhelming to make these little ones a permanent part of our clinic. Placing those smudgy hands with their name neatly woven in ballpoint, right between those teensy fingers, was a joyous act, a commemoration, if you will. and not just because of the image that developed, but the profound look reflected in their eyes that says, this is mine. i am a part of this. I BELONG HERE.

I can't really convey through words the sweet swelling that balloons in my chest when I think about it...it's one of those emotions that fills, that soothes the raw edges and relaxes the tense places that come from doing this kind of work. it says, little by little, what we are doing, is helping form and shape these little ones, in a way that matters...just that pixel of change, that they would feel a part of and not just one who receives. it's these things, the small and often unnoticed attitude and value changes that tell me El Crucero will be different in a few generations. and who cares if I'm not here in those future generations, the best part is just knowing it will be different...and hopefully, a lot brighter.

something new

2010-06-24T12:52:00.002-05:00

sometimes you just get on this speeding path without ever really thinking about how you got there nor if you really want to be there. sometimes you find yourself up to your neck in things and think, what? why am i doing this?

there are so many opportunities to be disappointed and let down in this work. there are so many plans that fall apart, hard work that doesn't get noticed, time that gets stripped away.

weariness and sheer exhaustion and overworked are all common descriptors for those involved, the growing weight of the need that you see around you smothering, the hunger clawing to be noticed.

but none of these are the worst crisis for someone in some type of service. the real gut-wrencher is when you find yourself with absolutely no more desire to continue. when you find that you could turn it all over to someone else without a second thought of what would happen to those little tummies, those growing minds, those desperate eyes and grasping hands.

it's not even the weariness or heaviness or difficulty of it all that bothers me....its this new, flippant and oh-so willing part that wants to wash her hands of it all.

i sat yesterday, stewing in this and watching the sunlight glisten off the leaves...and just sat. i haven't just sat in a real long time.

and the bottom line is this: there is a need for balance. and rest. and sharing responsibilities. but more than that there is the reality that this work, this thing that i do...it's woven into my soul....its not even the place or the people or the circumstances but the profound knowledge that this is what i was made for. so even though this alarming new sensation is ever present in this moment, i know that it's just a false self, a shadow of who i thought i could be, but nothing like who i really am.

and with that, i could breathe. there is something about being anchored that allows you to hold on in the midst of whatever gust that comes your way. i'm thankful for that.

fingerprints

2010-05-16T12:05:00.002-05:00

things that have been leaving their mark lately...in various forms.

one of the 4 year old twins(whose mom just died from a plastic surgery gone wrong...who on earth gets plastic surgery in Nicaragua
??)just bawling because he couldn't get his cut-outs to stay glued down...me kneeling, helping him and seeing that it really has nothing to do with cutouts or glue, but overwhelming loss.

being a mom to a 14-year old. Moises' nephew is living with us. and in the midst of all this is the growing ability to see how He provides. how nothing is impossible. and how there is always enough.

fruits of partnerships and the fullness they bring. there is nothing quite as sweet as seeing your dreams and visions sprout up and reach people, to see them change their lives, to see them overcome and smile at this new place they are coming into.

quietly and carefully tending to my marriage with my husband in the little garden of our lives. seeing him pour into it as much as i do. being united in one purpose.

that place of rest that always finds you when you ask, no matter the to-do list, the projects, the laundry, the whatever.

my soul clings to you; Your right hand upholds me. Psalm 63:8

innovation

2010-04-05T14:04:00.004-05:00

have you ever stopped to think about how valuable a sprinkler is? it provides a great way to beat the dry times without waterlogging plants or grass and can be a fun activity for kids to enjoy in the summertime. here, sprinklers, let alone the water with which you would occupy a sprinkler, are scarce. and not really practical.

but today, Moises made a beautiful 3 way sprinkler that gently mists withing a ten - foot radius...with electric tape, a beat-up hose, and an oil bottle. and i got all excited, talking about how useful this could be for farmers dealing with the drought...and he reminded me that they usually don't have water, and when they do, they don't have the pressure necessary to make it work.

sigh. well, it's still beautiful.

resonance

2010-04-03T15:54:00.001-05:00

do you remember David, from the Christmas confrontation in 2008? he was murdered last Wednesday, four houses down from where we were staying. i cannot put into words the many emotions we have gone through this week…anger at his choices that would make him vulnerable (drugs, mafia, stealing, all sorts of crime), sadness and compassion for his two children and wife left behind, heaviness for the reality of this small town, lost in a growing number of sins and depravity, restless for the lack of hope or alternative, gratefulness that the Lord pulled my husband out of there 3 years ago (David used to be best buddies with Moises), and just weariness. a touch of what I imagine the Word talks about when it says the earth groans in waiting.

It’s gotten me thinking and churning and there have been some things I'm reading that relate. Donald Miller talks about it like this… “I said his daughter was living a terrible story…I don’t know exactly, but she’s just not living a very good story. She’s caught up in a bad one…A couple months later I ran into Jason and asked about his daughter. ‘She’s better,’ he said to me, smiling. And when I asked why, he told me his family was living a better story.” (excerpted p 50, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years). La Batea, and many, many, MANY people are just living a bad story. And us Christians don’t offer a much better story.

WAIT. how is it possible that we, who have heard the BEST story ever, not be able to offer a better story? this creates a tension and pain that pricks in the stomach and swells to my head. it makes me take a long hard look at what i’m doing, if i’m just like them, but in a glossier-looking package. do all my activities and works and motives invite people into the Story or are they just pretty little vignettes for my own pleasure? if we’re honest, i think we will find that most of us are concerned about making a good story for ourselves, or as Donald Miller said, “My entire life had been designed to make myself more comfortable, to insulate myself from the interruption of my daydreams.” (p 77). we assume that the story is about us, just a tree in the forest, but we are reminded its actually a story about a forest (donald miller).

Amy Carmichael addresses this issue, specifically about comfort, in her book A Gold Cord.

“The Lord calls men with the spirit of Epaphroditus. That spirit will be required, for the life of uttermost service cannot be called comfortable. ‘Comfort, that stealthy thing that enters the house as guest, and then becomes host, and then master. Ay, and it becomes a tamer, and with hook and scourge makes puppets of your larger desires. Though its hands are silken, its heart is of iron. Verily, the lust for comfort murders the passion of the soul, and then walks grinning to the funeral’ (kahil gibran). It is true; but it is one thing to applaud it as truth and quite another to turn from that lust that murders the passion of the soul, for the sake of these for whom Christ died. But no one who has done so would exchange this way of living for any other.” (Amy Carmichael, p 367 A Gold Cord).

This passage cut me through, and I think it relates to what I was writing earlier, that if we focus our story on comfort, or security, or fun, or fame, or power, or whatever else it may be other than Jesus and His story and how our stories are all about the bigger story, we will fall into the same story that La Batea lives….an empty, bored church with souls chained up just outside the doors. we will be ineffective, useless and restless. maybe it won’t be so obvious, but we’ll know, because we will begin to see the mildew cracking through the whitewashing.

To take it a step further, Oswald Chambers speaks not of just a story that points to the larger Story, but of a giving that pours ourselves out. “ The real test of the saint is not preaching the gospel, but washing the disciples’ feet, that is, doing the things that do not count in the actual estimate of men but count everything in the estimate of God. Paul delighted to spend himself out for God’s interests in other people, and he did not care what it cost. We come in with our economical notions –‘Suppose God wants me to go there – what about the salary? What about the climate? How shall I be looked after? A man must consider these things.’ All that is an indication that we are serving God with a reserve. Paul focuses on Jesus Christ’s idea of a New Testament saint in his life, viz. not one who proclaims the gospel merely, but one who becomes the broken bread and poured-out wine in the hands of Jesus Christ for other lives.” (My Utmost for His Highest, February 25.)

Those of you who know the Word will have those verses echoing back to you, the place that all these ideas spring from. Jesus was very clear about the life, the Story that we are called to. There is a need, a DESPERATE NEED, for the children of God to remember what story it is that they are a part of and to fight hard to make their daily story resonate with the larger Story…because we are His ambassadors, His messengers, the ones who take the story to others and invite them in, reminding them that they too are characters in His story. and if my story doesn’t resonate with the Story, people get confused and misled. and they think the Story is about personal fame or power or success or comfort or easy living…and they get bored. and they get caught up and enslaved by the more deceiving and darker stories…where they can’t get out.

So I ask you…what kind of story are you writing? who is the main character of your story? what are the things that move your story along? and if you find that your story isn’t what you hoped for, I leave you with two other story ideas from Miller.

“The oldest book of the Bible is supposedly the book of Job. It is a book about suffering, and it reads as though God is saying to the world, Before we get started, there’s this one thing I have to tell you. Things are going to get bad…God doesn’t explain pain philosophically or even lists its benefits. God says to Job, Job, I know what I am doing, and this whole thing isn’t about you.” p 197

“I don’t ever want to go back to believing life is meaningless. I know there are some biochemical causes for some forms of depression, but I wish people who struggle against dark thoughts would risk their hopes on living a good story – by that I mean finding a team of people doing hard work for a noble cause, and joining them. I think they’d be surprised at how soon their sad thoughts would dissipate, if for no other reason that they didn’t have time to think them anymore. There would too much work to do, too many scenes to write. “ (p 247)

PS. Thanks, Donald Miller, for being honest enough to put all that into writing. For encouraging us to “edit” our lives and start making a meaningful story. You provided a more elegant version of something I’ve been thinking about for awhile.

the reality of truth

2010-02-10T15:45:00.002-06:00

so today, as I ate my lunch with some of those chatty 5th grade girls, one began to comment on how she was going to begin baptism classes, kind of cranky about it...and I began to talk to her about baptism and why we do it and i said "baptism is us choosing to die to this life with Christ and being raised again through Him to a new life that we live for Him" and she exclaimed, how beautiful! you should teach us bible!

there is a comfort for me in that, that in both languages, this is beautiful. i guess Truth is just that way.

little things

2010-02-04T20:13:00.003-06:00

just a few snapshots from my first week of my second year at NCA Nejapa.

- seeing students come under my loving but firm teacher gaze

- feeling His authority and love behind my words and actions

- David, drawing a picture of Right to Education, using materials his classmates lent to him (David is the first student with a handicap at our school...he has cerebral palsy and is wheelchair bound...but he is intelligent and quick in his mind and has the most beautiful smile...the fact that he is in our school at all says a lot..many children with different capacities have little opportunity for education and the idea of paras, IEPs, and any number of other acronyms we take for granted in the US are nonexistent within the Nica Ministry of Education).

- quiet morning moments before the crazy bus ride down the mountain

- eating breakfast with my husband on my first day...he accompanied me to calm my nerves :)

- thankful, to be in this place.

and though it has nothing to do with NCA, for a dear sister´s farewell to her papa. our language can´t cover what the heart feels in moments like this...how i wish i could be at your side Lauren.

peace to you my friends

hospitality

2010-01-18T20:53:00.003-06:00

the cycle of giving and receiving is something i have always been interested in, how it works, how one end affects the other, how expectations and circumstances can warp it...etc. i am a person that enjoys giving, from small to big, in all variety of forms. be it actual gifts, or sharing of resources, or giving of time or money or compassion...there is something in me that God has called out to give...because i believe that the things i have, that anyone has, are simply God's things, and He just chose to give you whatever portion you have so you can manage it. The fun part is seeing how when you use what He's given to bless and support and encourage you find all sorts of delights pouring back in.

living in Nicaragua has changed this a bit. not the desire, but the form in which i express it. and it has taught me how to receive, and graciously. (this i believe to be very important...its extremely uncomfortable to give to someone unwilling to receive). at first, it was embarrassing...humbling, actually, in the midst of a humbling time. and it made me take a look into my reservations about receiving.

in the end, it's this: we all need to receive. and we all need to give. and my husband and i have learned to trust the Lord's provision, always knowing He will meet our needs and obeying when we feel we are to be a part of meeting another's needs.

but this receiving became a deeper thing for me on our trip to the states. the hospitality, generosity and giving in general was a salve to places i didn't know were raw. we were received into a home where the family is struggling through a time of illness, and yet we felt like celebrated guests, made comfortable by each member of the family, all when they could have shut their doors and said, right now we just don't have anything to give.we entered into my home and received there like we had never left, like my husband had always been a son, complete with good talks and great food and precious prayer. we had numerous people invite us to eat a meal, covering the expenses because it was more important to them that we enjoy our time together in sharing life than worry about a few extra dollars. we were received in many a home with hugs and delighted smiles and accepting hearts. we were welcomed into a diverse church and a home, all because we are family in Him. we were carted around Chicago by various people and welcomed into an acquaintance's home, only to leave as friends and truly bound as brothers and sisters. we were given space and invitation into a community, allowing us to see how they strive to live out the gospel together, in all its drafty, messy, interesting and diverse glory. we were given monetary gifts like you wouldn't believe...not because of their quantiy but how they were always quietly given at just the right moment.

what i see in all this is the immense love of my Papa for two of His kids...and how He works through His body to do it. do you ever stop and wonder how your giving (in any shape or form) allows Him to meet His beloved's needs? or how if you don't, that it might hinder? certainly God always finds a way, remember the lilies and sparrows, but wouldn't you like to be a part of that holy giving? i know i do.

i want to thank you, brothers and sisters, who made us feel so welcome, loved, cherished and cared for in our time stateside. your support and prayers and time mean so much to us, and on a very personal note, i so appreciate how you all made my husband feel. i can't thank you enough.

He is always good.

let it snow!

2009-12-24T11:06:00.001-06:00

there is just nothing as cool as seeing my husband marvel at snow for the first time…nor is there anything as aggravating as when he sneaks inside and locks me out to be funny. grr.

a rant(ito)

2009-12-10T17:58:00.002-06:00

i have many thoughts and opinions that have sprouted up from being in the unique position of living in a foreign country and acculturating(think salad bowl ESL metaphor) into that foreign country but being witness to my native country`s deeds within said foreign country.and i have something to say.

i think its important to ask why and how a person comes into an impoverished country. many people have already formed this answer and often have the general how answered as well. and it usually sounds really good, polished and able to bring in donations. most of the time it is well thought out and usually focused on the people..but i have a few more questions i`d like to ask, specifically for the missionaries in, or coming to, Nicaragua.

am i positive that my mission or project i am coming to complete is not already being done by local people that i might support instead?

how can i hope to meet needs of people i cant communicate with nor understand where they come from?

why, knowing that the country i work in has high unemployment, would i not include several salaries for native people in my budget?

why do i choose to enforce my cultural norms and ideals upon the people i work with rather than try to learn and understand and work within theirs?

do i really think i have all the ability to make a difference, and that i don`t need and cherish the input and support of my native counterparts?

am i doing this project honestly and for the people`s benefit, or because it makes me look good with my various groups at home?

are my motives pure in the application of my project? is it something the people really need and want and will support?

can this project survive without me? and if the answer is no, how will i change that?

is the underlying attitude and nuances of every action Love?

i`m realizing as i write this out, im a bit bitter. i am frustrated by the uncomfortable situation we find ourselves in when good people want to do a good thing...but haven`t thought it out completely. im tired of getting angry over culture clashes and attitudes about money and work ethic and education, and im sad at seeing all the loose ends and not knowing how to fix them. im burdened by the lack of vibrant Christian local men and women ready to serve and bearing the burden with the few that do and are always called on to do all of the service/projects/quehaceres. im curious about my own culture, and how we let it so easily shape our Christianity into something that isn`t necessarily Truth.

i certainly do not have all the answers, and recognize that many of those aforementioned questions are uncomfortable and slightly accusing (hence the first person form, its always better to ask yourself the tough questions first before you go slinging them at someone else). Being of my own culture, I understand it and can imagine every angle of defense one might have in response...and I just say, we have to be Christians (little Christs), not American or Nicaraguan or Republican or Socialist or Rich or Poor or Good or Bad....He is the only thing that defines us, being that in His image and for His good purpose we were made, and I can`t make excuses for not living as He calls...not for my culture, nor my economic status, nor my project goals and objectives.

disclaimer: this is a GENERAL rant, and not directed at a specific group or person...just a stream of thought gathered from being part of and observing many different ministries here in Nicaragua...most of which are making a positive impact.

jumbled

2009-12-05T21:21:00.000-06:00

i come stateside/home? in 10 days. i have not really begun to think about it for lack of time, but its kind of freaking me out. its hard to convey why, but it is.

i was hoping to draw out some threads of thoughts through blogging, because it often prompts a lucid moment or two, but the skipping between the two languages this evening through work has left me blank, so i`ll leave it at this.

i`m thankful that no matter how tightly wound and knotted life seems to get or my emotions or the powers that be, He is always there, ever patient and available to help me out.

its like the kid in maniac magee that undoes that huge crusty knot and wins a pizza or something. and the best thing is that Jesus shares, even when I didn`t earn it.

form

2009-11-14T13:30:00.003-06:00

i realized yesterday what it is exactly that draws me to teaching, that gives it such weight and importance. no, it didnt come from seeing chubby fingers grip a broken crayon to scrawl their name, nor a flashy smile from the ornery 4th grader, nor the pleasure of listening to a child forging reading skills not only in spanish but in english (though those are some highlights)...it came from a late night conversation with some of the clinic team members, who include my husband, my brother-in-law and pastor and a friend. it happened rather impromptu, just a quick chat after feeding their four kiddos homemade pizza and jello...as we discussed some happenings from the week, there rose again our vision, the vision to form and heal integrally, to raise up and teach. and there it is. teaching is not just a set of questions or themes to learn, nor a curriculum you have to finish. it is the opportunity and responsibility to help form people. its the reality that the way i react to a child`s misbehavior has a direct impact on their values, formation and understanding of how the world works. that everytime i explain to G. in kinder that he may not hit his classmates because it hurts them, and that is not what Jesus wants from us, nor what we were made to do, im planting seeds of peace and kindness where neglect and busyness have allowed the weeds of sadness and loneliness to cover his heart. that when i smile and talk with a student about their accomplishments, how God has given them talents and has a plan for those talents, there`s the opportunity to support a beautiful work beginning. that when poverty, the heavyhanded teacher, leaves a child ungrateful and sour, I can look for grace and patience to redirect this student, to teach her gratitude and the goodness of the Lord.and this applies to adults, teens and children, all of my fellow brothers and sisters. to teach obedience and love and respect...because if they aren`t able to respect and obey and love me, whom they see, how will they learn to obey and respect and love Him, whom they don`t?

it`s a terrifying and thrillingly satisfying realization all at the same time.

8 days, 5 exams, 1 conference, 3 graduations, 8 send-off letters, and many many moments until the end of my first full year of teaching, in Nicaragua Christian Academy. What a ride.

rewind

2009-10-31T13:24:00.002-05:00

for some fun...because i felt a bit disoriented today...I started looking back through some old posts. and its just odd. its me, of course, but a different me, and it makes me wonder if i lost her or she didn´t learn Spanish or she`s just curled up in the back of the Nica survival kit, but it just feels weird reading that stuff, remembering the ways I saw and thought and processed. And the type of stress I lived under...its just very different now.

life here, well...my life submerged in the academy, clinic, marriage...is just barer.

bit nervous about that.

im looking forward to coming home in December and sharing that life there with Moi..and getting some seriously quality books and conversations.

i know this is not a bad thing...just realizing this work He started in me is not as...plush...as I had once imagined.

morning

2009-09-16T14:06:00.002-05:00

i can`t explain how much i love mornings without demands...at least the illusion that there are no demands. we came back from La Batea last night, visiting the family as we will be stateside come Christmas, and I got to sleep in as the hot sun pierced through the palm leaves onto my pillow. I like this time because I can pretend that I have free time and that I have the space to think and dream and evaluate and consider and be thankful. Some thoughts from this morning.
-there is nothing sweeter than His presence. nothing.

-family is a precious thing that makes your eyes water and heart clench when you have to leave them, yet i am thankful for those emotions and the fact that i have those people that make me feel this way, now in two countries.

-a lack of vision is a sad thing to behold...so many tiny towns here in nicaragua are awash with alcoholism, drugs, laziness and lack of hope, due to many factors, but mostly lack of Christ and His Spirit.

-i miss good conversations in english. in spanish, they are good, but i miss the fluidity that i have in english.

-i love reading, and desperately need new books...the ones i have i am beginning to think of as friends, and i am not certain that is a good thing :)

-sugar coated cereal is the best way to wake up...even if its unhealthy (sorry Steph) (this is not entirely true, as i really enjoy scrambled eggs with bell pepper and onions and cheese and toast and lots of fruit with coffee, but the reality is there`s usually no time for that, so cereal becomes the best.)

...

2009-07-31T14:47:00.002-05:00

my blogging muscles are rather withered and not audience ready, but it`s just been too long to keep waiting. so here i am. i feel more and more embarrassed to start writing each time it has been this long. i dont really know why.

there is obviously a lot that has happened. many minutes have ticked by, many minor things have been undone and redone and overdone, etc, many meals and conversations and projects and ups and downs to be had. including a wedding, beloved visitors, a finish of one semester, a move, a new winter settling in.

but i just can`t do all those tiny moments justice by clumping them into a quick pasted together story. nor do i want to. so i`ll just share the following story that has stuck with me as i travel in the cramped bus down the misty hill and in my quiet moments in the mornings.

the sun poked out every once in a while as i sat at my pollo asado post, waiting for 2 o clock to come, when I could abandon my duty of putting together plates and chasing away starving dogs. i had a date for the evening with my husband and i was tired of just sitting, sitting, sitting at our church`s bazaar. the kids that kept begging a coin were beginning to get restless and all the good used clothes had been sold off. Moises toiled over the last two measly chicken breasts, hawking them off on all the passerbyers, 2 for 30 cords! he proclaimed, winking over at them, inviting them to come and enjoy the obviously great deal. I meandered through my mind, the memories and sensations of the day lolling upon me. It was then that my attention was diverted. A local drunk and possibly crazy man had wandered over to our bazaar. He is a man that everyone knows and yet doesn`t know. He is well-known for being passed out on sidewalks or begging money or just talking to himself, but as far as his family, his favorite color, or the endless wonderings of why, are unknown...at least to me. He was hunched over, slowly making his way to the barb wire fence we were using as a display rack for hats. He gently fingered the cloth of one, turned the bill of another, finally decisively pulling off a blue one. I stayed still, curious as to his next step. He then reached into the depth of his worn pockets and pulled out several 1 cord coins, counting them carefully in the weathered palm. Then he circled carefully up around my station and into the back of the area, where Lester was receiving money. He placed those 10 shiny coins into Lester`s hand, only to be surprised with the five that were returned, winking up at him. He then stood beneath the playful sun, adjusting his new possession until it fit just so over his ears. away he shuffled, down the lane and back to the street.

as we went to managua for our date that night, i asked moises if he knew the name of this man...which of course he did and said, ¨i was going to let him take it if he took it. but look how quick he is. no one told him the price or where to pay or anything. he`s not as crazy as many think.¨ and he switched the radio channel.

good ol' usa

2009-05-31T07:37:00.002-05:00

what a fun time it has been. i have slipped back into my country and find it quite pleasing. it's a bit shocking how clean and comfortable and neat everything is...I'm worried about driving back through Managua...but I also realize I am smack dab in the middle of high end Coloradan suburbia, and not having to work, so it's rather fairy tale like. some things i have noticed:

-i feel awkward and shy in my first language...don't know if that's just me being introverted or what, but i don't feel that way rattling away in Spanish...but as a rule, I am quieter in Spanish.

-i feel overwhelmed by places like target...i never was a huge shopper, but i felt like i needed 5 hours to make it through that store...i just wanted to look and touch and smell.

-my need to be pleasing to those around me, to draw attention and approval was faintly roused in the middle of all these events, but it was good to realize it is no longer a driving force in my life. that feels real good.

-appreciation is something best learned in absence...the real reason for fasting, i think.

-it is wonderful for me to see these people who have so much wanting to be a part of what we do...not in a lets throw money at it and fix it but more lets be a part of, lets share, lets support.

-one of the ladies i met at the event said to me, don't worry honey, God will bring that material blessing soon, you just see...you're just in a missionary stage of your life...and i found myself not wishing for that at all. i mean, its really nice a lot of it, but i dont want to desire all that stuff again or have it managing my life. no way. and i won't go into what i thought about that missionary stage comment...just that i don't agree. but she was very sweet and well-intentioned all the same.

-it is so important to see these people doing what they do here...sometimes it just doesn't break through to what we do in nicaragua and the people there lose heart...it was amazing to have Pastor Luis see that there is a huge number of people here working to support what he does.

-getting to see my Papa for two days...really just such a blessing, being on the other side of healing.

-in the midst of it all, just missing my nica home and family. excited to go back and share it with them.

Those of you coming to the wedding will be thrilled to know that the clinic team is coming down the same week as you all, so there will be tons of opportunities to see first hand what we have been up to and the people here stateside that have been working alongside us...i'm so excited!

news

2009-05-21T16:10:00.002-05:00

GUESS WHAT: Im coming stateside!!! It is only for a weekend and Im going to Colorado to translate for my pastor...he is going to share at the fundraiser in Colorado for the clinic and feeding center and last minute, their translator fell through...so I get to go!! Im so stoked.

check out missionstripnicaragua.blogspot.com to see their side of what is going on here.

may flowers and showers

2009-05-18T11:53:00.001-05:00

Sickness.

I´ve discovered all sorts of sicknesses here in Nicaragua – stomach sicknesses that scold you for drinking that cacao fresco, gripe cold sicknesses that hang on and on and on, homesicknesses that start as an outward missing of home but then become a subtle dislike of things that are not home, stress sicknesses that just make you tired and spiritual sicknesses that weigh on your soul and make you listless.

I´m encountering a new sickness…and no, it´s not AH1N1 or whatever that thing is called now. It´s called lost footing sickness or something of the sort. I haven´t really lost my footing, I just feel like it. Maybe it is the craziness of May at my school – exams, monthly plan session, a huge fundraiser, lots of tutoring and we still have the giant holiday of mother´s day to look forward to. Maybe it’s the less than 2 months I have to prepare a wedding. Maybe it’s another bout of homesickness, realizing how out of touch I am with the people I care most about. Or maybe it’s a soul sickness, a need to get out and get quiet for a while.

I honestly think it just might be the outcome of making so many large decisions and doing life outside of the environment I was used to. It is a very strange feeling to live my life here with the absence of my family, close friends and church body. I have friends and family and church here, but it just feels different. With Peace Corps, there was at least the little US bubble you had around you all the time as a volunteer, if not in person, in mind and phone calls. But I find myself with some identity issues…I am not Nicaraguan but I don´t feel fully gringa either. And yet sometimes this distinction is important. It is just a very strange feeling, this way of living. I am not sure I can fully explain it.

Maybe it is like a lily uprooted and planted among hydrangeas. I mean, they are both plants and can relate, but a lily is not a hydrangea. Nor is a hydrangea a lily. But they can still both thrive and live in the same garden right? Even if there is not a single other lily or certainty about leaving the hydrangea garden for the lily garden?

Has anyone ever experienced this feeling before, this foreign yet not foreign transformation? Missionaries out there that know what I am talking about? I want to be clear though…just living in a foreign country does not necessarily invoke this feeling…but the integration into that community does. I´m meeting a lot of missionaries who don´t really integrate, so they don´t know what I am talking about. Maybe it is not necessarily a foreign country thing…could be a different religion or race or class thing too…who knows.

Final note: No one worry (mom or grandma ). I’m doing well actually, enjoying a lot of stuff these days. Just doing some internal processing in the public forum.

New things.

Some new things I am doing or discovering here
-I can make a pretty tasty pizza. And Moisés is actually an excellent cook. We have fun in the kitchen.

-I can´t stand prideful ministers. There is something so upsetting to me about someone who uses their position as a minister for their own glory, their own authority and power…and it infuriates me to watch them use it to control others. Absolutely infuriating.

-I really enjoy movies…if you have not seen La Misma Luna, or Under the Same Moon, find it and enjoy it…really really like that one. The new Earth movie too was really fun.

-I have a huge black rat living in my ceiling. Not a fun new discovery but a new one…sick. Working on that problem this week.

-I am getting on my feet at work and connecting with my students. It feels good.

-I am realizing how much I miss being a single classroom teacher…accompanied the first graders on the field trip…what a blessing.

-I need so much more patience.

-It is really neat to be the connection between a Colorado church and my church and see how God uses it to meet needs here in El Crucero – pray for the clinic and kid´s feeding centers we have going on here.

-Only six weeks until vacation and then two more weeks after that that I get married…don´t ask me if I´m ready. :)

-I am really enjoying reading through the Old Testament…find yourself a one-year chronological bible…it is fantastic and really helps paint a fuller picture of how things happened. The story of David and his reign is particularly encouraging.

-I´m getting fat here…WAY too much Coke, chocolate splurges and popcorn. It´s become an unhealthy and out of hand stress coping mechanism after work. I gotta start exercising again!

-I miss my mama and my closest friends…not just the people but the experiences we had.

-Learning to be grateful and receive what may come with hope and joy.

-Respect is something I have to fight for without letting it affect my confidence.

-The only thing worth seeking after is Him and His kingdom.

bits and pieces

2009-04-15T16:38:00.002-05:00

there is a phrase in Spanish that means consumption...consumismo. but here in nicaragua it means something else....not like consumismo, consumption but con su mismo or with your same...the idea being that they don`t really consume, they just use whatever they have because there isn`t anything else. i thought it could be neat grass-roots anti-consumerism name if anyone is interested...

had a spectacular day...just because i felt His patience, His kindness, His joy leading me through..and as i thanked Him on the bus ride home, i realized that on the surface it was not any different of a day...but the immense gratitude felt by one relying on Him and not themselves is a pretty wonderful feeling.

one of my students asked me, startled, today...Miss Ternes, what color are your eyes?? (They are hazel, greenish brown with gold flecks) and i told them that they are like sunflowers (girasol)...and then realized that was a term my fiancè used to describe them. and it made me smile.

i`m finding flexibility to be a really valuable quality...not only in body but in soul. sometimes you just gotta let things go and its ok that not everything on the list got scratched off.

He makes all things possible. and provides the means to achieve, to reach, to make it through. that is such a comforting thing.

mentirosa

2009-02-17T18:19:00.002-06:00

yep. thats me.

well, internet access is really a relative term. as in not really available. at all. and then there was the computer crash incident of this morning as i attempted to download obamas speech for an english class plan tomorrow. sometimes i forget im in nicaragua and get upset, and then i get over it.

some simple joys lately

- always having enough. be it a teeny ounce of energy to finish a plan, 5 minutes more that help me be on time, one last piece of chocolate, that last 20 cord bill that meets my needs, and always the grace to make it through.
- appreciating the cool climate that greets me after a sweaty dusty day in managua
- being called prof sara by people i dont know
- limonada con soda. absolutely refreshing
- people that go out of their way to help me and appreciation when i do the same
- someone who is constantly thinking of me and supporting me wherever i am, no matter how tired or busy he is
- a new bed
- some fantastic books involving an asian background...distant land of my father, memoirs of a geisha
- the numerous beautiful eyes that smile up at me as i pass by them at my school
- the fine frenzy
- a well-timed word from the Word
- hope of something bigger than myself
- knowing my path is already known and secure, even though there may be moments when it doesnt feel like either of those things
- simple kindness

my days are running together with the simple thread of teaching, and im exhausted. but i dont feel despair or crushed...i know this is part of the path. its like an invigorating mountain climb that you get lost on, but always knowing you were meant to reach the peak, and that you will, eventually.

cold fingers

2009-01-22T18:24:00.002-06:00

wow. its hard to imagine how many things can happen in just a short little month. here are some highlights...and trust me, this string of crappy blogs will end soon...i miss writing more than you realize.

christmas in la batea in a few words: ridiculous amounts of food, rain, crazy kids, beautiful landscapes, hard conversations, good laughs, culture clashing....insert story here: it was close to the end of the trip and i had gotten a wicked cold, exhausted and feverish, i awoke to blaring music. mind you, this is a tiny farming town...why on earth should there be horrificly loud techno in the street? i half realized it was a drunken and drugged up neighbor and i marched myself out into the street in my shorts and side slung ponytail, demanding in spanish who lived here in this awful house with this awful music...the guy just kind of stared at me, standing in the street until i started talking to him...asked him to turn it down, as, surprise, the whole town along with his wife and kid were asleep and didnt need to be awakened. and then he got very very upset. and began to yell at me about how we were not in the states, but in nicaragua, where we do what we want. i calmly explained to him that i had been here since may and that it was not that way in all of nicaragua and that where it was was where there were problems...i asked him again to turn down the music and went inside, finally realizing what the heck i was doing and getting a little nervous...then to my pleasure, i heard him hollering about how i needed to realize i wasnt in america but in nicaragua...and to help me learn, he played typical nicaraguan music for two more hours, while he shouted and hollered the same phrase over and over again, and shot off his pistol. I havent felt that embarrassed and yet entertained in a long time....end story, beautiful parks, a good book, and new levels of friendships. just as a start.

new job in a few words: my home, accepted, enjoyment, overwhelming, exhausting, good, where i need to be.

more writing coming soon...my internet access is blowing wide open with the new school.

decision

2008-12-18T13:46:00.002-06:00

peace corps and i will part ways tomorrow. i just got back from an interesting exchange at the border, allowing me to stay here for three months more while i wait on residency papers. in january i will start community classes and training for my new school. feb 2 i will begin teaching my new students. i leave sunday for a tiny town called La Batea to spend a traditional nicaraguan christmas with moises. i couldnt feel more blessed.

sometimes your path just changes...and you dont know why or really know where you are going. but ive learned that to go back or to try to ignore the path doesnt help...im learning to enjoy exploring this path im on.

merry christmas to you all...its 85 degrees here. :)

i´ve been thinking about you lately...

2008-12-09T18:20:00.000-06:00

December 8, 2008
A few snapshots of the journey. I have been kind of deliberately closed lately because of a decision I must make. My path in Nicaragua is splitting and I must choose which road to take. I will have the answers this week I am hoping and will then be able to explain more fully where I am at. In the meantime, here’s some snapshots of what I’ve been up to.

HOME
Yep, I went home. For 5ish days for my best friend’s wedding. It was just unreal. The lack of sleep and overwhelmingness that is the US and seeing people who know you deeply kept me fairly numb. I watched my best friend’s eyes flash in the realization of the huge decision she was making, met my nephew face to face and reconnected with my niece, ate tons of food that I love but found it was not as satisfying as I had always imagined, and just hugged and hugged the people I love. I felt hollowed out yet filled up all at the same time. It was this bizarre experience, like I had never left and yet fully aware that my life was going on in another country. I believe I have started a journey in which I will be a citizen of two worlds, two places. Part of that makes me uncomfortable and I want to pretend that it isn’t happening. But when I realized on my flight back to Managua that I kept referring to it as home, I knew that I had really created a place here. This is the first home I have made for myself without roommates or family members, and all on a foreign soil. It’s just kind of odd. I look forward to having people come visit me so they can see this life I live here. I remember thinking about Nicaragua before I came and I could not imagine what the day in day out looked like – I had nowhere to connect their experience. But I am finding it is not that much different than my life back home, and I know you will all feel welcome here.

CHINCHES
Summer has arrived, which you know has me rejoicing. But this summer comes in with a transition time in El Crucero. It’s still chilly here because of the immense wind that kicks up all the time, but at least it is sunny and dry. However, there is a new plague to study: chinches. These little squarish bugs that buzz loudly, smell awful and burn your skin if they pee on you. Which is not an unlikely occurrence. Because of where my house is situated, the chinches congregate on the walls and roof of my house. And it is disgusting and slightly terrifying. It’s not too bad until they get in your house or you want to wash your clothes outside in the lavadera. I’m hoping this fierce wind will blow them all away. In the meantime, I’ve gotten really handy with my heart-shaped flyswatter.

UNFURL
About a year ago, I wrote a post about roots, talking about this yearning to put down roots and grow into the community around me, but feeling the restraint and inability to do so. I knew I was coming to a foreign place, and knew I could not sink too deep into the things I was involved with in KC. Yesterday, as I watched the faces of my Nicaraguan brothers and sister, laughing and talking, shifting as the cold wind sliced through our outside party, my heart swelled with thanksgiving. I am putting down roots. I am learning this people, and they are slowly becoming my people. Though we are very different in many ways, there is this commonality found in Christ that just blows my mind. I have been embraced, accepted, made a part of. And I find this rich freedom to grow all that I can, to embrace all that I am receiving and to dig down deep as I unfurl. I’m not talking about literally putting down roots, like I am going to live here forever, but that blessed feeling of giving of yourself, to let yourself become part of the community you find yourself in. It is amazing to be a part of these people’s lives.

KIM EDWARDS
I just finished the most beautiful book. It is called the Memory Keeper’s Daughter, and it is this amazing study of how a human’s desire to protect through concealing leads to more harm they could have ever imagined. It was a tragic story but one that was rich in imagery and the poignancy of raw emotions, emotions we tend to gloss over or renamed. What could have been so trite or flat became this deep ocean of people interacting, and watching the ripples of each action shaping the story. Not just a good read, but something to consider. How often have I exchanged the truth for a lie in the name of comfort or political correctness or simple embarrassment? I forget that my actions have consequences and each should be weighed carefully, considering the people it will impact and the outcome. Definitely a heavy book, but one that I found to be refreshing.

JOY OF GIVING
Curving masks glittered in the fading sunlight above missing teeth and goosebumped flesh. Laughter rang out among the whistling wind as the children waited somewhat patiently in their plastic seats. We were having a birthday party with some 70+ people. Our church works with a group of kids down at km 32, where a large number of families live in extreme poverty. The goal is simple – to show love and lend a hand to people who are hungry. Yesterday was a particularly special time because the boss of one of our church members had decided to celebrate her son’s 8th birthday with our group of children, knowing they would not be receiving gifts for Christmas or their birthdays. There were two huge piñatas and massive amounts of food, soda, candy and toys. The hunger in these kids’ eyes was heartbreaking as they clustered impatiently in their lines to receive. But the thing I saw shining out over the heaviness of poverty was the sheer joy our youth and this woman’s family had in giving. I sat and watched the birthday boy Cid as he stood before

and the sun arose

2008-11-03T16:48:00.002-06:00

October 20: Birds (This happened a few weeks back, just forgot to write it in)
Warning: If your name is Steph Moore, you may want to skip this post.

It was a perfectly normal Tuesday morning for me, nothing out of the ordinary. I had woken up on time, thrown my hair up into its sopping wet twist, eaten my toast with jelly while chatting with Graciella and entered into my damp classroom. And there it was…this feathery, sticky mess hanging from the zinc roof rafters. A dead bird, stuffed to the gills with wispy white cotton. Was this a prank? Did they hold a taxidermy class while I was teaching in the other school? I looked wide-eyed at all the students, but no one was reacting, no one had the same look of disbelief that I had. My co-teacher walked in grinning, with a student at his side. “It’s good, yea?” he said to me. “What on earth is it??” I asked. He explained that it was for a science project. The student at his left had shot the bird was in the process of stuffing it to get it ready for the next class. So while I taught some nonsense about the structure of “be supposed to” to express intended activity, the student and his girlfriend continued stuffing the bird, using plastic baggies from tajada(a really tasty fried green plantain chip and salad snack) the day before and using their jackets tied around their faces against the smell. It’s moments like this that make me wonder why on earth am I teaching English. I guess so he could tell his teacher (should she speak English) “I was supposed to stuff the dead bird last night, but I didn’t have time…I was doing my English homework.”

The Inner Workings of Poverty

After much thought and deliberation, I’ve narrowed the cause of poverty here to two main things. I know, you all think you already know, but I am confident you have not thought of these two things. They are gift-giving and cell phones. Yep. First, everyone is always giving gifts and expected to give gifts, no matter the lack of money or the viability of a person liking or using a gift. Food is given often and it is considered kind of inconsiderate to go to town or to the store and not bring back something tasty. This, obviously, whittles away your wallet and makes people like me, who are cordoba counters and peso pinchers, feel uncomfortable. But I am learning to loosen up and balance the giving…plus its really nice to receive, too. And cell phones. First, it is RIDICULOUS to buy minutes here. You pay for one dollar of credit, which is 20 – 22 cords, and that only is available to you to use for two or three days. And you won’t get that much out of it because one minute uses a lot of cents. And if you are calling Movistar from Claro, forget it. Then there are the overly priced cell phones that these people buy without hesitation and often on credit. 200 to 300 DOLLARS people. Dollars. And they don’t keep them long, selling the ones they have and buying others, not gaining a profit but always spending. People here are incredulous that I have a phone without camera, video, MP3’s and it only cost me 15 dollars. They seriously don’t believe me. So I’ve decided that the way to solve Nicaragua poverty, at least here in El Crucero is to buy a monton of cell phones in the states and give them away here. And then we will all be able to buy more soda and I will have solved a developmental problem in a cultural sensitive way. 

HOPE: October 20ish.
“I see hope as an attitude where everything stays open before me...daring to stay open to whatever will come to me today, tomorrow, two months from now, or a year from now--that is hope. to go fearlessly into things without knowing how they'll turn out, to keep on going, even when something doesn't work the first time, to trust in whatever you're doing--that is living with hope."
--henri nouwen

This quote knocked me off my feet when I read it in a gchat last week. Good stuff.

TORTILLAS
It´s official, I am pure Nica and able to marry. Or so they tell me. I really like fresh made tortillas and I finally asked Graciella to show me how. It´s really simple, just water and Maseca, but the art is in the palming of the tortilla on a plastic bag cut into a circle. There must be force, making the palming sound, and there must be care, creating a perfectly round tortilla. Then you must be careful when cooking it on the iron disc over the flame-leave it too long and it burns, not long enough and it will be doughy. And then there is the puffiness. After the second turn, you push on the tortilla on the iron plate and the dough puffs. Really well made tortillas will puff entirely and are a beautiful golden color. I have found I really enjoy this tortilla making and have been thoroughly embarrassed by it. All sorts of whistling and oyes! and photo taking on cameras accompanied me on my first and second tries. Now they just ask me to do it and tell me that Im pura nica because of how I make tortillas. Who knew I could become a citizen with my tortilla making skills? Someone should tell Napoleon Dynamite.

ok...some real posts

2008-10-10T13:23:00.000-05:00

Depth: October 2
As I rush to write this experience down, my cheeks are damp with tears. Today was one of those days. The questions, the doubts that crouch in the corners of your mind coming out full force. The weariness palpable on your skin. My ojos gatitos dulled by the clouds and rising fear. But then I went to Jinotepe. Did my shopping and errand running, determined to enjoy my free day tomorrow….plus I had a package. This package is what I want to talk about. I opened the yellow envelope with the familiar simple jaunty lettering letting me know that it was my precious sister friend Lauren…what I saw inside made me weep, huge tears falling. First was the tiny soap and lotion in Jasmine….just as I was desperately missing scents. Two bags of chocolate, almond M&M’’s and dove dark chocolate. I am a FANATIC of dove dark chocolate and couldn’t believe I was privileged enough to receive such a treat here in Nicaragua. Then came the shirt. The beautiful royal blue shirt with golden lettering that says “Someone in Kansas Loves Me”. I just buried my streaming eyes into it, struck through by the memories of how much you all back home love me. That you are walking this out with me, no matter how far away you are, that I am deeply and well-loved by all of you. This realization almost always is followed up by a wave of regret, a wistful wondering of why I left what was so good…but then came the card and the first Dove chocolate. “I believe in you” declared the envelope and precious words touched my heart within…including this Mary Oliver verse called Praying
“It doesn’t have to be the blue iris, it could be weeds in a vacant lot, or a few small stones; just pay attention, then patch a few words together and don’t try to make them elaborate, this isn’t a contest but the doorway into thanks, and a silence in which another voice might speak.”

And in case I was still having doubts, the first dove chocolate read “Learn to say I Love You in another language” and the second said “Slow down, take notice, savor the moment.” Seeing as I am learning to say I love you in Spanish to someone very dear to me and I get to take tomorrow to rest, I had to just laugh and realize that even more than you all love me; I am loved beyond my wildest imaginations by an amazing and perfect Father and Lover. Thank you Jesus.

PS: Thank you so much to my dear friends Lauren, Jen, Luke, Sara, Brenna, and Missy…and my Mama of course…who have taken the time and effort to put together little packages or long letters…there is something indescribably rich about receiving these love tokens and I adore writing three or fours days on a letter and shipping it back…there’s something more intimate, more real for me, in communicating this way. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

A good cook?: October 4
There is something I feel I have to wrestle with in a public forum…my food dilemma here in Nicaragua. Back home, I loved to cook and try new recipes, and considered myself a good cook, for the most part. I knew how to make a variety of dishes and could mix and match dishes to complement each other. But here, I feel like a novice who is uncomfortable with the kitchen, and honestly, I can’t remember what I made back home. Part of the problem obviously is just the different products available and the different approaches to cooking. Also the bare resources I have…both in money to buy food and the lack of multiple cooking pans and utensils, as well as the current dilemma of having no gas, so everything I make must be made in my electric frying pan. This greatly changes the dynamics…but I digress. First of all, I suck at making rice. I have made multiple horrific messes (including one disastrous attempt today to make Chinese fried rice) and am always timid to try again. I never made rice much in the states and if I did, it was as a small side to the meal, never the main food. Here, it is this grimacing foe, taunting me to conquer it because it knows I need it to make it through my week on my food budget…yet I keep skipping around it. Plus, to me, plain rice is not a good food option. I could, of course, make gallo pinto, but this involves making the rice (a 30 minute process that may or may not have to be redone), then removing the rice to put to the side and making the beans, taking another 2 hours or so to cook, then draining those beans and frying them with a little oil and garlic…then adding the rice back in and stirring it all together. Too many variables and being unsure of quantities to make as well. So I look for another route, eatings lots of eggs with onion and “bell peppers”- which are miniature versions of bell peppers back home and only available in green- with some precious cheddar cheese sprinkled on top, quesadillas, sometimes pasta with just sauce, and the occasional meal I get invited to at a nica table. Oh, and LOTS of wheat bread toasted with fruit jam…this week it’s guava. As you may begin to wonder as I am, what kind of damage am I doing to my body? In the states, I was careful to get my daily allowance of vegetables and fruits, snacking on baby carrots and apples, snagging grapes and bananas on my way to classes, and tossing in corn, green beans and bell pepper into any dish I happened to be making. But I don’t have any of those aforementioned options, except bananas, and I also don’t have the variety of sauces, meal helpers, skinless, boneless chicken breasts, or many of the other items in Dillon’s I used to rely on. I’m realizing I’m not much of a cook at all, just someone who didn’t realize how wonderful all the meal supplements and varieties at her fingers were. Plus the fact that to get the things you may need for a meal require trekking up to the pulperia, which they won’t have everything you need, so you go to the next one, and inevitably, some of the produce you so diligently bought will go bad before you can use it. I know I’ll get the hang of it eventually, I just feel a little lost right now. And I know I’m gonna cry the next time I walk into a supermarket in the States.

One little victory I have is learning how to make bean soup here successfully…it consists of cooked red beans, blended up and added to water, tomato, onion and bell pepper slightly sautéed, cream, beaten egg that cooks super fast when it hits the soup, and lime juice. It is absolutely tasty, protein rich, and fairly easy though time consuming to make…I’ll make you some when I come home to visit.

Arrival : October 5
Well, it happened. I finally miss the US. Don’t get me wrong, I have been missing my family and friends and various aspects of my life beforehand, since I stepped on the plane to DC back in May. I’m talking about the US in general, the things we have available, ideals we hold, etc. First, I miss having enough. I struggled with money in college just like most people and was not a wealthy person. But I never felt the tightness of poverty like we feel it here. Simply being able to walk into a store and find everything I wanted and more and probably be able to pay for it as well, is a luxury. I had the option of ordering a pizza if I wanted, and could enjoy lots of little comforts along the way – the soda or coffee when I filled up my gas tank, the night out with friends, the rented movie, the scented candle I picked up at the store, the new book or magazine. Those are not possibilities here, or if they are they are so expensive it is not possible to buy them. Being paid in dollars had an advantage and living in the land of plenty was wonderful. Then there are the attitudes about teaching and learning. Good grief. The differences are stark and frustrating because I can’t figure out how to get from where I am to where they are and back. I find myself letting things just stay the way they are, then realizing my own apathy and floundering to do something about it. There is a struggle to connect the big vision with my everyday here. And my everyday is winning…and this, to me, feels like a failure of the big vision. It’s too big to tackle in one day, but I feel like if I am not continually doing something with the big idea everyday, its never going to get done. In the US, the big vision is always the controller, the pusher behind students, professionals, artists, etc. It’s this bigger idea that I have somewhere I am going…here, that idea of vision is hard to communicate and even less understood. The ideas about equality and equal partnership are still a long way from being developed here. Machismo – nothing I have to say there…maybe in the States the men are just as caught up in women’s looks and have their own closed minded ideas of what we are capable of, but at least they keep it to themselves and may not even let their ideas affect their interaction with us. Here, that is not going to happen for a while. We seriously have a privileged life in the US…I am aware of our many messy and shameful parts as well, especially with the current economic crisis, and who knows what’s going to happen with the presidential race or the war in Iraq. But there are some deep fundamental things about my country that I miss a lot right now. As a person who was secretly disgusted by much of her country, this is a big deal for me to realize I miss living in the US.

Lucha: October 8
When I began this journey, the most obvious thing I was attempting was the Peace Corps. But more apparent and more important to me was the decision to stop living in fear. I’m not talking about the physical reaction of fear to things that are harmful and can be helpful in protecting us. Rather, the fear that stems out of distrust and pains and old wounds…this fear acts as a chain to your soul, keeping you from putting yourself too deep into relationships, drives you to be self-protective and in general can be a hindrance to many of the good things in life. Darwin may have said this was simply my survival instincts kicking in, things that are natural and are necessary to my own well-being. But I know better. I know that what looked like a decision to be serious about my studies was simple fear of being hurt and left behind. That every busy hour I loaded onto myself was done out of fear of failure, fear of not matching up and thus being left behind. I am not proud to say that many of my actions can be traced back to a root fear of abandonment, failure, or rejection. When I decided to join Peace Corps, it was a choice to begin facing these fears, to stop letting these things dictate my life. Only now am I realizing that the PC decision was only the first step inside the door, and this long hallway is filled with some of the oldest and controlling fears in my heart, waiting to be confronted. And good gracious, is it ever uncomfortable. And I don’t want to do it. But I have realized how precious it is to love others and be loved by others….and so I press forward. I’m going to fall a lot, but I feel ready to make my choices, to choose love and gentle openness over fear and closed fists.

1 John 4:18
There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

1 Peter 3:6b
You are her (Sarah) daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.

Time Warp: October 10
So I’m here in Granada on an impromptu vacay day, visiting some fellow PCV’s…yes the initial allure did involve the Office. Which brings me to my title. So I get here, all jazzed up to see American TV, ate some delicious pizza and we settled in to watch the show. LOVED it, but here was the weird part…left during a commercial break to get a snack down the street at the pulperia, and had to go to another one. But in my mind, this took 2 minutes, tops. When I came back, the show was OVER! O-V-E-R. And I was absolutely dumbfounded by the difference of time, here and there. When in the states, a half hour is a long time. Here a half hour is next to nothing, easily spent walking to and from a destination, half of a bus ride, etc. It just made me laugh how different my time clock has become since living here.

update?

2008-10-01T16:05:00.002-05:00

heeeey.

so it's october? you wouldn't believe how time warps between the fog and rain. seriously.

a few thoughts (because i don't have my memory stick that has all my inspirationalish blogs)

-there are these flowers here that sparkle. seriously. little red and white five petaled beauties that just shine brilliantly from their little speckles of gold sparkle.

-on a day that felt so heavy with missing home, i walked into my english evening class to find a student wearing a wichita, ks SURVIVOR t-shirt, complete with tornado graphic and punny sayings. i almost hugged him.

-today, in my second round of trips through managua, i found the grassy corners around the huge, congested round-about were occupied by cows. lots of them.

-yes, i did just spend 30 cords on three packs of gushers...i had been craving them, thinking about asking someone to send them to me, and there they were, tucked into a basket. it was meant to be (even though i kicked myself for spending that much)

-a taxi driver asked if i were french yesterday, but i said no, im from the states...his reply: oh, i assumed you were European because you recognized the Psalm on the radio...americans are more distracted in that aspect, right? i didn't know what to say

-i'm facing my biggest achilles heel: fear - and its exhilirating and exhausting all at once

-i am actually enjoying the rain...?

-the states economic status has me a bit worried...

-who IS this sarah palin lady? one look at her photo in newsweek with the American flag and the following story made me a little nauseated.

-nica time no longer means late to me...simply means im realizing i dont have the time to touch on all the hurts and tears i see

-i LOVE writing letters. seriously.

-the start of something new and beautiful has begun...and i am so excited yet terrified of its end or the discovery of some major flaw.

-i'm really upset to be missing fall. like, hurts my heart sad.

-never realized how much i was attuned to my smell surroundings..i wish so badly i had brought some body spray and scented candles.

-i heart sleeping.

hellllllllloooo friends

2008-08-28T18:41:00.000-05:00

Coke: learning the art of sharing
So, if you hadn’t figured it out yet, Nicaraguans have an obsession with gaseosa (this in itself is funny because it just means gaseous…), which is soda or pop or coke as we call it in various parts of the states. There is the drink of choice, Coca-Cola (yes, they do prefer it to Pepsi here….they are pretty sharp folks), Pepsi and then a variety of Latin American specialties…rojita, a disgustingly sweet bubble gum red drink (which I got to take in a tiny copa for communion last week), marinda, an orange soda, salva cola, a not too shabby knock-off of pepsi and great for when you are counting cordobas, and then the kola shaler, a nica specific drink I have yet to try. All this to say, the primo gaseosa is Coke, and it is not cheap. One two liter costs 25 – 30 cords, when you consider that in a family this will be gone by the end of the meal, it is something that is enjoyed but at a price (a lb of rice is 20 cords, and 1 lb of rice 15, both of which will make a meal). Something I have noticed in all this coke drinking is how you can observe the love between family members and friends by the distribution of Coke. First, all guests get a full glass, no questions asked. That includes the chelita (me) for at least the following several visits after the initial visit. Then come the half full glasses to children, oldest to youngest, and a glass shared between parents. Sometimes there is enough for everyone to enjoy a full glass, but as the amount in the bottle gets lower, you see the glass passed around, making sure that all get to enjoy it. Parents and older siblings always give it up for the younger ones. For example, when I went to visit my training family, I was given a glass, then everyone else received a glass. Then the second round began, myself and the older brother and the nephew getting half-portions. The youngest sister woke up from a nap and was sad to see the coke gone…and here’s when I got my first “I’ve integrated” moment…I offered the rest of mine to Athzyris and she accepted. It seems so simple, but in observing the ways these people live their lives for the past three and a half months, I was able to walk alongside them in a way that made sense. And for me, who feels lost 90 percent of the time, that was really cool.

[I realize this is only one frame of the nica relationship with coke, so please don’t go away from here thinking all nicas have this art of sharing coke…just something neat I’ve noticed about a family I’m close with…but for real, most of them love coke…I’ve been told “sos nica![you’re nica!]” by some of my friends here because of how much I love soda.]

Anda Por Las Aguacates: a look into how I might be crazy
So, when the 400 some students I happen to encounter in a given week realize I’m a real person with a family and what not [this does not happen often], they get this wide-eyed look. They ask, is your family here with you? Are you married? Do you have kids? And when the answer to all of these is no, and they realize I’m here solita [alone], they get this haunted look and ask WHY. And some days, I do not have an answer. The best part of this job is realizing how the only thing that matters is people and the relationships you can have with them…but also the hardest, because it makes me that much more aware of what I left in Kansas [which, by the way, being from Kansas is another reason I’m not yet “real” to these kids…most haven’t a clue where that is, nor can they picture it.] An utterly amazing and authentic community that made me feel like I was walking in the realest reality possible, a family that I am learning to love more fiercely than ever before, work that made me feel satisfied and purposeful, and surroundings that invoked imagination, enjoyment and creativity. When I consider all this, I end up asking myself the same question as my students. Why? I don’t really know. I mean, I have the answer that I know is true – I took this journey because I needed to, for a number of reasons, and I felt God calling me to walk this way. But it’s not something that yet resonates through every fiber of my being…it’s kind of like answering 27 to what is the most fulfilling part of life. It just doesn’t quite make sense. [Who knows, maybe 27 IS the most fulfilling part of life…any one good with numbers out there?]

Not really a point to all this, except to say that in this part of the journey, I feel good about being here but I really have no clue as to how it all fits into the bigger picture. And mostly, I don’t look into tomorrow if I can help it…I just do today, because that is what I have and the only thing I can imagine dealing with. It’s a way of living I often strove for in the states but to actually be walking it out is not as satisfying or dreamy as I imagined. I guess most things are never really as luminous as we imagine…but I am thankful to be realizing this lifestyle. Even if it’s not what I thought.

Real: a missing component
Reality…think Matrix. Or Kingdom of God. Or imaginary numbers. This concept of realities intangible in some aspects and yet no less real. This gives me comfort, because here, in El Crucero, I am not a tangible reality yet. I know that sounds silly, but let me try to explain. Have you ever had a foreign exchange student friend? Did you ever stop to consider what they ate for lunch and if that was what they usually at back home? Or did you ever wonder what their nightly routine was at home, and how it might be different in the States? What about the quirks in conversations they had in their native language that are largely absent in a second? I am convinced that without hearing a person speak in their native tongue and understanding them in that language, it is impossible to fully know them. There are many a Nica here that speak English, but it is only when they speak Spanish that I see who they really are…and they are fluent speakers [this is also not even touching on the fact that a second language is part of you, but that is for another post]. All that to say, the me who is “me”, goes unrecognized and unsought out for the most part…not because Nica’s are not kind and inviting people (because they most certainly are) but because there is still this foreignness…this otherness that leaves one unknown for a while. I know that it won’t always be like this, but it is rather strange to realize how long the process of becoming these peoples’ friend will be. And that to them “friend” might mean something entirely different than to me. Strange and isolating at times, but at the same time, making me all that much more grateful for the people here that I do feel like I connect with and those back home I have gotten to keep close to my side.

Trends: a look at Nica fashion
Things you can expect to see regularly here in Nicaragua:
- Well-makeuped women and girls out in public, always
- These same women and girls in the most unkempt wear and hair when cleaning or lounging around the house  [I love this trend]
- Umbrellas in the sun – no one here wants to be tanner…it is seen as much more attractive to be lighter skinned [which, yes, leads to racism]
- Earrings and high heels are a must, even if its raining and even if you have no where to go
- Small hand towels or handkerchiefs – for wiping off sweat, dripping refrescos, dripping groceries, rainwater from the downpour you just walked through, etc
- Cell phones…and a growing number of mp3 player earbuds
- Frilly aprons filled with bills of the many, many vendors of bread, candy, corn, gum, etc. If she’s wearing something frilly and pastel around her waist, you can buy something from her, guaranteed. You will NOT see men wearing these, obviously.
- Plastic woven bags called sacos, both in bright stripes and plain white
- 10 of the same vendor on whatever street or block, sometimes situated in front of each other (be it a general food shop, a bread shop, a snack vendor, an ice cream vendor, etc)
- Hollering men hanging out of buses inviting people to get a ride to “mnowua” [Managua] “nundiemay” [Nandaime] “riyamba” [Diriamba], etc
- Heaps of trash
- Tight, tight jeans
- Men carrying 2 ft long machetes, and no one acting fearful of said men
- Massive amounts of gel in the hair of men from the ages of 12 to 30
- Messenger bags = student. Hardly anyone uses an actual backpack, and if they do, its simple and worn on one side to the front usually
- Socks and sandals, often flip-flops
- Men sitting on corners
- Plastic hair clips – few women wear their hair “suelto”…loose. Too hot, too windy and too much of a hassle.
- Advertisements with people who are white. Lots of them.
- Seven words for the same thing, and seven meanings for one word
- Dramatic gestures for the smallest thing, yet the tiniest nose twitch to let you know they don’t understand.
- Rice. Lots of rice. Complete with a conversation about how the price of rice is ridiculous, which leads to all prices, which leads to discussing the poverty and difficulties these people face everyday. Yet you will almost always be offered something to eat, and you should always accept.
- Stark realities: MetroCenter in Managua that looks just like many a nice shopping mall in the states, and the barefoot 5 year old at the next corner, extending his dirty hand from his torn t-shirt to ask you for a cordoba because his family sent him out there to get money.
- Skinny, skinny animals
- Floors being swept and mopped, multiple times a day
- Second hand vehicles and buses in various states of disrepair and yet full of people, usually beyond capacity
- And my personal “favorite”: the look that says, you are not like me…all I can say about that is I will have so much more empathy for immigrants and foreign exchange students when I return.

Profe: a missing piece
A lot of students, ok almost all, do not call me Profe. They call me Sarah, and they use the vos form with me. At first, I didn’t think twice about this. But I am realizing that what this means is I am not seen as a teacher to them. And this is a problem. Without this title, the authority that comes with it and the ability to get things done in the classroom, I have had to fight to do a lot of things with them. It also does not help that I have a large number of students, two days with each school a week and little time outside of class to study their names. So, this begins my nightly study of photos and name lists I made and ignoring the calls of “Sarah!!” until they change it to Profe or teacher. It seems so silly, but I’m realizing it’s a big deal and will make or break the rest of this year…especially with my 14 and 15 year old first year boys.

Addendum: A lot of this changed as I taught alone most of today due to my teacher having impromptu meetings with the director about last week’s field trip.

Sliced through: Rilke
I am praying again, Awesome One.

You hear me again, as words
From the depths of me
Rush toward you in the wind.

I’ve been scattered in pieces,
Torn by conflict,
Mocked by laughter,
Washed down in drink.

In alleyways I sweep myself up
Out of garbage and broken glass
With my half-mouth I stammer you,
Who are eternal in your symmetry.
I lift to you my half-hands
In wordless beseeching, that I may find again
The eyes with which I once beheld you.

I am a house gutted by fire
Where only the guilty sometimes sleep
Before the punishment that devours them
Hounds them out into the open.

I am a city by the sea
Sinking into a toxix tide.
I am strange to myself, as though someone unknown
Has poisoned my mother as she carried me,

It’s here in all the pieces of my shame
That now I find myself again.
I yearn to belong to something, to be contained
In an all-embracing mind that sees me
As a single thing.
I yearn to be held
In the great hands of your heart-
Oh let them take me now.

Into them I place these fragments, my life,
And you, God – spend them however you want.

The Book of Pilgrimage in the Book of Hours, Number 2

…I’m the one who’s been asking you-
It hurts to ask – Who are you?
I am orphaned
Each time the sun goes down.
I can feel cast out from everything
And even churches look like prisons.

That’s when I want you –
You knower of my emptiness,
You unspeaking partner to my sorrow-
That’s when I need you, God, like food…

Book of Pilgrimage, excerpt from #3

…If we surrendered to the earth’s intelligence
We could rise up rooted, like trees.

Instead we entangle ourselves
in knots of our own making
And struggle, lonely and confused.

This is what the things can teach us;
To fall,
Patiently to trust our heaviness,
Even a bird has to do that
Before he can fly.

You too will find your strength.
We who must live in this time
Cannot imagine how strong you will become –
How strange, how surprising,
Yet familiar as yesterday.

We will sense you
Like a fragrance from a nearby garden
And watch you move through our days
Like a shaft of sunlight in a sickroom.
We will not be herded into churches,
For you are not made by the crowd,
You who meet us in our solitude.

We are cradled close in your hands –
And flung lavishly forth.

Book of Pilgrimage, #26

Reflection: one liners.

I’ve decided that my work here is only worth as much as I value the people I’m working with.

Small Things
The smallest things can cause a swell of gratitude in my heart these days. Today, it was the 15 minute respite from the rain that allowed me to catch a moto taxi to school without getting soaked. As I was waiting for said taxi, I saw the most brilliant full color rainbow and strains of Bob Marley’s “everything’s gonna be alright” began to echo in my mind. It was a good moment.

communication

2008-08-15T14:22:00.001-05:00

hey readers...new mailing address...i cant change the side bar yet, but its coming. and worthwhile posts too.

sarah ternes, pcv
apartado postal, 0141
jinotepe, carazo
nicaragua

love love.

Volando: a few bits and pieces

2008-08-01T14:14:00.000-05:00

Has it really been this long? Sorry guys. It has been a bit crazy here in Nicaragua for me…nothing drastic, don’t worry…just life here has been happening too quickly to record it accurately in any sort of form. I’m also bad at the “this is what I did today” as it usually feels rote and dull when I do so. So of course, I am not about to start now. Rather, I’ve tried to capture some moments in the past few weeks that have been
particularly noteworthy. I hope you enjoy.

Here We Go: time to transition. Again.
I type this to you dear reader from the frigid El Crucero…my necio neighbor the fog has not yet left and won’t for a while, though this time around I’m feeling less annoyed by him. Still not fun to shower, but I did buy some cute closed toe shoes today. Always about perspective. To be painfully honest, I did not want to come here. There were so many unknowns overshadowing the good things I had encountered in El Crucero, and so many known goods that I was leaving behind in Santa Teresa. It became this teetering balance of transition, which was not helped as I talked to my peers and staff members who encouraged me to see if my situation was really permanent. What ensued threatened to push me off my feet, challenging what little fortitude I had in myself and bringing forth the doubts and fears that seem to always surface when you are the most vulnerable. I would sit on my bed beneath that mosquito net and just cry, feeling so very certain that I had made a very large error in coming to PC, which of course did not help any of the doubts/fears/etc. But somewhere in the middle of it all, those moments that I just stared at anything remotely familiar with eyes of detachment, that I felt the very kernel of my soul say stay. Calm down. Wait. Wait! It is just about to come, the dawning of that new day, the spilling of light into the dark crevices. [To which I, of course, cynically retorted that El Crucero doesn’t get that much light!]But I would consider that voice and decide to eat a bonbon sucker (or 5) and continue waiting. And you know what? As I think about the 20 some adults that just came to my community class, the American girl who will be staying here for a year working with one of my schools, my various friends that I have made in country, both American and Nicaraguan, and just the fact that I am getting to start what I signed up to do, I can say that indeed the light is cresting and with it comes the hope. Here’s to putting one step in front of the other.

Sensory
Something new I’m learning about myself is my great enjoyment of sensory details. A pleasant smell, the perfect alignment of lines, a savory bite. Part of the change here is losing the opportunities to enjoy certain sensory experiences and trying to learn how to accommodate others. For example, the market smell is the mix between freshness and rot that makes my stomach hurt, while the taste and feel of a bonbon sucker pressed against my cheek has the ability to smooth over frazzled nerves. But this past weekend I experienced wave after wave of sensory experiences to the point of exhaustion. It all began when I went with three other PC ladies to this restaurant called Ola Verde in Managua. This place is a small gem of organic gourmet, two things I was certain did not exist here in Nicaragua. You first walk into a cool room that is filled with the scent of basil and olive oil, two things that begin to appease the palate before you taste them. We ordered hummus to start, with warm whole wheat [whole wheat!!] pita and carrot sticks. Oh my gosh. I can’t even express just how pleasing that first bite was, the flavors and textures absolutely perfect on my tongue. This was followed up by a homemade tomato soup rich in basil and tomatillo, with a pinch of mozzarella, whole wheat panini with roasted vegetables, chicken and mozzarella, and to finish, this succulent carrot cake with a cup of GOOD coffee. Oh my. We sat there for over three hours, discussing life of course, but also just going on and on about how amazing each part was. [So good was this place that I ate there for three more meals over my time in Managua]. And all that was just the beginning . Friday night we went to a restaurant called Scampis to celebrate our official status of volunteers. Fresh marinara pasta loaded up with sautéed veggies, Jose Cuervo Especial in a salt-encrusted shot glass and hours of dancing with all my PC buddies – even the sensation of the rising blisters on my sandaled feet was enjoyed simply because of how wonderful everything else was going. And then there was the hot water…that was sheer bliss.

In the midst of all this pleasure, I found myself thinking about fasting. It’s been something that I’ve wrestled with in the past, the why and the how, and always have ended up feeling like I misunderstood. But after an involuntary fasting of 3 months, I was surprised by how delighted I was at the littlest thing. Perhaps fasting isn’t so much about bearing through the discomfort but about the renewed enjoyment, and thus thanksgiving, that follows. Just a thought.

Plans
So I’m a professional planner. I really love it, take great pleasure in it, spend a fair amount of time on it - in fact, it borders on being a serious problem. I purposely left my dayplanner agenda at home in an effort to release some of the control. And yet I realized today that I had been totally planning out my time here and depending on my own resources and understandings to get me through. It’s why El Crucero/Santa Teresa stuff upset my equilibrium so much – to me, it didn’t make any sense at all and thus could not work. And yet I remembered that 1: it’s ok to be blind and 2: He still knows how to and is actively leading the blind. So instead of pretending I see better than I do, I’ll remember that my path is taken care of. And reduce my list making to once a week. [Confession: I just made my Nica notebook into a makeshift planner. Some things are just inherent!!!]

BonBons: a growing addiction.
I realized in revising my posts that I have mentioned these beloved suckers at least 3 times, so I’ve decided to explain to you my newfound coping mechanism. At the very basic level, it is a physical coping mechanism for dealing with increased stress I was experiencing – with the lack of time to run, added stressors and emotions, the need to expel this energy was satisfied by eating these suckers. They are this line of gum-filled suckers from a company called Colombiana. This of course started all sorts of funny jokes about me getting my “fix” from the Colombians…paired with a Coke, my training buddies would chide me for coke habit, both in drink and supposed ingredients in the suckers. [I AM NOT DOING DRUGS]. Now these are not your average suckers. Blow Pops are good, obviously, but these suckers have unique flavors, like my personal favorite – mango, cool which is a minty sugary mix, atomic, which is just a sweet almost berryish sucker that has small balls of spun sugar, transfer which is not a distinct flavor but has the same balls that atomic does but is also blue on the outside, staining your teeth and tongue. There are a ton of others, including strawberry yogurt, but these are the ones I have played around with the most. The best part is that these suckers are just a cord, and though they only last about 15 minutes max, I feel good about spending 1 cord for 15 minutes of satisfaction. Some days I made it into the 3 or 4 range, and there was the week that I bought a nine pack of crackers, bag of 25 bonbons and innumerable cokes…[this combination is also very satisfying…the coke through a straw, the club social crackers broken into pieces and the bonbon finishing it all off]. If you come to visit, I will make sure you get to find your favorite bonbon sucker. The confusing part is there is also another chocolate-y candy called bonbons, but I haven’t yet tried those…they are kind of expensive [5 cords for one little bite!...which is only like a quarter, but still…that’s FIVE bonbon suckers].

Ok, go ahead. Make fun all you want. I am fully aware that this is ridiculous, but here we are. 

If I’m Brave: not as it seems
I’ve been told by many a person how brave I am for doing this…for coming to PC and taking this journey. I am always surprised by this compliment…because it simply isn’t true. If you knew how scared I am half the time, how often I don’t want to do it, how many times I complain or whine inside myself, the innumerable times I’ve thought about quitting or wondering why I’m here….you would not call me brave. But that’s the coolest part, I’m realizing. If I was brave, I wouldn’t need the Lord to walk this out with me…but the reality is that everyday I realize how much I need His help and guidance, His love and company, His sheer strength. And even greater than that is realizing how freely available it is to me, and how willingly He offers it up. I am not brave, my friends. But I am well-loved and well-taken care of by Someone who is. If you find yourself thinking, I could never do that, that person is more _________ than me….just stop and remember that you have a Father who has more than you’ll ever need to do whatever you are dreaming. Just be available and take the first step – you’ll be amazed at how swiftly He begins to lead you through it.

“Teach me how to hunger, cus I don’t know the words yet…” – Bethany Dillon.

Development: different
What if the best thing we could offer had nothing to do with what we knew or possessed and everything to do with seeing what a person already has and drawing that out of them? I’m finding that anything that succeeds here as far as development goes will come from the hands, minds and hearts of Nicaraguans…and all the better for it. As Lao Tzu said, the best leaders leave their people looking at a finished work and saying look at what WE have accomplished. Absolutely.

“Haji Ali taught me to share three cups of tea, to slow down and make building relationships as important as building projects. He taught me that I had more to learn from the people I work with than I could ever hope to teach them.” – Greg Mortenson, Three Cups of Tea

I really believe that if we can get a hold of that, we actually will make a difference…and the best part is that it won’t be about the difference we made but the lives we got to share in.

Almost Famous
Part of the closing ceremony to becoming a volunteer includes a trainee giving a speech after everyone has sworn in as official volunteers. My fellow trainees chose me, which was really surprising and humbling. And slightly terrifying. I spent two nights working alongside the other trainees chosen to speak in Managua trying to put it all together. It went really well, even though I had to consciously make myself stand still during it – I was so nervous! Everyone was really gracious and said they really enjoyed it, which was sooo encouraging. I also got interviewed by channel 11 here! At the end of the day, I couldn’t believe the things I got to take part in – speaking in Spanish to a number of people and cameras, swearing in to my two years here in Nicaragua, just all the journey I’ve taken so far…it is so awesome to realize I’m actually doing something I dreamed about, something that always seemed so far away and here I am, living it out. Absolutely amazing.

Here is the speech in Spanish, and then in English [which will be fluffed up a bit as this is what I would have said had I such fluidity with the language]. You can also find the interview chunk I was a part of on youtube by searching Cuerpo de Paz – the still is a photo our director George, an older man with white hair and glasses dressed in a suit at a podium. It’s really short, my part, but still freaking awesome…even with my messy Spanish. 

In Spanish:
Buenas dias, representante de MINED Central, Ivett Soza, Señor Embajador de los Estados Unidos de América Paul Trivelli, Director Nacional de Cuerpo de Paz Señor George Baldino, personal de Cuerpo de Paz, familias anfitrionas, y Voluntarios, invitados especiales. Mi nombre es Sarah, voluntaria del programa de TEFL y en presentación de nuestro grupo quisiera expresarle algunas reflexiones y emociones después de finalizado el programa de entrenamiento.

Iniciamos nuestra aventure en Cuerpo de Paz porque habíamos visto algo lindo en la visión de este organismo. Como un mural, el Cuerpo de Paz nos invitaba a venir y mirarlo. Empezamos una exploración de esa vista exótica. Pero mientras la abordábamos durante el entrenamiento nos dimos cuenta que el mural no era una pintura sino que en realidad era un mosaico. Nos dimos cuenta que habían partes sin repellar y borronosas. No era como lo habíamos pensado. Para nosotros, estas partes fueron las enfermedades que tuvimos, las dificultades en el trabajo, los dias cuando nos sentiamos perdidos o ansiosos y los momentos cuando perdiamos la confianza en nosotros mismos. Pero, la parte bellisima es que las partes imperfectas son las que forman el mosaico, es decir las que le dan su originalidad y belleza. Los mismo pasa con nosotros. Cada uno de ustedes llevan dentro de su alma lo que necesitan para ser parte de ese mosaico. Quisiera ejemplifica lo anterior describiendo las cualidades de los voluntarios de TEFL.

Scott: Estas motivado y listo para hacer cualquier tarea que el servicio te mande.
Erin: Sos pragmática y tranquila. Tenes la paciencia para cumplir tu trabajo
perfectamente.
Shyra: Tenes la habilidad de adaptarte a cualquier situación que vas a encontrar.
Steph: Estas llena de pasión y el fuego que es necesario para aguantar.
Liz: Ves la realidad aquí y con ese conocimiento podes hacer un cambio en la gente
que va a durar.
Mateo: Tenes el carino que los jóvenes aquí necesitan. Podes usarlo para darles
confianza a si mismos.
John: Sos un recurso rico para los maestros y tenes la habilidad de conectarlos entre si
con tu humor y amistad.
Ryan: Siempre te conectas con los jóvenes y con eso creo que vas a hacer la diferencia
en sus vidas.
Elizabeth: Siempre estas lista para aprender cualquier cosa que necesitas para ser un
recurso a los maestros.
Lara: Sos dedicada y flexible. Ves lo que tenes que hacer y estas lista para hacerlo. La
gente puede confiar en ti.
Adam: Sos tranquilo y paciente. Estas preparado para oír las necesidades de la gente y
para apoyarles a realizarlas.
Diane: Tenes la creatividad y podes usarla para hacer un cambio en los jóvenes de
Granada.
Jen: Tu amor por el baile va a crear una oportunidad para las chavalas con las que
ellas pueden tener mas confianza y amistades.
Allie: Tu experiencia en la enseñanza va a darles a los maestros un inmenso recurso
que ellos pueden aprovechar con gusto.
Danica: Tu gentileza va a invitar a las mujeres y las muchachas a venir y a aprender
como pueden vivir con la misma gentileza.
Maria: Tu experiencia con el Cuerpo de Paz y la enseñanza de Ingles nos da un recurso
como ningún otro. Todos nosotros, nicaragüense y estadounidense, vamos a
aprovecharlo.
Joanna: Tu amistad y disponibilidad va a unir a muchas personas para realizar algo
fantástico.
Sonia: Ves dentro de cada persona que conocistes y las reúnes en cualquier situación
que están.
Anjie: Tenes la habilidad de vivir al lado de esta gente, lo que va a servirles mucho.

Por todo esto, y lo mucho que falta por decirles, les agradezco por ser quienes son y les aliento en su servicio, ya que sin ustedes, no seriamos el mosaico mas completo. También, quisiera agradecerles a la gerente y al personal de Cuerpo de Paz porque ustedes son las artistas que nos pusieron en el mosaico entero. Ustedes saben adonde y como ponernos para que seamos lo mejor. Les quisiera agradecer a la gente de Nicaragua porque nos han dado el espacio y los materiales para realizar este mosaico de desarrollo y cultura. Nos han recibido y nos han hecho sentir bienvenidos en su pais y en sus familias. Por eso yo se que estamos en deuda con ustedes. Al final, cuando la vida se sienta dura e imposible, recuerden que el concreto que pone juntos las piezas en el mosaico tiene que ponerse duro para terminar el trabajo. Entonces, no permitan las dificultades nos rompan. Mas bien que unámonos para ser fuertes y maravillosas. Juntos seremos así.

In English:
Good morning and welcome to the representative of MINED Central Ivett Soza, Mr Embassador of the United States of America, Paul Trivelli, the National Director of Peace Corps Nicaragua Mr. George Baldino, the staff of Peace Corps Nicaragua, host families and volunteers, our special guests. My name is Sarah, volunteer with the TEFL program and to present our group, I want to express some reflections and emotions after finishing our training programming.

We began our adventure with the Peace Corps because we had seen something beautiful in the vision of this organization. Like a mural, Peace Corps invited us to come and see. We began exploring this new and exotic view. But as we began to approach this vision during training, we realized that it was more of a mosaic than a mural. There were parts that were broken or irregular. We realized there were parts that were not at all attractive within this work of art. It was not like we had first thought or perceived. For us, these rough parts were the sicknesses we got, the hardships we experienced in our jobs, the days that we felt lost or anxious, and the moments when we lost confidence in ourselves. But, the beautiful part is that the imperfections are those that make the mosaic – that without these irregularities and ugly parts, the mosaic would not be the original beauty that we see. This is the same that happens with us. The times that have been the most difficult have also been the ones that made us ready to be here today. Each one of you carries within your soul what you need to become a part of this mosaic that is Peace Corps. I want to explain this idea by describing the qualities within each of my TEFL friends…I think you will also agree that they are definitely Peace Corps mosaic material.
Scott: You are so ready and motivated to do whatever challenge comes your way –
the most adventurous of us all and always ready to learn something new. I
have no doubt you will have an amazing service.
Erin: You are so practical and level-headed. You have the patience needed to
complete your service perfectly. I always admired how you handled the
number of uncomfortable situations thrown at you during training and I have no doubt you will find the tools you need to endure the rest of your two years.
Shyra: You have the ability to adapt yourself to whatever situation you encounter.
This diversity will help you deal with the various counterparts you may have
and any number of issues that might arise.
Steph: You, my dear training buddy, are full of the passion and fire necessary to deal
with all that comes with the PC service. I know that you have more than
enough to offer to the people of Nicaragua and I am expecting to see such a rich growth during your service – not just within yourself but the many people you will work alongside.
Liz: You see the stark reality that the Nicaragua people face and yet with this
knowledge I know you will be able to do what is needed to begin changing it.
You will not wilt in the face of despair but rather will be the one that brings hope to those who so desperately need it. I know that you are going to bring about a change that will last.
Matt: You have a kindness that the youth of Nicaragua crave. I know that you will
find it useful in your friendships here in Nicaragua and it will be something
that will draw youth and adults alike into a positive thing that can bring them
more self confidence and direction.
John: You are such an amazing resource for the teachers here and I know that with
your stellar wit and ability to connect to people you will bring many of them
together, not only to improve their teaching skills but to see them blossom
within the new relationships they will encounter through your presence in
their town.
Ryan: It is not surprising that you got yourself injured playing with some Nicaraguan
youth. You have this ability to connect with whichever youth you encounter
and this will be invaluable during your service. You have the opportunity and
ability to become a mentor that these youth have wanted for some time.
Elizabeth: You are always so eager to learn new things and open to the ideas around
you. This willingness to learn will ensure that not only will you become an
amazing resource to those you work with but that you will also be more
successful, as this attitude enables people to work more closely and more
openly with you. You are going to be amazing in Chinandega.
Lara: You are so dedicated and flexible, always ready to help those around you. You
see what you have to do here and you are ready to do it, regardless of the
circumstances. The people of Nicaragua are going to be able to trust you,
which will be invaluable in your development work.
Adam: You are so chill and patient. With this calmness and steadiness, you are more
than ready to become a part of these people’s lives, listening to them and
helping them find what they need to make things happen for the positive
growth in their lives.
Diane: You are such a creative and entertaining person. I know that you will be able
to use this unique way of looking at things to stimulate the youth of Granada
in a way that will help them create a positive change in their lives. You see the things no one else does, which can lead to amazing results.
Jen: Your love for dance is going to open doors to the young women of your
town, with which they will be able to grow in their self-confidence and find
friendships that will impact their lives in a positive way.
Allie: Your experience in teaching is going to give an immense resource to the
teachers you will encounter, which will invite them to take full advantage of it.
You are going to be able to support and improve so many things within your
school and the long-term impact is going to be amazing.
Danica: Your gentleness and the way you are so kind to each person you meet is
going to invite the women of your community to learn how to live with this
same kindness and yet not lose the strength within themselves. You will be
able to teach them how to care deeply yet stand firm, which will empower
these women to become fuller versions of themselves.
Maria: Your vast experience with the Peace Corps and the teaching of English gives us
a resource like none other. You will be able to help us do our jobs so much
better, not to mention all the teachers you will be able to help in Carazo.
Joanna: Your friendship and simple availability to whoever is going to unite any
number of people to make something fantastic happen. Your artistic flair and
ability to think outside the box is going to be an amazing resource to the
people of the Isla.
Sonia: You have the ability to see inside people and meet them where there are, no
matter the circumstances. This will make all the difference within the
friendships you form over the next two years and may be just the support
some Nicas need to improve their lives.
Anjie: You have such a beautiful spirit and the unique ability to live right alongside
this people. This is going to serve them so well, just having that person who
wants to be right in there with them while connecting them to the things they
need to pull themselves out of some of the hardships they face.

For all of this, and all that I failed to mention, I thank you guys for being who you are and I encourage you in your service, because without each of you, we couldn’t be the most complete mosaic possible. I also want to thank the staff of Peace Corps because you all are like the artists who have placed us within the larger PC mosaic. You know where and how to place us so that we can be the best possible mosaic, fitting in just exactly with the rest of PC Nica and PC global. I want to thank the people of Nicaragua because you have given us the space and materials to make this mosaic of culture and development. You have received us and made us feel welcome in your country and your families. For this, I know we are in debt to you.

All this to say, when life starts to feel hard or impossible, remember that the concrete holding the pieces together in the mosaic has to become hard to finish the mosaic. So when the hardening begins in your service, don’t let it break us apart. Rather, let it draw you back into us to become strong and marvelous. Together, we will become part of the rich history that is Peace Corps and maybe our stories will invite someone else to come and see.

around the world and back

2008-07-06T12:21:00.001-05:00

29 de Junio: FLOHA
There is really nothing that scares me more than the feeling that I am falling apart. You know, when your being feels disconnected and blinded, unable to make sense of the world around you and thus impairing your choices, your words, your thoughts. Unfortunately, this is a feeling I am experiencing a lot here. For example, with the Spanish language; at times, it all flows together and I feel able to use it to communicate. But a majority of the time it’s as if the words fall apart in my mouth or dissolve on their way to my ears. Other times it’s the choices I make that look nothing like what I would do in the States. And without explanation. It’s a terrifying sensation to feel strange to oneself, as if you were foreign and unknown within. I don’t really know how to come to terms with it or even what it all means. The only thing I am clinging to is that it will eventually come together, and in the meantime, He is really good at leading the blind. I’m learning to trust Him.

HOME TO ME
I found a slice of comfort: this adorable coffee shop in the nearby large city. Teeny tiny but has nice tables to sit at and a real espresso machine. If I close my eyes, I can picture the Roasterie, with its swanky dark-stained tables and hissing clover machine in the background, sufjan floating through the notes of coffee. As I sipped my Styrofoam cup of cinnamon latte [which I will NOT throw on the ground] and walked towards my bus stop, I took joy that even when so much feels foreign, I can find pockets of familiarity.

TRANSITIONING
The clouds drift lazily across the rolling green carpet surrounding my new home. El Crucero, at 945 km above sea level, mimics a cloud forest, bringing a strong chill to the air and making the coffee crop rather successful. I will be living with a family here for 6 weeks starting July 26th, and then after that, who knows. I will work with two small urban schools, one of which is inviting me to work with the elementary school teacher! There is also an orphanage that would like English classes. It feels refreshing to know that my real work here will begin soon. Right now my life feels slightly false, as I am involved in projects that are meant to train and thus require an abrupt end. So these youth that I am getting to know and just beginning to see their hearts will no longer be a part of my daily life. Part of me aches for them, as this has occurred many times before and will continue for many more as Santa Teresa remains a training town. My hope is that these young women will resist the downward pull of the youth culture here and become leaders for the next set of youth. I still hope to return at least once a month to maintain contact with my Institute here, as they are so eager to work with Cuerpo de Paz. It’s not much, but I look forward to continuing some of the things I’ve started here. Sustainable development is much more complex when it involves honey-colored eyes, weathered hands and dusty feet. All the textbook definitions and programmatic approaches don’t directly connect to the actual people receiving/participating in the development. Herein lays my role – to translate between the two and walk this out with my neighbors.

MI SOL 30 de Junio
Eres el regalo que nunca pedi
La porcion de cielo que no mereci
Todos mis senelos sean cumplido en ti
Y no quiero perderte, no lo quiero asi
Te deje tan solo que me senti, sin ti
Y no quiero de nuevo estar asi, asi
Tomame en tus brazos soy parte te di
Soy parte de ti

CORO
Eres mi sol, luz color y vida para mi
Eres tu mi sol, estrella que a mi vida sustento
Eres tu mi sol

Lo que quiero ahora es perderme en ti
Y ser envuelta en todo lo que eres tu
Y ser envuelta en todo lo que eres tu
Te deje tan solo que me senti sin ti
Y no quiero de nuevo estar asi asi
Tomame en tus brazos soy parte de ti,
Soy parte de ti

CORO (2x)

Eres el regalo que nunca pedi
La porcion de cielo que no mereci

This is a beautiful song by two sisters from Mexico, Jessy y Joy. It has uplifted me a lot lately, though a love song to a man, it reminds me of the Great Lover. I’ll try to translate it below, but it really is most captivating in Spanish. Search it on youtube.

You are the gift I didn’t ask for
The part of heaven I didn’t deserve
All of my dreams are complete in you
And I don’t want to lose you, I don’t want it like that
I left you so alone, the way I felt without you
And I don’t want to be that way again
Take me in your arms, I am part of you
I am part of you

You are my sun, light, color and life for me
You are my sun, the star that sustains my life
You are my sun

What I want right now is to lose myself in you
And be surrounded by all that is you
And be surrounded by all that is you
I left you so alone, the way I felt without you
And I don’t want to be that way again
Take me in your arms, I am part of you
I am part of you

You are my sun, light, color and life for me
You are my sun, the star that sustains my life
You are my sun

You are the gift I didn’t ask for
The portion of heaven I didn’t deserve.

3 de Julio FLOHA PART TWO
Fog is going to be my daily companion until November or December. You wake up to his clammy fingers reaching through the windows, nipping your shoulders while you hurriedly shower and kissing your face as you wait for the mototaxi. He finally gives it a rest around midmorning but is wide awake around 5 o clock, promising to obscure your view of the lush landscape until tomorrow. I was not happy about his presence when I arrived last night to El Crucero, nor did I appreciate his clinginess as I went about my day, chilling my fingers and bared toes [because silly me, I didn’t bring clothing for wet 60 degree temperatures]. However, as we were riding back through the valley with the Ministry of Health driver, I started thinking back on the post I made a few days ago, the uncomfortability and scariness of feeling unknown to oneself. The sensation that hits me so often is one of fogginess and I’ve begun resenting it, even more so now that it is manifested in my physical surroundings. Yet as I was thinking about all this, I was admiring the gorgeous landscape I get to inhabit for two years. The calm air and freshness of it all, and how, come summertime, this will be the place to be, when the fog leaves and allows the land to present herself. In the same way, I feel like this is what is happening to me. It’s not that I’m losing myself, but rather finding this part of myself that lay dormant in my American culture. There was always this haunting feeling when I worked with Hispanic people or spoke in Spanish and then returned to middle-class white America, as if I was taking this fresh green sprout in my soul and closing if off in a musty closet [not that middle-class white America is musty...]. My most beautiful dream – was in Spanish. SO here I am, living amongst the petals of this language and realizing that this foreignness is not a loss but rather a gain. It’s rather odd to be aware of this kind of transformation, kind of like essence growing pains. But I’m learning to enjoy it, and am excited to see what this fuller version of myself looks like in the end.

junio

2008-06-16T13:46:00.001-05:00

Correr: the 52 km
Kilometer 52 outside of Santa Teresa makes itself known quietly, a simple wooden stake standing ajar amidst the weeds, flaking red paint proclaiming its name. This marker serves as a bus stop, a resting place for birds, the occasional stray marking post, tired campesino’s elbow rest, and housing for any number of insects. But for me, it calls my mind back from the clouds to the pavement under my feet. At km 52, I reign my wandering thoughts back in from whatever mix of Spanish and English they were rolling around in and begin my jog back into town. Here I push the English aside, and intentionally line up my Spanish, massaging those parts that are tired and weary, stretching myself internally just as my external self is doing. This process is a long one, a sometimes draining effort. But as I make my jogs through the beautiful landscape of my new home, I at least feel like I am actively participating in the rite of passage I have entered. As I partner with my circumstances and realities of this path, I find myself breathing rhythmically, trusting that though this might pain me now, I know that it will be stronger in the future, when I need it to be.

Whistle While You Work
Here in Nicaragua, there is an amazing array of whistles. As someone who cannot whistle very loud, if at all, I am constantly fascinated by these sounds wailing through the air. There is the hello friend, usually passed between males walking on the street or the money collectors/drivers of the buses as they fly by each other on the highways. There is the annoyed whistle, hissing across the lips of the person irritated, usually by bad driving or behavior. Another common one serves to catch a person’s attention in order to direct their attention elsewhere. This one sounds a lot like the hello friend whistle but has a distinct purpose. And of course, there is the “hey sexy lady, check you out” – the wolf whistle. This is also very common unfortunately, but I haven’t been too bothered by it yet. And it’s done universally to chelas and morenas alike, but tends to be directed towards foreigners a lot, since we stick out. I’m sure there are a lot more types with different purposes, but these are the ones I have observed so far.

Diet Changes
What a white bread, white rice, beans, 3 vegetables/fruits, 1 meat, and coke daily diet will get you: pants that have to be taken in by your awesome Nica mama and a regular date with Metamucil’s Nica cousin, Mugasen. Como es la vida.

San Antonio
How do Nicas celebrate the patron saint of marriage? By sloughing off the branches, leaves and bark of a really tall tree, tying some bags with hygiene products, money and liquor at the very top, greasing it up with mud/oil and having 6-10 wiry Nica men climb up each other while the town looks in. Add in some loud fireworks, torritos that shoot sparks all over as a kid runs it down the street chasing people, and some cumbia music that the drunks dance-fight to, and you’ve got the San Antonio Festival. It was so fun to see such a different approach to a holiday, and though I don’t know how any of our activities really honored this saint, whom I had never heard of, it was a perfect way to spend my Friday evening. Just sitting and chatting with my two sisters, my nephew and my cousin, I felt like I was where I was supposed to be. I am so looking forward to digging into my community at whatever site I end up at.

dos lados

2008-06-02T16:33:00.000-05:00

28 de Mayo Lo extrano

It is amusing to me the various things I miss. The obvious ones like family and friends and basic US comforts are not surprising. What is surprising is how much I miss certain words in English. For example, the Spanish language does not have a word for “hanging out”. The closest thing is pasar tiempo, literally pass time, but it is always made more specific, like pass time by talking or going shopping. The funny thing to me is that this is a people who hang out a lot. As in, this is something you do everyday, multiple times a day, and the borrachos do it all day on the corner. They need a word like hang out. Another word I miss is awkward. There a few words you could say here, like incomodo (uncomfortable) or raro (strange) but nothing like the word awkward – I miss it terribly! However, there are words here that we don’t have in English, like pena, which is a conglomeration of self-conciousness/shame/embarrassment. It’s rather unique and says a lot about a situation or a person. They also have a tense called vos (you), a very personal, informal way of speaking, including how you conjugate your verbs…when my dad here speaks to me over lunch about nica life in the vos form, I feel an amazing sense of security and welcoming. They also have funny English cognates, like estretch pantalones to describe leggings, and chorts for shorts. Basically it is the English word with Spanish pronunciation. These past couple days I feel like I have finally begun to play with the language instead of being stiff and bottled up. I was able to write a poetic line the other day in Spanish and it made me feel so much better. Exploring language is truly a fascinating venture.

I also miss: quiet, firework absent atmospheres [I have awakened the past 7 days at 430 to loud explosions and the band in celebration of corpus cristi], dark chocolate, pasta, numerous fruits and vegetables at my disposal, whole grain bread, cinnamon lattes from the roasterie, parks with grass, clean feet, depth of conversation, and quality music other than from my laptop. Such is life .

[It really is hard to explain just how much I miss certain foods. Almost a physical pain. Rather odd.]

Esperanza: 1 de Junio
Today’s La Prensa, the national newspaper, had a story about the 14,000 people who will be out of a job when Hanes leaves Nicaragua. They are pulling out because of the current president’s stance on the textile factories. [I do not fully understand all the details of how this works, so I won’t pretend to explain why this is happening.] What is apparent to me is the heaviness of poverty. There are already too many people without jobs. Gas prices continue to climb and the strike will recommence tomorrow. That means that many more people will not be able to travel to their jobs and the families of the transportistas will go without. For me, it is simply an inconvenience, something that makes my time a bit more uncomfortable, since I can’t leave my site and our resources become slightly strained. But for many others, they will listen to their rumbling stomachs and peer out at a seemingly impossible situation. There are people here who live to day to day eating nothing but tortillas made from a grain given to animals, no water, no electricity, no way to get out of their situation. This inhumanity demands my attention. This is part of why I am here. Jesus said that the poor will always be with you, and as Shane Claiborne explains in his book Irresistible Revolution, this is not because poverty cannot end but because the poor will find rest and a place within the church. But how many poor folks are in your church today? I know for my church back home, not many, if any at all. Now, what I am NOT suggesting you do is go round up some homeless people to appease your conscience. The fact is that the Church is not a building or a program, but us - people who have been restored and invited along by Jesus. For this reason, I am asking us to consider what we, as the body, the Church, are doing. Are there parts of us that are gangrenous from hunger and disease? Leprous with despair? What are we going to do? It is no longer enough to feel sorry for these people, or even to sport a t-shirt that gave part of the proceeds to a random charity [Has that ever really been enough…]. What is necessary, I am coming to believe, is exactly as Claiborne and others have said…to join them. To take our place next to our brothers and sisters, believing Jesus wasn’t kidding when He said what you do to the least of these, you do to Him. We, as the Church, are to go to them, to mourn with those who are mourning and rejoice with those who rejoice. This is not just stereotypically poor people either – there are very rich people who I believe are completely impoverished of spirit. There are middle-class families impoverished of love. Poverty has many faces. As I look into my two years here, I am overwhelmed by the implications of this kind of living. I don’t really know how to do it. But rather than give up my esperanza (hope), I will do my best to get to know my brothers and sisters here. Who is the woman who makes my pan dulce? What is the reason the man on the corner goes barefoot? What makes my younger sister here get excited? It is not about creating massive relief programs, but rather getting to know my neighbor. That way, when I love them, it’s because I know their name and who they are…a genuine care and concern in the lives of those around me, not a generic “Christian” love that leaves people faceless. And you don’t need to live in a third world country to do that.

PS: I realize, in retrospect, that some of the things I throw out there are rather raw. They might make you uncomfortable. Please understand that none of this is in judgment or manipulation…these are just things that I am facing here for myself and I want to invite anyone who is interested to come along.

PPS: And in all of this, the only possibility of doing any of it is His grace. Trust me. There is not a single thing I could do here with kingdom impact without His help. I am not out to be some righteous do-gooder. But I do want to follow Him better, and that involves asking some tough questions.

And thank you to all who have been so encouraging and supportive of my writing…it really is humbling to have people tell you that what you write connects with them. I cherish being able to share this with you all and have you receive it.

va pues

2008-05-27T13:36:00.002-05:00

Lluvia

The air is pregnant with waiting. Clouds loom and my spirit is weary, aching for the water to finally break through and calm the dust beneath my feet. Listlessness rumbles along the streets and we all watch expectantly. Lightening flashes and all hold their breath, hoping. Finally, finally, the pinging overhead begins. Slight and soft at first, then increasingly faster, forcing everything out of its path. As I sit on this little bench underneath the overhang, I breathe a sigh of relief. All day I have been waiting for this release, and as the water rushes by below my chacos, I am surprised by how much the environment here affects me. There is this silent dialogue passing between my being and the land I am inhabiting. It’s as if he knew I was heavy with this task before me, as he was weighted with the rain overhead. And in midst of the downpour, I found myself letting it rest awhile. By far the most refreshing rain I’ve experienced in a while.

Loss

There is an inexplicable sadness that comes with straddling two language spheres. I’ve never really experienced this before, as my times of immersion into a foreign tongue were temporary. Think about the past hour. How many times did you interact with someone? Maybe not in full sentences, or even with words, but there was this ability to communicate your intentions and be understood. When you are living in a language other than your own, the chances of you getting to experience this kind of interaction are slim to none. These kinds of interactions take few if any words, but that is because below the surface dwells an entire world of language, idioms and shared experiences that enable the absence of spoken word. Here there is inevitable lack of language and an inherent stiffness from living within this new garment. Then there is the distance of new relationships, only furthered by my inability to connect. On top of all this, there is the desperate clawing to hold firmly to this new language, only to find it as water, fluid and ever-changing. As I sat in my Spanish class today, I felt this sorrow rise up, a heart aching to connect on a deeper level than my new friendships in English and developing relationships in Spanish. When I speak my mother tongue, I feel like I’m cheating myself out of a chance to further my Spanish relationships, yet not finding the satisfaction that comes from conversations with old friends. When I speak my new language, I often feel small and unsure, aware of my limits and hungry for them to expand. People of course are patient and helpful towards me, but there is this invisibility that comes with learning a new language. I do not have the words to convey much of myself, nor can I fully understand and engage these new friends I am making. The hardest part of this is realizing that my ability to succeed here, to become a part of a community and gain relationships that give rise to development, depends on my ability to communicate. And this is a slow and winding road. Frost said he took the road less traveled, and that made all the difference. What he did not speak of was the fear and doubt that dwell in the shadows of that path, nor the weariness that accompanies a trip into the wild unknown. But it is this bigger “all the difference” that I came for and I knew that days like this would come. I decided a while ago to embrace all that came my way, the lovely and the foul, to be grateful for all that I was allowed to experience. So as I sit in this grey place of vacant language, I will remember the beautiful conversations I have had in the past and look forward to the days that my speech is colored brilliantly in Spanish.

Affection

When you don’t have much else, there remains the love within you can offer. I am searching for how to love in this new place. It looks different than I thought it might.

Typical

This is me, on a typical weekday night. Spanish music playing on my laptop. Numerous Peace Corps assigned books strewn across my lap and tabletop. Full calendar dictating my every move this week. Drying clothing hanging overhead waiting to be ironed. Chinelas on my feet. And yes, my green fleece sweatshirt. I must be adapting.

fin de semana

2008-05-17T12:23:00.000-05:00

Andando: 12 de Mayo

Today was a day of firsts. My first Spanish class. My first tour of the city. My first non-host family self-directed conversation. My first day using the internet café [at 80 cents an hour, or 15 cordobas]. My first day feeling like this city could become partially mine. And though I was tempted to be frustrated with my Spanish class or feel worn out by the heat or uncomfortable with the food situation [without transportation, the markets selling fruits and vegetables are closed]…I found myself that much more grateful and adjusting. When the time driven self objected to the content of our Spanish class, my aspirante self said “poco a poco”…remembering that this journey comes little by little. And in taking this poco a poco, I met a new couple that I will eat lunch with tomorrow, had time to play uno with my little friends, laughed about the wheelchair named Chele (whitey) after those who gave it to this boy, ate cookies and Coke with a quarter of the town at a wake and simply lived among my family. Nicaragua is a country where there is not only the space but the invitation to wade knee deep.

Maestras: 12 de Mayo

I have found that the best place to learn a language is with those at least 10 or more years younger than you. As I have played game after game with my sister and nephew and various cousins, I find myself slipping in Nica Spanish….the dropped s’s, the various phrases, the rhythm of this beautiful language. And the best part? This practice has been attuning my ear to where I am able to understand at least one stream of Spanish around me, albeit with much concentration. So gracias a Dios for Carlitos y Athzyris. They stand as the cornerstone to my Peace Corps service.

Fea: 14 de Mayo

The fascinating part of living in another culture is that inevitably parts of you will collide with parts of it and become messy. For example, I do not live well “poco a poco”. A lifestyle that makes sense here does not come intuitively to me. And in this process, I keep discovering parts of myself that are a bit ugly. The funny part to me is how much pena [embarrassment/shame] it brings me, even though those parts did not just appear in Nicaragua. Rather, Nicaragua has laid parts of me open, and here I find those things which I wish were not there. All day today I wanted to get upset and frustrated by it all, to let it consume me, either the emotions themselves or the shame I felt from experiencing them. But as I rode back to my pueblo listening to the other aspirantes around me, I felt this calmness about just being human. Why do I insist on this perfection, this unattainable standard? I don’t want to live that way. So I’ll drink my Coke and listen to my gringa music and remember that tomorrow is a new day. It might end up just as ugly as today felt, but the hope is that nothing stays ugly forever. [Except cockroaches. I think those will be ugly always.]

Mosquitera: 16 de Mayo

I woke up this morning slightly chilled…not to the point of being uncomfortable, but when the skin is cool to the touch. My lovely mosquito net wafted around me as the wind blew through it from my tiny window, twirling with the roosters cries and the murmur of a pueblo waking up. I was actually sad today when training was held in an air conditioned room. I’ve come to the conclusion that we really weren’t meant to live in an artificial space. Sure, I have lots of bugs visit me [mosquite bite count up to 14]. Sure, sometimes it is really too hot. But in all of this there is this connection to each other through your environment. While in the States, we shut our doors and windows and lock ourselves from the elements, here they open all possible airways and let it all flow together. Consequently, the human interaction is very different as well. In the States, you don’t know many, if any, of your neighbors. You don’t call to passer-bys or have unannounced guests. You definitely don’t spend a majority of your time chatting with those outside your house or workplace. But here, people aren’t as territorial or rigid about their space. As their windows and doors open, so does their idea about who is welcome. It is not secluded to those within the house or even people you know. Every person receives a buenas or an adios or a como le fue. The space people dwell in is very fluid, winding from house to street to patio to another house. To some, this sounds very messy and uncomfortable. And it certainly can be. But I’m finding that the threading together of a people through this exchange is way more important than having an orderly domain. Sometimes I wonder if our “keeping out the elements” is really “keeping out other people”. We have all been in that space where someone left a mess in our lives. And none of us really enjoy that experience. But I’m becoming convinced that as painful as some of that might be, the truth is that I was made to be in relation with those around me. I believe that my ability to be fully alive comes from sharing in experiences with others. Try it. Spend an evening on your porch and call out to all who pass. Sit in the park for a while and connect with those around you. It may feel awkward and scary at first, but I think you’ll find that you like it.

series

2008-05-12T17:31:00.001-05:00

BAUTISMO:

My mind is a dance of English and Spanish, the English leading while the Spanish moves swiftly to come to the forefront. My family and I are sitting near the doorway, listening to the firecrackers and distant thunder. It appears there is a parallel between the natural and our creations. Finally, it is time. Prayers echo out of the speaker on top of a slow moving car, the nearby church attendees all holding candles and singing praise. It is the procession of Santisimo, the celebration of the host and the miracle of the Spirit’s indwelling. We weave our way around other faithful and begin walking in step with the nuns. I can’t quite catch all the words, but I recognize Jesus’ instructed prayer and I feel at peace, knowing that my faith translates across language. As we round the blocks and past the church, it begins to rain. Just slightly. By the time we find ourselves back home, the rain begins to pour. And as I laid underneath the heady mosquito net listening to the pounding on the tin roof, I find strange identification with the procession we just had and the soaking rain above my head. While my townspeople were celebrating the miracle of the Spirit’s indwelling in one part of their faith, I felt like my Father was infusing me with His Spirit once more, baptizing me and reminding me that He goes with me. And that was enough to set me at peace and draw me into restful sleep.

LAVANDERIA:

I awoke this morning to the clattering palomitas on my roof and the rising heat wafting into my upstairs window. Climbing out of bed, I realized I have a ton of laundry. Now, there are no washing machines or press the button type chores. Everything is dependent on your own muscles, your own creative devices. As I drank café y picos with my Nica mama, I asked her if she could show me how to wash my clothes. She smiled widely and took me to the backyard. In 30 seconds, she had my skirt tumbling across the cement ridges with a teal soap brick in her hand. Watching her, I thought, this will be no problem. I can handle this. And then it was my turn. I don’t know how anyone could feel uneducated doing laundry, but I certainly did. My hands awkward and timid, water and clothing spreading across the countertops, with a certain humility and appreciation swelling in my chest. It took me a good 3 minutes to wash my first t-shirt. But Dona proved so patient and kind, she allowed me to continue washing and did not insist on standing over me or doing it for me.

With my clothes dripping in a colorful array across our cement backyard, I smiled and thought to myself, si se puedo. I can do this. I might falter and slip and make huge errors, but there is something within me that is adapt to growing in these kinds of unfamiliar places. I began to think of the day when laundry washing and making gallo pinto will be second nature. And the fact that this is my path gives me great hope for the coming two years.

PS: I even ironed all of it tonight. How bout that?!?

SIENTASE:

This is something offered to me multiple times a day – the invitation to sit. I’ve only been here two days, but already I can tell there is so much more to sitting than sitting. It is not just the action of placing your sweating self into the proffered rocking chair or plastic silla. It encompasses being a part of the community around you. People are coming and “sitting” all day. I know that right now my experience is only two things: invitation to sit and rest or sit and participate, but I am excited to perfect the art of sitting with people. It was something I had begun to explore back home, particularly with my pals Sara and Lauren, but here, this is what you do. There is not much else, especially on the weekends [and DEFINITELY during a transportation strike], and there are at least 3 hours of the day that demand you to sit – to do anything else results in major fatigue and buckets of sweat. My American self is rather worn out by all the sitting and missing chunks of language, but my global soul is excited to learn this ancient art of loving people by just being with them. I’ll keep you posted on how it goes.

Mosquito bites: 5
Sunburn: 0
Parasites:0
Crying fests: 2 little bits
Massive Bugs: 0

I can handle these counts…let’s keep hoping they stay this good.

(buenas tardes to everyone...i have an internet cafe in my town, so these will be coming once a week or so. much love!)

ojala

2008-05-08T22:04:00.002-05:00

well. i'm here. :)

nica hugs you the minute you get off the plane. the hot air just engulfs you and spanish winds its way into your ears. palm trees and gorgeous flora line the open air walkways between rooms. and the people. i can't explain the comraderie you feel in peace corps...the staff, from the country director to the admin officers make you feel like you could talk to them about anything....this being a very valuable trait considering these will be the people i call when i find myself in a jam. the trainees and i have been enjoying great food and posh rooms and a pool. the surroundings make for a good place to unwind and get to know each other better after the long day of training.

having current volunteers here has also helped immensely...there is something about looking at someone who has done it for a year or two years that quiets all those irrational fears. it's been a great beginning to what i hope to be an amazing viaje.

tomorrow we have 3 hours of language training to further determine our levels and place us in our training town groups. Then its off to tour managua [supposing the transportation strike is over...] and saturday we meet our host families. I am so stoked! more later when i get internet again....let me know how you are!!

predetermined

2008-05-04T10:51:00.002-05:00

my mother just brought me this jaggedy, blue bic pen drawing of a orange laden tree in a grassy field. on it, it says "I'd be a Floride orange tree, so I would always be warm and I'd give people vitamin C." on the back, Sarah, age 12, Dec 96.

well. i'm not an orange tree, but i am going somewhere warm to help people. quite the appropriate gift for my last day in the states...when doubts begin to surface and fear begins to rise.

i am ready for this.

connections

2008-05-02T01:21:00.002-05:00

alright folks. i have been adding a plethora of ways to contact me while i am away and they are as follows:

snail mail: Sarah Ternes, PCT | Voluntario del Cuerpo de Paz| Apartado Postal 3256 | Managua, Nicaragua | Central America [this is good for letters or bubble envelope packages...avoid boxes]

email: sarah.ternes@gmail.com

googlechat: same as above

skype: this is the cool one....if you download skype and have a mike (you can buy a cheap headset with a mike at walmart) we can talk for free! there are wireless cafes in Nica that i might get access to occasionally, and you can bet i'll be calling some people. it is really easy to use: go to skype.com and download, create your account and search my name or nicasarah08. then you're done.

cell phone: i will most likely get a cell in nica, but no telling how all that will work. there is also a possibility of me getting a local number for my skype so you could pick up your cell and call me on my computer.

live messenger: like skype, but has video capacity...i will probably just link my video to skype.

also feel free to explore carrier pigeons and smoke signals, though the former could be seen as animal cruelty and there's no telling how well i'll be able to read smoke signals. or you could just jump on a plane and come see me...this will be an option after october. :)

chaos

2008-04-29T22:33:00.004-05:00

anyone who knows me knows that i like to organize and order and get things together and streamlined. i do it in my work, my schedule, and sometimes my relationships (sometimes a downfall). hence, you can imagine what this is doing to me...

SO...it's 10:41 and i've begun packing. more than likely i will have to remove everything and start over tomorrow, but for right now, i cannot help myself. and of course, a bag of Dove dark chocolate sits by my side with some fabulous mix playlists in the background. i love how our quirks and those things so rooted within us emerge when our surroundings toss us around.

PS: NO i am not taking all that stuff...much of it is from KC that i haven't unpacked yet. geez.

rich

2008-04-25T00:30:00.002-05:00

my dear readers, did you know that i am actually a very wealthy person? beyond wealthy. an inheritance that cannot be exhausted. there are these people in my life that know no bounds to kindness and generosity. their capacity for good is full enough to spill over any capacity for evil, allowing the light of the Father to transform and renew all things. i just feel so humbled by their love and acceptance. each of you has reminded me of the One who loves extravagantly. and in this, i am so glad to have you along this journey with me, to whatever degree.

"when the winds of change feel too strong, close your eyes and let the breeze blow through your hair."

solidarity

2008-04-18T23:46:00.002-05:00

bah. i can't form these thoughts into precise words, and it's bothering me. family. community. shane claiborne. nicaragua. all these things swirling together and inspiring me, but i don't have the language to convey them yet. it will be forthcoming.

in the meantime, i offer you my all-time favorite laffy taffy joke.

what's brown and sticky?

[a stick]

don't ask me why i like it so much...just do.

me rompiste

2008-04-17T14:27:00.002-05:00

fix you [coldplay]

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home,
And ignite your bones,
And I will try to fix you,

High up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And I

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

what's more amazing is the young@heart group performing this on youtube. check it out.

i really can't say where i am at with everything right now. ask me after next tuesday.

postscript

2008-04-10T00:07:00.004-05:00

i booked my flight...on American Airlines. Right. the ones they keep grounding. i fly out at 610am May 5th...registration starts in DC at 130p. this could get interesting.

AND the office returns. tomorrow. so of course, i will be donning loafers, headband and judgemental stare to become Angela for the fabulous office shindig at sara's. trivia, jello molds and soft pretzels.

i heart days off. and jim halpert.

sampling

2008-04-09T16:32:00.002-05:00

some things i've been enjoying/inspired by as of late...

"The hour is striking so close above me,
so clear and sharp,
that all my senses ring with it.
I feel it now, there's a power in me
to grasp and give shape to my world.

I know that nothing has ever been real
without my beholding it.
All becoming has needed me.
My looking ripens things
and they come toward me, to meet and be met."
[Rainier Maria Rilke]

"You gotta spend some time--love, you gotta spend some time with me
And I know that you'll find--love, I will possess your heart"
[Death Cab for Cutie]

"The great paradox and humor of God's audacious power; a stuttering prophet will be the voice of God, a barren old lady will become the mother of a nation, a shepherd boy will become their king, and a homeless baby will lead them home."
[Shane Claiborne, Jesus for President]

"Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace;
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
Where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,
Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
To be understood, as to understand;
To be loved, as to love;
For it is in giving that we receive,
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

Amen"
[St. Francis of Assisi]

pulse

2008-04-05T10:50:00.002-05:00

it's about 545PM and i'm heading with my buddy lauren to meet some friends, our bags filled with pb&j and little water bottles in the back. we join up with our six guy friends and begin driving, to areas most of us haven't been or don't want to go. we are physically pulling ourselves out of our comfort zones, each boundary line a little different, but by the time we hit 10th and Troost, we all feel it.

as we step into the darkened KC streets, there is not one of us that doesn't feel a little bit awkward or uncomfortable. as casually as we are dressed, we stand out with our brand name sneakers and my white and orange bag. ok, I stand out a lot. but ten white people on a neighborhood that most white people choose to avoid or at least drive through are going to stand out. i'm sure they are all asking the same question we are, "what are they doing here?"

Jesus said that to do to the least of these, you do to Him. you feed someone who is hungry, you are feeding Jesus. you give someone shelter, you are sheltering Jesus. this was the driving force behind our night, but more than that, i wanted to share in the humanity of our city. you can drive through KC in your locked car, tunes up and miss quite a lot of it. i wanted to sit and eat with them, to look into their eyes and extend acceptance. i wanted to hear their stories and learn from their life. but all of this requires that initial contact, that first entrance into the city. and it was similar to jumping in a cold pool headfirst.

we stopped at the bus stop. we walked all around various blocks. people crossed the street when they saw us coming. but as we walked, the pulse of the city began to rise up. the fear and insecurities i came in with fell away, fluttering on the pavement like strewn paper; as i ate my pb&j on a bench and smiled at passing people, and they smiled back; as i approached a man named John with a bloodied face and shook his hand; as i looked into Darryl teary eyes and Kevin's heavy ones. and in their place, i felt love and connection rise up. these people are my brothers. my fellow humanity. people that for one reason or another have been discarded by we who call ourselves civilized. i don't even care why they are there - all i care about is if they are hungry and willing to eat with me. if they need to talk and want to share. if they are thirsty and willing to drink with me. my goal was not to end their poverty or "fix it" or even to tell them about Jesus. my goal was simply to live with them, and not just once hopefully, but in a sustaining way that extends friendship. granted, i am leaving shortly, but i know that there will be part of my community growing with their community. and that gets me excited.

and in all of it, i became that much more excited to leave for Peace Corps. this is what i get to do for the next two years...to move into a place of living that is much poorer and different than my situation, but is currently home to my future family. i will live as they live and learn from them, trying to experience the world through their eyes. i can't imagine a richer experience.

hammocks

2008-04-01T11:07:00.002-05:00

things i am inevitably looking forward to:
-hammocks. lots of them
-hot weather. not just warm, but HOT.
-living in Spanish
-fruit trees
-lakes and volcanoes inviting me to explore
-hospitality
-meeting people with the same mission as me
-teaching again!
-wearing cotton dresses and sandals every day
-sleeping under mosquito net...i know that sounds odd, but it's true
-living simply

things i am NOT looking forward to and thus am trying to prepare myself for:
-bugs. all of them. in all varieties.
-machismo...i wonder how long i can patiently handle the hissing and cat calls
-gallo pinto: rice and beans, fried and then refried for the next meal
-code switching - that part of language transition that makes you feel stuck
-loneliness/homesickness - this is inevitable

i talked to the Nica desk today, and all things in my file are a go, no last minute hitches, thank goodness. staging kits get mailed the end of this week. by next week, i will have my flight info for flying to DC for staging. that is when it gets really real.

i'm finding myself thinking in a lot of "lasts". like, this is my last free weekend in KC. or that was my last time to be home before i come home to pack. or, this can NOT be my last margarita at Cactus Grill with my friends. i don't know if this is really helpful, but i find myself wanting to soak up as much as i can while i am here. and while i know many of my closest friends will still be here when i return, i don't know how that will look when i get back. and that's where i have to stop my over analytical mind because otherwise i'll get sick. so here's to soaking up the last goodies of the good ol US of A. if you are a KCer and have a "last time" thing we should do, let me know!

hide 'n' seek

2008-04-01T00:44:00.003-05:00

i think my friend chris said it best tonight with "as i come up on my 25th birthday, i am finally ready to accept my existence."

to accept oneself. period. to stop picking and playing and pretending - to just be and do and live.

i have been coming into an acceptance or unfolding of my own. it's been a thing of deconstruction, like paint thinner slowly eroding the layers of oil paint on my canvases. as the critical eye was replaced with a gentle one, i have found myself unpainted, unstyled, quieted and vulnerable. and in this i have found myself coming out, the one that hides in fear and panders for praise. as i look at myself, i can smile and say ok. i can peer into my thoughts and receive them. i can embrace my sensations and respond, without fear. i have found a peace within myself. that doesn't mean it isn't threatened many times a day - not everyone will find my wild hair attractive. but more importantly, i'm allowing myself to become a fluid thing - a person in progress, right where she needs to be. and in allowing myself to be in this space, i can allow others to let their hair down and lower their guard. this plays into part of the role i feel i am called to play in this life - to see beyond the exterior self into who the person really is - beyond wounds and false images and broken dreams. to look into that person's eyes, smile and receive them - to let them know they are ok. and to invite them out of their cramped cages into the wide open of becoming who they are meant to be. and when they can't come out of that cage, to sit with them until they have courage enough to emerge. isaiah 61 puts it much more precisely - to set free the captives, bind up the brokenhearted, preach the good news to the poor, to comfort those who mourn.

not all will receive this as i have found recently. but the comforting part is that this space i find myself in doesn't require the approval or validation of another. and it does not require me to push anyone to accept or receive me. to let things be where they are, trusting that growth and light and goodness will not be overcome.

solidarity is becoming a concept i desire to embody greatly. this very near trip to live in nicaragua is an invitation to begin this process. to live as they live (though not completely, as PC tends to pay more than our counterparts receive) in hopes of giving and receiving in the life they are leading. not that it is about nicaragua solely nor the idea that "i can change the world because i possess x". rather, i find myself earnest to connect the threads of humanity in hopes of reminding us all where we came from and where we are headed. to shake out the false ideas and replace them with simple truths. to learn what "life" means in another language.

i am so excited to begin this next chapter of my life. the chance to step out of those things i desperately cling to and my romantic notions of living amongst the poor. to have my ideals confronted head on and my dreams shaken. to be tested, challenged and come out refined and alive. 34 days!!!

tangent

2008-03-22T22:17:00.002-05:00

soh-cah-toa!

i feel like i got a little lost last week. time has become a funny facet of my experience lately. the passing and preserving and pacing and racing of this measurement has seemed rather awkward lately. perhaps it is my inward wrestling with the countdown to nica.

44 days. in 14 days, it will be exactly one month away. this inevitably begs the question of how does one emerge from a life she has so fully thrown herself into here to dive into another extension of that life in a totally foreign environment? it's coming to that point of transition where i begin to dread the impending separation and start berating myself for having gotten so fully involved in the current life. especially this time around, as i KNEW it would be extraordinarily short. but then i stop myself. i am learning to wade knee deep. i am learning to be all of me in whatever place. i am learning that life is best lived when you are fully engaged, alive in your current moment. the overwhelming sense has been one of satiation, yet also a struggle between micro and macro lenses. i have immersed myself into a heart ministry with three, soon to be four teen girls. i have poured out and become vulnerable with a handful of amazing people. i have stayed with a community of brothers and sisters. and all of this makes it that much harder to leave.

but i am not dying. not wholly, anyways. sure, there are parts of me that will inevitably fall away in this next season. and i'm hoping tons more that will sprout up and grow strong. my fear is then returning to this place i am leaving, and finding that i no longer fit. but my hope is in knowing that some people are taking this journey with me...in heart and spirit. and while we will both be different, i am so thankful to have travel companions across the miles.

in less philosophical news, i decided that i can only eat so much easter candy before i feel wretched. and that amount is much smaller than i anticipated. part of me is rejoicing, as this means less self-control is needed, but part of me is ill with the realization that the limit was reached two chocolate eggs ago and now i get to hang out with the stomach ache. time to hit up the vegetables...bunny eared bell pepper anyone?

happy easter my fellow bloggers. no matter your beliefs or position with God right now, my hope is that in some moment of today you will experience the love of Christ. that it would reach to the depths of your being and remind you of what you were created for. and that from there, a new branch may begin to spring up. that the man who died so many years ago would become real to you - not a story or a theology or an excuse or place to debate, but a real man that lived to do the will of His Father. and that this will was to die that you might live. to bring you home to the One who created you to know Him. maybe you won't make any life changing decisions today, but maybe you'll allow Him to tell you how He sees you. i have found that those moments impact me profoundly.

word cascade

2008-03-15T15:58:00.002-05:00

thin fingers grip that samsung
like its her lifeline
the pain in heart masked
by the eyeliner and sass
but i see it. oh, i see it.

and it begs me to look away
ignore it and pretend all's
happy and whole
but i can't, no, i can't

driving fast with the singer wailing
like the wind might carry her
away
but it remains
clutching the fabric of her soul
drawing her down, down

and it begs me to look away
ignore it and pretend all's
happy and well
but i can't, no i can't

is love stronger than her fear?
is light able to cleanse her heart?
can those shackles really fall?

kingdom rules say yes, but i don't know
so i smile at her and take her hand
singing along and hoping
the wind might carry us away.

confession

2008-03-10T12:53:00.003-05:00

some people have no issue having crushes on celebrities, historical figures or even fictional characters. i have never really been prone to this sort of interest until last night. i found my very first historical figure crush - ernesto che guevara.

so i'm telling this to luke over coffee, when he looks at me and says "he was kind of a communist. and killed lots of people."

oh right.

well...you watch motorcycle diaries and see if you don't fall in love with him. unless you're male. and conservative. and against communism. ok, a lot of you probably wouldn't. really i shouldn't. i am not about armed revolution. but his love and concern for the least of these...his desire to connect with the poor and sick, showing them dignity and respect. his inability to let things remain as they were. those things are attractive.

the interesting part of it all to me is that some of the things that drove che were similar to the things that Jesus cared about. but when we try to move forward in these things without the love of Jesus...we end up hurting a lot of people. it is good for me to remember this.

and i am SO STOKED about living in Spanish real soon.

union

2008-03-08T08:53:00.002-06:00

today two of my ichthus pals are getting married. childhood playmates, high school sweethearts and after a reprieve, they chose to become lovers for life. i am thrilled for these two and the journey they are beginning, but this one among many wedding occasions is stirring something within.

i think my idea of marriage is skewed and scarred by an irreverent culture, controlling religion and plain old fear. i know in my heart of hearts it is a fantastic gift. yet lately there has been a bittersweetness to it all. i thought at first that i was just jealous, just selfishly unable to rejoice with those who rejoice. but it persisted, this nagging sadness, and this morning as i ran, i began to peruse it.

sure, there are all the issues of my being single/leaving the country and everything i know for two years that color this. but underneath it all is this sense of loss. i have heard friends say, "oh i lost my friend to a girl" when this friend gets a new girlfriend. or this sense of finality as the ring slips on the finger, as if all the friends are saying farewell. what i know about marriage tells me that this is ok, that this is part of it. the man and woman shall leave and become one...the union of two becoming one front. obviously, friendships will change. the best friend is now the husband, not the roommate from college. this is the logical order of things and proper. right?

this is my issue. i feel like a chasm opens up between single and married friends. i have watched best friends stop talking to each other. i have heard and been a part of the cynicism on the single side, and experienced a sense of arrogance from some married friends. "oh, until you're married, you just can't understand..." but again, there's a part of me that says, this is ok, this is how it should be. it's just how it is. even from the point of living missionally, it makes "sense." married people have the mission of their marriage and thus this creates a bond. single people have time/room for other missions, so they can bond through this.

but below all of it, there is this ache that says absolutely not. with the divorce rate at 50% and raising, both Christian and non-Christian, something tells me that something is not as it should be. if we are all part of the body, i don't think that there should be this split between married and non-married. i don't agree that marriage should be your greatest mission in life. i think that marriage should empower the two united to live out their mission better...not leaving it behind to make your union itself the mission. if marriage is meant to reflect the relationship between Christ and His church, shouldn't marriage then be inviting, drawing people into their experience? shouldn't it reflect the pouring out and serving that flows out of the relationship between Jesus and His people?

i'm not saying i know how any of that plays out. obviously. i'm not married. but i definitely think that the way we approach marriage is not accurate these days.

i know that marriage in a lot of ways has to be between the two married. i also know that there has to be time and energy and intention placed on loving each other well. i just feel like in some ways we have swung to the extreme, encouraging ingrown, closed off relationships that stifle and wither. and when they do, we don't want to see it or say anything. so people suffer and wither within themselves. i just feel like the church should be different. i feel like we need to wake up...to get some perspective. i'm not saying don't get married...i hope to be married one day myself. all i'm saying is, does your union reflect the union Christ created with His people? does it invite people in or shut them out? does it resemble two people facing forward together, or facing each other? is it your ultimate mission, or does it enable a greater one?

i know a couple that i feel represent this. dean and jenny lead my pastorate, and i adore them. they are both uniquely themselves and yet totally "married". their love is simple yet clearly spoken. and it invites. never once have i felt uncomfortable in their presence, like i was imposing upon their relationship. it's their marriage that has created a foundation of love that pours out into our group and individuals. and all this i can see simply from interacting with them at group. i don't know the ins and outs of their marriage, how he folds his laundry or how she cooks spaghetti. the point is i don't need to know. you can spot a healthy marriage, a life-giving one, from miles away.

this is my prayer for zach and kristen today, and all my newly engaged friends. that they would be able walk through this next part of their journey facing forward, embracing each other yet inviting others into the joy they are experiencing. that this union brings more life than could be found separate.

*stepping off soapbox and begging for mercy from the indignant crowd*

wtf

2008-02-29T00:02:00.002-06:00

so for those of you who did summer staff with me or happen to go to Christ Church might recall this little quote

"irrational fear: bugs crawling all over me....it's part of the reason i didn't join peace corps!"

here i am several months later, having decided that a phobia was not enough reason to miss out on an amazing opportunity...and really, how many critters could there be?

lots. tarantulas. scorpions. 1.5 inch cockroaches. *expletive*.

i mean, it's not enough to keep me from going obviously, but i get disturbed with every new horror story i come across in my nica blog perusals. does anyone think that packing a two year supply of raid is silly???

[and these are only the bugs on the outside. the number of parasites i may encounter in my pcv experience are innumerable. awesome.]

sexy

2008-02-24T12:58:00.002-06:00

"You can't be connected with God until you're at peace with who you are. If you're still upset that God gave you this body or this life or this family or these circumstances, you will never be able to connect with God in a healthy, thriving, sustainable sort of way. You'll be at odds with your maker. And if you can't come to terms with who you are and the life you've been given, you'll never be able to accept others and how they were made and the lives they've been given. And until you're at peace with God and those around you, you will continue to struggle with your role on the planet, your part to play in the ongoing creation of the universe. You will continue to struggle and resist and fail to connect."

[Rob Bell, 'Sex God']

This passage really challenges me. I love this idea of sexuality being rooted in a desire to connect...a counter to our current state, which is disconnect - from God, ourselves, others, the earth, etc. We feel it and see it and hear it. We know that things are not as they should be. C.S. Lewis talks about people having a sense of right and wrong, the universal understanding that it is not ok to harm others, or to deceive others - even though we all do. It's the understanding that this is how things should be, but this is how they are. Disconnect.

So it is in connecting to others and to God and to our surroundings that helps us feel alive, to feel purpose, to feel "right". That things become more like they "should be". If this is what I'm going for, how then can I be implicitly disconnected with myself because I can't accept this or that? When I divorce a part of myself from myself out of repulsion or dislike, I split that which was meant to be whole, to be cohesive. This will inevitably alter how I relate to others. How many people have issues opening up and connecting with people because of an insecurity (nonacceptance) within themselves, leading to dissension, jealousy, fear, anger and a general breakdown of relating? I know I can attest to that.

Rob Bell then goes on to tell a story about his son asking what sexy meant....his wife replied that sexy is when it feels good to be in your own skin...when you love being you.

The full acceptance of yourself. The ability to then accept others as they are. Now THAT is attractive.

Here's to bringing sexy back.

shout out

2008-02-24T02:56:00.004-06:00

so i'm checking out peacecorpsjournals.com to see what i can glean from fellow nica volunteers, and what do i find?

my blog. listed from january 9th. what the...?

welcome to government employment. :)

so buenas noches to any of my future family in nica...can't wait to meet you all and do this pc thing!

ps: got fitted in my osprey pack today, and found it online for 50 bucks cheaper, no tax and free shipping. stellar. that being said...if anyone needs a new red rolling luggage set, hit me up. i've got a pair i need to sell you!

70 days...not 43 like i so miscounted the other day. whew.

absorb

2008-02-22T22:54:00.002-06:00

as i wandered through blue moon winter ale and decaf cinnamon cafe au lait, i realized that manhattan has become a place of restful enjoyment. not just in beverage. or surroundings. or company. rather, it's like picking up that lopsided water pitcher you formed and filling it with the coldest sweet tea, refreshing on the hottest days. it's realizing that the time spent to bring forth this space, this place of a certain self and its actualization, was utterly worth it. and behind my own grasping hands were the hands of someone much more skilled than me. so now that i am looking back at that pitcher, i see not the cracks or wobbly handle, but a vessel of unique beauty and function. and it makes me so thankful i got to walk through that. all the hell and wonder, the waiting and receiving, the giving and taking.

it gives me hope as i am fashioning this part of my life. i don't know what i am making or really what each move might make in the end, but i have learned to appreciate the process. and trust that no matter what the final product is, it is lovely and not without specific purpose. there is great artistic freedom in this realization.

maybe you don't think you are an artist. you don't paint or play an instrument or dance en pointe. but trust me when i say, that you are an artist...the image of the Artist is graven in your very DNA. do it. say "i am an artist". and then figure out some way to do that...be it pencil sketches, scrapbooks, piano arpeggios or african dance. or organizing desk drawers. or creating starburst wrapper chains. create! put that energy into something creative. it doesn't matter if it's overtly attractive or "looks like art". just put something of yourself into an express form. and walk in the joy of knowing you have the privilege to create.

"how can you be so calm when the truth is sometimes we live in the eye of the storm?" [jack johnson, 'same girl']

rest

2008-02-18T16:52:00.006-06:00

has become a thing of great desire lately. not just sleep or lack of things to do, but true, refreshing, releasing rest. Jesus said come. away. to rest. for a while. never before has that sounded so sweet to my ears.

after this weekend, i need that rest. the best part though? that His word and His promises are becoming richer and sturdier to me as i walk this out...not because they were lacking before, but my soul is finally grasping and longing for what it truly is. and it is nothing short of replenishing.

organic. ripen. roots. these are words that keep coming up within me and around me. i'm not an agriculturally savvy person, but i like this imagery that God gives us to understand our journey. it has been the small shifts i have made in response to this new thing that has allowed me to endure. like writing in a simple spiral. braiding instead of straightening. embracing rather than controlling. and every intricate facet fits perfectly together, both the painful and pleasant.

i found this at salt mine...fabulous read so far.

panqueques

2008-02-12T21:09:00.002-06:00

so today IHOP gave away free shortstacks. this meant i got to take my girls from House of Hope on a fun midweek trip to eat said shortstacks. while we were there, a server refilled my water glass, like any other server would. the second he walked away, all three girls were staring at me with these incredulous eyes.

"miss sarah...he was checking you out!!"

mind you, the guy was standing at the booth behind us. right.

the next 15 minutes consisted of them giggling and whispering loudly and staring at him, while he had to weave around our table and me attempting to get out to pay our check.

my face is still a bit red.

the funny part was how nervous it made me. i mean, this was nothing...a simple distraction for some girls that seriously miss the social world. i guess i didn't realize how not dating for the past five years might affect my social graces. i can only laugh at how awkward and uncomfortable i might become when that thing called love comes waltzing my way.

"embrace the awkward!" - lauren heidebrecht, her amazing social philosophy.

i heart igoogle

2008-02-11T01:51:00.000-06:00

all of my online perusing in one handy package that ALSO reflects the outside sky of my locale? oh i am in LOVE.

present

2008-02-10T23:07:00.000-06:00

tonight at the gathering, the 1-3 words describing my life was 'present'. not like a gift, but a being within the current moment. and it was so wonderful to realize that...to sit and drink in the richness of being present....things are brighter, fuller, more tangible and ultimately, more satisfying. i am so thankful.

i watched amy winehouse get out of rehab to perform 'rehab' on the grammys tonight, and then win record of the year. the word that i thought when i saw her reaction? humbled. luke 5:31

i've decided i really like sketching with people. so if we're friends and you sketch, we should definitely take an afternoon together. soon.

a 4 page notebook paper story of my life album and the album itself made me feel so very well taken care of. not necessarily by this person in particular, but by the One who unites me and all these people around me. every good gift comes down from the Father of lights.

old navy's new safari collection is going to send me to nicaragua in style. never before has fabric durability, cotton-ness and breathability mattered so much.

and i still don't know how to do links in my posts. annoying.

ps: my organic transformation has become a real thing of beauty. i like this path i get to be on.

" You gave your body to the lonely
They took your clothes
You gave up a wife and a family
You gave your goals

To be alone with me
To be alone with me
To be alone with me
You went up on a tree"

To Be Alone With Me Sufjan Stevens

"And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or fathers or mothers or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and inherit eternal life. " -Matt 19:29

super

2008-02-06T00:15:00.000-06:00

blue moose wine night. obama pulling in 13 and counting states. potential snow day for all kids and teachers tomorrow. it really is a super tuesday.

four little letters

2008-02-04T12:44:00.000-06:00

and for a lighter side to blogging....which myers briggs initials are you?

i used to think personality tests were bogus, just like online dating services and infomercial workout equipment. yet i was talking with my pal Lauren who was sharing how much freedom her myers briggs test gave her...it was like putting into words the things she herself knew for so long but no one else could seem to understand. and the coolest part? it has brought harmony and affection into her family relationships. that makes is very un-bogus, if you ask me.

so i took the test and found that i am an INFJ...an introvert who goes off intuitions and loves depth and organization. i caught myself laughing out loud at some of the descriptions like "experiences health problems when under a lot of stress", "champions of the oppressed and downtrodden" "knack for fluency in language", and "the INFJ under stress may fall prey to various forms of immediate gratification" because they are so true! thankfully, my immediate gratification usually only involves chocolate or ice cream at its extreme. it is fascinating to see how much of my path is directed in part by my personality.

that being said, i'm off to check my eharmony matches and bust out the thigh master. make sure you leave your myers briggs initials.

TWLOHA

2008-02-04T12:22:00.001-06:00

pain is an interesting part of life.

i remember when donald miller wrote blue like jazz. the things he spoke of stirred up that isaiah 61 calling we all have if we follow Jesus. it was inspiring, the kind of thing that makes you feel like you are seeing things for the first time. then there was a group that took his words and put them into action [to write love on her arms]. the benefits go to helping battered teens who suffer with depression, anxiety, cutting, etc. it was one more way to be a part of "being in it". just like invisible children. just like the soup kitchen or the random hot coffee.

but then i started house of hope. it is hard to explain the reaction of a soul when it becomes face to face with sheer agony. pain that you are not responsible for nor can you heal, yet you are choosing to be a part of it...to step right in it with them. there is every urge to run, to stuff it, to rationalize it, to do whatever you can mentally to cope with the reality of this girl's situation.

and yet, i can't run. i can't ignore it. i can't hold it at arm's length. there is this compelling force in my heart that says stay. just walk with her. be the mirror that shows her how He sees her. it's like photo overlays...the one with her broken skin and rounded shoulders and weighted eyes, the bound up soul and hazy mind and then there's the one of her as she was meant to be....laughing and light and lovely. my job is to keep the latter before me and the truth anchoring my every word.

i mean, what does it look like to literally write love on her arms? it's not a benefit or a t-shirt or a banner...it's her bleeding wrists and hips, leading up to her chained heart. part of me is terrified. yet in it all i know that He is the one who heals and sets free. i have to let Him be who He is.

i am learning so many new things.

organic

2008-01-31T22:28:00.000-06:00

it was amidst black dog coffee cups and squares of light that i found it. rather, it found me.

there's been this pushing and pulling within myself lately...a listlessness, a restlessness, an alienation within myself. it's irritated all sorts of things and made me feel very out of it. i was talking about some of these things tonight when the curtain fell away. the voices telling me that i was off track, that i was lazy, that i was missing the boat, that i was a mess just faded as if someone had twisted off the volume. and there, in front of me, was the realization that this is what He has been working. that controlling girl inside me, the one that lives white-knuckled, afraid and efficient was exposed, not as the towering force i have believed her to be, but a frail little girl. i've allowed myself to be so driven and directed by this part of myself. and here i was, the woman He has created and raised up, seeing her as she was for the first time, and at peace with the reality that He is now the one leading me. i do not have to fight tooth and nail to live....i do not have an agenda to set or a bar to raise....nor face a panel of faceless people to assert my worth. i can just be who He has made me to be...i do not have to be in control and manipulating every aspect of my life. while the general consensus for the past month or so has been that i am running off a cliff with all of this, i saw tonight that it is actually a lovely trail, dipping and curving into the distance...the invitation to journey.

i can't fully explain what is happening here. but trust me when i say that i will never be the same.

She who reconciles the ill-matched threads
of her life, and weaves them gratefully
into a single cloth-
it's she who drives the loudmouths from the hall
and clears it for a different celebration.

where the one guest is you.
in the softness of the evening,
it's you she receives.

you are the partner of her loneliness,
the unspeaking center of her monologues.
with each disclosure you encompass more
and she stretches beyond what limits her,
to hold you.

rilke, I,17

stat

2008-01-28T12:46:00.000-06:00

-first day of work at House of Hope (www.houseofhopekc.org) :: t-minus 1 hr 43 minutes
-number of stairs to create leg pain from Saturday's workout :: 1
-number of books i am currently attempting to read :: 6
-cd on repeat :: sufjan stevens' seven swans
-days left til nicaragua :: 88

some of the random things occupying my mind at the time. i'm kind of resistant to starting this job, not because i don't wish to work there or because i don't think it will be good, but rather it is the last job/task i will have here in the states. and with that comes a flood of all the little fears and uncertainties that having been creeping behind my consciousness. like, who will walk this journey with me here in the states when i am so far away? how will i keep those people i love so much near to my heart? how will i allow change without losing touch with those parts of me that i wish to remain? and then there are the ones that loom in the distant...the ones surrounding my return.

all of these things, i know, are not anything i can or need to control, nor worry about. however, my heart is having a little trouble trusting. so i end up crying over how good ice cream is...good thing i have good gal pals who find this normal and don't think i am crazy person.

i guess this is just part of the journey...here we go!

art of language

2008-01-26T19:14:00.000-06:00

I'm too alone in the world, yet not alone enough
to make each hour holy.
I'm too small in the world, yet no small enough
to be simply in your presence, like a thing -
just as it is.

I want to know my own will
and to move with it.
And I want, in the hushed moments
when the nameless draws near,
to be among the wise ones -
or alone.

I want to mirror your immensity.
I want never to be too weak or too old
to bear the heavy, lurching image of you.

I want to unfold.
Let no place in me hold itself closed,
for where I am closed, there I am false.
I want to stay clear in your sight.

I, 13 - The Book of Hours, Rainier Maria Rilke

la paz

2008-01-20T23:31:00.001-06:00

warm waves
woven through the sharp
edges
splashing silently
among the crimson curves
against a freckle, beside a honey strand
whispering
//////intently
stirring
/////most gently
awake

awake
dawn breaks and darkness hides
and
all that remains
are hollows
of His love

without a name

2008-01-16T17:42:00.000-06:00

this feeling, the burrowing of His Spirit into yours, the sudden realization of beauty in the simple thing, the perfect combination of a melody and lyric, etc. it's been ebbing upon my heart all afternoon and i think i'm ready to receive it. so good.

i love when the book you are reading is breathed on by His spirit and just hits through and through. here's some tidbits:

"It really doesn't matter what the particular group bargain is - doctrinal adherence, moral living, or some sort of spiritual experience- the desire is the same: taming God in order to tame life. Never mind those deep yearnings of the soul; never mind the nagging awareness that God isn't cooperating."

"...God's fierce intentions to use both crippling and blessing to redeem us from our self-redemptive and purgatorial stories."

Acts 17:26-28

"Trust Him though you cannot see Him and He has no silver hand to hold. Trust Him though you have no name to call Him by, though out of the black night He leaps like a stranger to cripple and bless. -Buechner Son of Laughter"

"This is, in fact, how many professing Christians end up living: as practical agnostics. Perhaps God will come through, perhaps he won't, so I'll be hanged if I'll live as though he had to come through. I'll hedge my bets and if he does show up, so much the better. The simple word for this is godlessness."

-All excerpts from The Sacred Romance by Eldredge/Curtis

Man, it's just so good!! This book is just cruising through my doubts and fears and hiding places and beckoning me to step on out. And there He is, stirring it all up, drawing me out...

sustain

2008-01-15T16:05:00.000-06:00

i honestly don't know what i would do without dove dark chocolate. or coke classic.

my friend lauren gave me this book the artist's way for this part on attention. there have been some painful things in my family lately and it's been tempting to be overwhelmed. but this passage was utterly beautiful....that the way we make it through these trying times, from past to future, is to be exceedingly present. i know this is a topic touched on by many, but there is this one line that made me stop. "She stood it by standing knee-deep in the flow of life and paying close attention." yes. this is a paramount lesson for me to learn. it's startling how different my minutes have been weighed and perceived as i take this mindset. sometimes even just stopping, breathing deeply and remembering His nearness is all the refreshment i could need.

i started re-reading the sacred romance by john eldredge and brent curtis. it really speaks to some of the things i've been pondering lately...does it make you smile how He weaves your path?

l.o.v.e.

2008-01-14T00:13:00.000-06:00

what a fascinating topic. it seems that there are no limits to the discussion that can occur surrounding this idea, this vast ability, commitment, idea, desire....and sometimes this frustrates me. as a person that likes to figure things out, to understand something as important as this is highly desirable. and yet it is not attainable...not fully. and really, how can it be if God is love?

there is something i have been pondering about all of this though. there is this deep need to be known, accepted, truly LOVED. and i believe that this is found ultimately in Christ. yet there remains this aggravating ache that will not wane. this desire to be married, to have that person that walks through life with you, the only one who will come close to knowing you as intimately as the Lord. and i'm not saying this desire is wrong...i believe it to be good. yet it feels so out of control for me, this rogue part of me that i struggle to maintain self-control over. and i do not know why. i think the fact that i don't know why is more bothersome than the desire itself. if we are truly able to live by the spirit, to bring all things under Him, why does this part of my being fight so hard against it? maybe it is simply the nature of the desire and the depth of which it runs in us...God himself told eve that her desire would be for her husband. and yet what if it not His will for me to marry? would i be willing to accept that?

it seems so silly. rather, i feel silly in it, and maybe even ashamed at times. part of me feels like it is because love has been so cheapened, so trite, that the desire i feel for a much deeper and sacred thing feels like a flighty heart instead.

and yes, i have tried to fan that flame towards the Lord, to funnel all my love and desire for intimacy into my love for Him. but it feels separate, unable to really mix. like two different languages.

perhaps my faith is small and my understanding hindered. perhaps there is healing that needs to occur. perhaps i need to trust that the Lord is multi-lingual. in all of it, my question is simple: how does one engage these parts of the heart authentically and healthily?

hell, i'm only 23 and if the purpose in life is to love God and others, i can expect this will be a life-long lesson. but this one facet has been particularly grievous for me ever since i came to know Jesus my freshman year of high school. anyone in the same boat? thoughts? insight?

because i love books...

2008-01-11T15:17:00.000-06:00

One book that changed your life:

The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning

One book that you read more than once:

Searching For God Knows What by Donald Miller. & HP

One book that you would want on a desert island:

This one is too hard...

One book that made you laugh:

Educating Esme by Esme Codell

One book that made you cry:

Again, too many...but a few: HP #6, Mark of the Lion Series by Francine Rivers, Heaven's Wager by Ted Dekker, The Least of These, The Sacred Romance by John Eldredge, etc, etc.

One book you wish you had written:

Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller or Ruthless Trust by Brennan Manning

One book you are currently reading:

Simply Christian by N.T. Wright

One book you have been meaning to read:

Hearing God by Dallas Willard.

That took way longer than it should have. I am terrible at ONE. Just one favorite or one of this . I don't know why.

Anyone know anything about the movie coming out called Feitgeist? I am intrigued and yet unsure as to what I will end up thinking about it.

Comanche principal called today to set up an interview....I hope it goes well!

I went back and visited my students at Rosehill today. Gosh, I miss them. There is something about spending hours upon hours around and with students, teaching them that creates this bond. I look at them and I have multiple questions about and for each, wondering how they are doing in the times facts or if their writing has improved or if they are sleeping better at night or if their parents have stopped fighting yet. I feel so privileged to get to be a teacher. Unbelievable.

annnnd i tag: kim, shalinn, and rachel....realizing that rachel has already been tagged. i have to get more blog friends. :)

heavy

2008-01-10T23:32:00.001-06:00

check out love146.org...it's an initiative to end child sex slavery and exploitation. watch the video and hear the story.

He will bring justice to the poor of the people; He will save the children of the needy, and will break in pieces the oppressor. Psalm 72:4

kiss kiss

2008-01-07T13:09:00.000-06:00

Can someone please answer this nagging question for me: is it lovey dovey or laffy taffy? My sixth graders insisted that t-pain was talking about that sticky candy with silly jokes.

It's official. I just got done reading through a couple hundred pages of welcome book and VAD and all sorts of other acronymns, which I'm finding that PC loves. Everything they have given me has a glossary! As an educator who has lots of acronym files from college alone, it makes me giggle.

I will jump off the cliff May 5 as a PCT (peace corps trainee), meeting my other trainees for a couple days, then off to Nicaragua for eleven weeks of intense training, where I'll work on my Spanish and ESL skills, learn how to not get robbed or assaulted and run through mounds of paperwork and vaccines (only 3 I think for me). That's when, if I pass, I become a PCV (peace corps volunteer). Then it's off to a still unknown small to medium size city where I will live with a family for at least six weeks and begin integrating and building confianza (trust) with the community and my colleagues. I'll work alongside high school English teachers, create materials and training programs and set-up any number of English learning opportunities. I just can't convey the rush I feel in my belly when I start thinking about it. I have so much I want to do to prepare and I know this time before I leave will be precious.

Which will be spent in KC...I am so stoked. I LOVE KC and the people I have gotten to meet and hang around with. I'm so thankful to have three more months with them. I still don't have a job lined up officially, but I am surprisingly peaceful about this...it seems having your feet knocked out from under you will teach you to trust Him. I'll keep you posted.

My papa is doing better...I fully believe that Jesus healed and protected him. There is no evidence or residual from his episode...their best guess is a seizure caused by stress. No heart attack, no stroke, no disease. Clean EEG, CT Scan and MRI. I went down there early Friday morning and he got to come home Friday evening. I left him yesterday, feeling good if not just a little sleepy. Thank you for all who prayed and encouraged me in it.

Praise to Him who works all things according to our good, that He is always sovereign, always in control. No matter how out of control I feel.

Off to run and get those passport photos.

mercy

2008-01-03T22:10:00.000-06:00

today:
i found my lost running shoes (+)
got the call that my dad is in the ER with unknown neurological problems in a catatonic state (-)
got my peace corps invite to nicaragua teaching english leaving may 5 (+)

i don't know what that adds up to. in the end i feel numb. and desperate for His mercy, on my family and for my dad's healing. i drove to wichita from manhattan tonight and was going to drive straight through to OKC but ICU closes at 9 so we will leave early tomorrow.

He is good...and i know He is in this and working through it. just pray. ask Him to be merciful, to make Himself known, to light up the dark places.

sheepish

2007-12-26T17:21:00.000-06:00

you know the feeling when you realize you're lost? the sickening waves of slight panic that rise up and the semi-weightless feeling in your stomach like when you descend a rollercoaster...the inexplicable untamed fear that threatens to destroy all peace. it has become my companion for a week now and today i realized, i'm a sheep.

that sheep that Jesus said He would leave to other 99 to find. the one that decided to find its own path and got stuck in the briars, bleating in a terrified voice. the stubborn one that tries to run away when He comes near, trying to bring her back into the fold. i'm that sheep.

charles spurgeon [http://www.spurgeongems.org/vols16-18/chs925.pdf] has a good deal to say about the sheep going astray...and i must confess i fit the lot. i NEED a care above myself, yet i pretend and expect that i should do it on my own. i frantically plan and search and push, trying to make it fit. i have been doing this every moment since i found out what i thought i knew about peace corps was incorrect.

the office of medical services should not have told me i would be leaving in February should i make med clearance by december 21st. because it wasn't true. i don't know where i am going to live. i don't know where i am going to work. i don't even know for sure what city i will be in. every time i make a move, it shakes and i'm unsure.

so here i am, bleating away, trying to figure out a plan and a purpose and feeling hopelessly snagged. the imagery of Hosea fills my mind...the hemming in of His beloved.

no i don't have an answer. but i do have this promise: He is with me and He will lead me by His Spirit.

"ten thousand angels will light your pathway until the day breaks from in the east. and they will surround you and make your way straight, cus Love has come, Love has come, for you." -Caedmon's Call Ten Thousand Angels

Father, be merciful to me! open my eyes, allow me the patience and grace to wait upon You. to trust and believe beyond all this reality attempts to erode. praise to You, lover of my soul. i WILL wait.